Beautiful Blonde Bipolar Bitch

~Death Do Us Part~

2012-01-26T23:37:00.004-06:00

I am annoyed to say the least.

My dog got sick on one of my blankets...so after shoving him outside and mopping up the majority of the mess I hurriedly threw it in the washer, not wanting to touch it too much. My mistake. My son peered into the washer when the cycle ended and said "Mommy, look!". So I went over to see what was so important.

My fucking iPod Touch was sitting at the bottom of the washer.

Holy hell my heart sank and I busted into tears. Then of course I shoved it into a bed of Uncle Ben's rice (where it still lays) in the hopes that maybe, just maybe I can save it. And I was a bitch the rest of the day of course, because I was feeling sorry for myself...and I still am.

But damn was I mad at that dog! I know, he was sick....he threw up....not his fault....but I am so frustrated right now. And yes I have forgiven him. In fact he is right now, laying and snoring on the exact blanket that caused all the commotion. He is just a dog. Dogs vomit. Oh well.

But.

More like it is my fault for being so preoccupied lately. My anxiety blows, my son has a cold, in general I completely despise January in Chicago, and I just haven't been sleeping all that well. So I didn't shake out the blanket before I shoved it in the washer like I usually do. Well, that and I didn't want yucky shit all over my hands.

But oh my god I am soooooooo fucking pissed at myself right now for being so stupid!!!!

I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry.

Fuck it. I'm going to cry.

I love technology. When it works right (looking at YOU Nokia Astound!!) and doesn't cost so damn much (looking at almost EVERYTHING decent out there) things like that are just awesome to own, to enjoy, to love, to have, to hold, to...

(I sound like I am marrying it)

So...it is in death we probably part, Mr. iPod Touch. I have loved you for years and now you are just gone. And I have a hole in my heart (and life) that no one else can fill. No more can I access 1000 songs I can't really stand and watch endless Facebook feeds while my son wants to watch a crappy show. I am hoping beyond all hope I can save you....however there was so much water involved and even a cup of bleach, so I think that all this is in vain.

Now when is Apple going to come out with a waterproof version?

See ya.

Wonderful Life ~~

2012-01-23T23:13:00.003-06:00

I'm so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open but it's hard to shut the world out sometimes. Especially because I have been going through some family/personal issues lately that just stress me out to the point I feel almost catatonic. I know that I isolate myself when things start going awry...and I wish I could stop it...just NOT do it....try to embrace my friends and family and ask for help....but I hate to feel so weak. Like I HAVE to be this badass bitch that grabs life by the balls and fixes her own problems ~~ when in all reality that is just a part of me, I am only human and I get emotionally exhausted sometimes by what my Wonderful Life throws at me.

I seriously feel like most of the world does NOT give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Like maybe it is the economy driving this "every man for himself" attitude. Or maybe some people are just assholes.

Who knows?

I am planning a Superbowl Party on the 5th, just family and all. I admit I am not fond of either team but if I had to choose I am going to be cheer leading for the Patriots. I love Tom Brady, what can I say?

So the menu is going to be nothing but finger foods and appetizers that will kill your diet ~ Country Style ribs in the crock pot, homemade guacamole and queso, homemade chicken nuggets, Italian deli-style sandwiches on thick bread with provolone, tortilla chips, champagne punch, and of course the always needed cheese tray with sausage.

Ok. I'm hungry. I am always hungry because all I do is EAT. And yes I stay thin...because I EAT - little meals all day, I don't suffer.

Damn it, I am hungry.

See ya.

Childish Woes

2012-01-20T00:39:00.000-06:00

So today was a hell of a day.

It was about 10 degrees here in Chicago and my son refuses to wear a heavy coat. So I have been a recluse during the day, darting out at night to grab something from the store before it closed....getting errands done after he went to bed. And I was beyond tired of it.

So I decided to allow him to wear the flimsy Spring coat and freeze. But then I came to my senses and realized that was a fucking stupid move and put the heavy coat on him.

Holy hell.

It was like a WWE smackdown.

And I was losing.

He screamed, thrashed, kicked, cried and begged. And he is a big 4 year old, almost like a 6 year old (big men run in my family, my uncle was damn near 6'9"). But I kept on, I have errands to run, it is supposed to snow Friday, I need to get the fuck out of the house before I go completely insane. After a while he calmed down....even kept it on so we could run errands. I was out of breath...completely taxed.

I hope, hope, hope we don;t have to go through this tomorrow.

Because frankly he is strong and can almost beat me. ;)

I am exhausted but duty calls and I have way too much to do.

See ya.

Operation Be My Valentine

2012-01-18T02:44:00.001-06:00

My Wishlist: http://amzn.com/w/XUSOWSNKA8HP

I am female, I am usually broke, I would love it.

Hurt

2012-01-18T01:08:00.000-06:00

Soooo...the other day I decided to wallow in my self pity and I had about three too many. While I didn't wake up on the bathroom floor (which, yes...I have before), I woke up with a headache from the unholiest pit of hell and my stomach screaming for mercy.

After I swore I would never do that again (haha!!) I made myself a spartan breakfast and reflected a bit on how I can be so self-destructive when I am upset....a pattern I have always done.

And I don't fucking get it.

I know that people see me and make an assumption. I know that I am judged right off the bat. I know that I get stereotyped.

But I know who I am. What I am about. And I know that the ammo people will use to try to hurt me is usually related to my physical appearance and/or my past...or any weaknesses I may have shared.

For example....I LOVE how people throw shit in each other faces. I don't really love it, I am being sarcastic. LOL (Like dude, I told you that in confidence...now you use it against me? How truly un-fucking-fair!)

It's like when people are mad they forget why they even gave a damn about the other person in the first place. Yes, you don't have to like them....you don't have to want to know them....but why tear them down and leave them so raw and wounded? What is it about human nature that makes us want to rise above others by making them feel so low?

I am guilty of all that. I try now, as an empathetic adult, to not be so childish and catty. I know now to THINK before I SPEAK. That hurtful words can damage so much more than a serious crack to the jaw. That I would rather be whipped by a cat o' nine than have someone say something negative....but hell, if we are talking about a bit of S&M then I am getting WAY off the subject.....because there is always a little bit of pleasure with a little bit of pain...(Ms. Madonna?).

Damn it, now I am so off base.

I just don't get it. John Lennon had it when he sang "All You Need is Love..."....a little more kindness and love and tact in this world would make a huge bit of difference. Why go around life acting like a jag off? Why not find a bit of happiness in the first snow of winter...or the first smell of spring...the burn of that first shot of whiskey...or the smell of a newborns head....the feeling when you buy something you have wanted for months....the love your family gives you....that heat you feel when talking to someone special....

And how about a cleavage pic to mellow the mood?

See ya.

Damn. Forgot to Add ~~~

2012-01-16T00:01:00.001-06:00

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I am so effing TIRED of always taking the blame.

And I TAKE it. The path of least resistance. The path of the moron. The path of the peacekeepers and all the other idiots that need a lesson in aggressiveness.

Just like the fatties that want to get rid of McDonald's....personal responsibility people!!! Be it your kids...your life...your damn dog.

Take care of yours.

What in the hell is WRONG with people??

Same sue happy jerks are saying their coffee is too hot....the hairdresser couldn't take their black as pitch hair to Marilyn Platinum without a bit of damage....my childhood sucked - that's why I treat you like shit....I'm stressed...I'm tired....I'm underpaid.....

You know what? Get real and get over it.

I am sick of dealing with adults who just cannot give it up - live your life how you want NO MATTER what has been dealt to you....or suffer like the idiot you can be.

Be strong or be weak.

Rise ABOVE or sink BELOW.

I get emotional. I cry (shhhhh don't tell!!). I get lonely. I get sad. My father was a douche. My ex-husband treated me badly. I feel weak. I feel afraid. I feel desperate. I feel low.

But I still have that something in me....that is going to make it. Make it okay, make it in life, just basically rise from those goddamn ashes and say...."REALLY? WHAT ELSE??" and add "BRING IT ON...I GOT THIS...I GOT THIS!"

Call me Phoenix.

From Chicago.

(working in Tulsa)

Ok, the last part you may not get but hey....I'm fired up.

Wow can I certainly change from minutes ago!! LOL. Am I woman or am I Bipolar woman? ;)

See ya.

~WOW...Really??? What ELSE???!~

2012-01-15T23:30:00.000-06:00

So.

~ My son decided to have a temper tantrum that lasted nearly 5 hours.

~ A bird shit on my cheek as I walked in a store. <---- (lol, that's funny now actually)

~ My best friend decided that they don't want to talk to me anymore.

~ I can't make my stupid credit card payment because THEIR system is messed up....however I still get charged the fees for it.

~ My iPod Touch was working badly so I decided to do a restore and my computer overheated in the middle of it. Now I am scrambling trying to fix it but to no avail.

~ My windshield wiper broke off when I tapped it to try to clear some old snow.

~ I stubbed my toe on my deep freezer.

~ I tripped over Mr. Potato Head.

~ I burned the brownies (just the edge, but still....)

~ I had this great idea to clean out the crawlspace and LITERALLY ran into a mouse.

~ I'm tired but I cannot go to bed because I am trying to fix this stupid fucking iPod because without it I am lost....I need my music and my Words With Friends!!!

This ALL happened today.

And I am pouring a second glass of Pinot, hoping above all hope that tomorrow can be slightly better.

But I am doubting it.

Just feeling a bit picked on and lonely. I need some shopping. Wait...I am sure my card will be frozen in the morning....LOL...ok...well window shopping and wish lists!! Hahahahaha!!

See ya.

Arachnophobia ~~ (I spell that right??)

2012-01-05T00:31:00.000-06:00

Yuck.

Tried to go to bed but a spider decided to land near my eye. Must have JUST closed my eyes. I am so grossed out! I flipped and flung him off somewhere but now I can't find him.

I don't care how they kill mosquitoes (it's winter anyway) or perform all these fabulous acts of kindness to the world....they are gross, they have too many legs, and I really hate the see-through ones....and the ones with the "thick legs". I hate them all actually but some are easier to squish.

Ew, ew, ew.

I am going to watch some "Wife Swap" reruns and hope he shows up so I can smash his disgusting body to bits.

Spider, that's what ya get for landing on me.

(soooooo grossed out!!!)

~Survived the Holidays (Somewhat) Intact~

2012-01-02T23:21:00.000-06:00

Things are finally settling down in my household after a completely insane holiday season. I don't know what it is about the time from Thanksgiving until New Years Day that makes me so anxious and borderline insane.

I went out shopping on Black Friday at midnight, braved the crowds with a coffee in hand, and had a blast ~ no panic, not even low grade anxiety. But a two weeks ago I went to the grocery store during the day and had such a bad panic attack that I literally left my half-full cart in the middle of the dairy aisle and booked it out of there, with my son in tow. I was so embarrassed at the time. Obviously I am over it now (and I have decided to never fucking go there again haha).

Hopefully now I can breathe a bit better, but I will say I was at Target yesterday and I felt a bit uneasy. Maybe because I was over thinking things...maybe just because it's January and the weather in Illinois is so dreadful....maybe because my anxiety is just going a bit unchecked. Whatever it is...I wouldn't wish a panic attack upon my worst enemy. It makes me wish for a Clonazepam drip and a double shot of Ciroc.

Panic attacks are just horrible. Winter usually makes them worse - nothing like all that summer sun to keep the wickedness of anxiety at bay! But I have to get through the badass January and the even worse February before a hint of Speing comes along.

I find solace in listening to music and writing. I just started writing again recently, as I was busy doing DIY renovations in my basement (that is a whole 'nother story). Now that things are settling down and I find myself with a bit of free time I can chill a bit. It's nice but what I wouldn't do for a goddamned massage and room service and my own remote and 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Some people really take moms (single or not) for granted. It isn't some easy gig where you turn on the TV and eat and relax all day. It is hit-the-ground-running....constant care....never get a moments peace because even if they are sleeping you are worrying and checking and cleaning.

(Hypomania much?)

Fuck the massage. Send me some Pinot Grigio and the complete set of 'ER'. That will cure what ails me. ;)

xoxo

Still Here ~~~

2011-10-09T01:00:00.000-05:00

Busy gal tonight. Well lately.

Not much to scream about publicly.

Just fucking depressed a bit, staying above water. I don't come here much anymore and I know I should....but l have been tired lately....but still the biggest bitch I would care to know.

I'll be back in full force shortly ~~~

Rebel Night Owl ~~

2011-03-31T03:04:00.000-05:00

So beyond sick of people that won't shut up, move on, go away. I spend my days chasing a toddler and my nights fighting for whatever the fuck I am fighting for and it is getting so...tired.

It's just TIRED.

Emails to Hushmail, Yahoo, whatever needs to be....whoever needs to know...same shit...different decade.

No matter what you do.

No matter who you are.

No matter who is in your bed, your head, your email, you phone, your website, your blog, your car, your soul, your veins, your closet...that should never matter...as a person you do not deserve to be treated with disrespect. No matter what. You don't deserve harassment, threats, slander, libel, abuse, being mind-fucked, being stalked, brushed-off, put away, on the goddamn back burner.

I am a fighter but damn....this girl is sooooo tired. I won't give up. Period. Ever.

Chicago is mine. Wisconsin is mine. This world is FUCKING MINE. No one can kick me out of any place. You cannot expect me to go away or leave or hang myself just because you asked. Because you threaten me or because you tell me.

Three in the morning and I am done but jacked up from pure adrenaline and just annoyance. Came all this way and they think I am gonna check out because of them.

Get over yourself. You ain't that important. You aren't worth a traffic ticket.

Karam is a bitch....but I am off the charts.

(so sick of this shit!!!)

Things are going to change. Something needs to be done. Seriously.

However...I look fab with my 3 pound weight loss from stress. (so I thank you)

Signing off for now....better things to come....for me anyway.

See ya.

~Notes From My Bedside~

2011-03-23T01:10:00.000-05:00

(as written, from napkins and scrap paper from my night stand~ grammatical errors included)

Just trying to make my way ~~~ in the dark

Why is life so complicated when we all what the same shit? Why do we HATE? So much? What makes us cut down Mr. Anonymous....especially when we are Ms. Anonymous? Why bother?

Romance, kiss, but BREATHING ROOM

Jealousy is for peasants. adults speak

I am blonde, but not this blonde. And fuck your stereotypes. I'm not an idiot....but I play one for money.

It's been awhile....since I gave a fuck.

Most things in life can be rented but never owned.

Love me, Hate me. Talk about me amongst yourselves.

Your priorities fucking suck.

(there is more....)

#Winning!! (anyone else sick of that bitch???)

2011-03-12T00:14:00.000-06:00

Thinking to how much my life has changed within even just a year ~ it's got me in this strange state. I'm not sure what it is....something like growing a set of balls...but woman-ish. Maybe like finding my backbone? But not that extreme.

Realizing what I deserve. That is as close to it as possible.

As a female, I tend to not realize my potential. I tend to settle. That ridiculous nurturing instinct or whatever. And as a female with a troubled past and a few limitations....I tend to not just settle but lay down and die in that fucking rut.

Not anymore. I know exactly what I want, what I need, what I deserve. Not part-time. Not occasionally. Not when it can be. I am ready for someone special.

I have such clarity it scares me!! LOL.

I put on such a front but you know what? I am lonely. I want someone. I want someone to want me....for the long haul. Spring time is full of new beginnings...out with the toxic bullshit, in with MY LIFE.

Fuck Charlie Sheen. He's high on "me".

See ya.

Whatever doesn't kill me
Doesn't make me stronger
But I'm not gonna give up yet
And if these walls should weaken
I'm still strong enough to know
I'm gonna build them up again

~ Finger Eleven, "Whatever Doesn't Kill Me"

~When Worlds Collide~

2011-02-23T23:58:00.000-06:00

The collision of the two worlds. From a comment in the post below.

I don't think that's it at all. I just think that working in such a superficial business is eventually going to tear down some things. I am not bitching ~ as adults we can make choices, good or bad. I do like the industry for the freedom it provides and the potential as well. Obviously it will limit your choices, present or future. Being well informed is the best way to enter this lifestyle...sadly I know only a handful of people who did it that way. Usually it's on a whim, a bet, a dare, an idea, a thought and all of a sudden you just hit the ground running and have no clue where you landed.

And all the lamenting isn't about just the way you get treated. Sometimes it just sucks that you cannot always eat what you want, that you are always working on the nights your friends are out and about, that your sleep schedule usually rivals an Intern working at a County ER.

But life is about compromising. Taking the good and the bad. Doing the "have to's" to get to the "want to's" ~ and it makes those things sooooo much more indulgent.

And who can deny that sometimes it is just fun. It SEEMS easy, and yes, occasionally it can be. That you can work less hours than others and have more free time for family.

And to be honest I like the fact of having a different side, something that's all mine, my persona, it's the wilder me, the uninhibited me, the one that doesn't shy away from new people or deep conversations. She isn't afraid of what others may think and she doesn't hide. She is out there and doing her best doing what she can ~ and yes, suffering is a part of it.

Bottom line is that there are some people in this world who enjoy the adult industry. It isn't a last resort or a way to pay a drug dealer or support five children and a deadbeat pimp. Sometimes it can be something a little bit more, a bit fucked up, a bit more crazy, definitely not traditional and not for the faint of heart.

Like that old crappy poster: You don't have to be crazy to work here but it helps.

Oh yes.

See ya.

~Relativity~

2011-02-21T03:53:00.000-06:00

Earlier I saw a lily white male pre-pubescent fucker flip gang signs.

And a girl in similar age flash her ass. (leggings underneath but still...)

As a pre-teen I would have had my ass kicked. Beyond and back.

You?

I bet your momma would had you by the ear

Someone said that it is all relative.

I disagree. And yes, I am in the adult industry.

Time and place.

Be parents, not popular.

I was a LOSER in school. (bad example)

Let's say this. If I find my kid throwing gang signs his ass is grounded and on lock down.

If I ever have a girl and I see her swinging from a pole her ass is in the closet, just like him.

I love me, I love myself. BUT.

This industry is hard as hell. It may break ya.

See ya.

~Bittersweet~

2011-02-16T01:17:00.000-06:00

Well Happy (belated) Valentine's Day "Rider". ;)

It has been a crazy week but such is life.

Checking my cell bill nearly killed me as I saw roaming charges. Haven't seen those damn things in years but I have a family plan with a world traveler and a teenager.

Syrup coating the carpets made me feel like Eloise. Scrubbing for two days (will be three) with my pink dish washing gloves on my hands and knees. No more Eggo's for me.

Weather finally getting decent so my mood changes from Doom n' Gloom to something tolerable. I am so sick of this cold shit!!! February makes me want to do nothing but sleep or shop....and I cannot afford either at this point and time.

I fit into this super HOT dress I bought from Ebay years ago that is a size ZERO. Yes, I am sure it is a 2 but I am still going to revel in it. Bring on that bikini.

Life isn't what I had hoped it to be right now...but I am not sure I would change a damn thing.

Back to my website ~~ amazing things to come once I can focus. LOL.

See ya.

~Happy Valentine's Day!!~

2011-02-14T00:49:00.000-06:00

I'm jaded.

All you married lovelies can get laid....or get oral sex...whatever you get less every other day of the year.

All you single people get to go out and get drunk and wallow in self pity.

What the fuck people? It's just a day!!!

Idea: Ignore Valentine's Day and all those bullshitty days and enjoy your life. Treat your lovers well, your friends good, your enemies like the fuckers they are.

It is what it is.

And we ain't getting any younger. ;)

Love ya all !

Enjoy your day!

Love and make love ~~~~~ see ya....

~ Exhausted Thoughts~

2011-02-12T02:24:00.000-06:00

Don't got much to say....

Trying to love life and make my way.

Obstacles inspire me.

Redundant bullshit tires me.

Let's move on and make peace and love.

Or war.

I am German. Stubborn as all get out.

People who cannot enjoy life make me sad.

Even in total misery you can find a sliver of something bright.

Something light.

So you can make your way?

all this time
spinning round and round
made the same mistakes
that we've always found
surely now
we could move along
make a better world?
no it can't be wrong ~ "Sweet Harmony", The Beloved

Couple of New Things ~

2011-01-28T23:04:00.000-06:00

One thing is I am no longer going to allow Anonymous comments ~ too much spam out there. If you can't comment, you can always send me a note.

Also I am available for web cam shows via Skype. Some of you know that, but not all of you do so I thought I would put it out there...since we are all stuck inside because of this cold fucking weather, why not?

Email me for info!

xoxo

~Fucking A ~~ 7 Miles!~

2011-01-26T03:31:00.000-06:00

I feel like there is a calm before the storm....anyone else?

Haha!!

Did 7 miles on the treadmill, personal record.

Is that it?

Nah. ;)

Unbroken (Hotel Baby)

2011-01-08T02:39:00.001-06:00

Drowning in your puddle, waiting at the sky
Suckin' on your daddy's cigar
I'm your destination, I'm the reason why
Lemma take a look at your scars

Bought a line of shit
Now you wanna sell it back to me
Come on down to the hotel, baby
I can be what you want me to be
You can choke on your own medication
I can watch myself on TV, oh yeah

Bathe in all the money, love yourself to death
Bow before the serpent in fire
Ride your little poney till you're soaking wet
Scream at God and call Him a liar

Bought a line of shit
Now you wanna sell it back to me
Come on down to the hotel, baby
I can be what you want me to be
You can choke on your own medication
I can watch myself on TV

Shut your mouth you big fuckin', baby
You can't be what I want you to be
Go on choke on your own medication
I can tell you a lie you believe

Can't you see that I'm up here
Unbroken, whoa yeah

Why can't you just spread your mind
Wide open, uh huh

~ Monster Magnet

Yuck...I Have a Cold...

2011-01-06T22:01:00.000-06:00

However I refuse to let it beat me, LOL. I took some extra Emergen-C and stuff like that and I actually feel slightly better. I got things going on I am not going to miss them!!

Oh well ~~ time for some candid cam pics.

xoxo

Oh Yeah?

2011-01-03T03:08:00.000-06:00

Twisted behavior?

Always. That's what made me #1. Got it?

The rest?

Go FUCK yourself. Try me ya little bitch. You NEVER gonna win.

Hear me?

Oh yes, ya do. I know you. I don't hate you.

I feel sorry for you. You will never be me/own me/have me.

DEAL WITH IT.

2011 ~ My First Post (aka Can't Think of a Title)

2011-01-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

Sick kids over New Year's so I am up and at 'em now....need to write, listen to music, chill. relax, grab a vodka on the rocks and reflect.

Fuck. I got nothin'.

Ha ha. Happy New Year dolls. xoxoxo

Good-Bye 2010!!!!

2010-12-31T23:35:00.000-06:00

Since I completely despised last year (that's an overstatement of course) I am going to wrote down a few things that happened in 2010 that were okay...or decent...and even pretty damn good.

~ I reconnected with old friends

~ I found out that Vaseline underneath my eyes works better than ANYthing for puffiness and circles

~ I have kept my Driver's License clear all year - no tickets whatsoever!

~ I have gotten into my writing way more

~ I started blogging again

~ I became a more patient person through motherhood

~ I have been a damn good mother

~ I haven't worn acrylic nails all year and my nails look fab

~ GYM MEMBERSHIP!!

~ Ebates. Seriously ~~ changed my online shopping life!

~ German Nivea Skin Cream - has to be from Germany

~ I discovered Jessica Simpson shoes

~ I am still as limber as I was at 18

~ I paid all my bills on time (well, with one exception)

~ I can successfully use professional hair color and high-lift developer without my hair looking like shit

~ No matter how dire things get I feel rich when I think of my family and friend

What You Waiting For?

2010-12-26T22:17:00.001-06:00

Am I submissive? Yes. And I can be Dominant. That's why I have always said I am a true Switch. When it comes to my so-private life I like to have someone who just DOES.

You know. Not sexually. That's ridiculous. LOL.

Like I need my car washed and it's done. Or the bills need to be paid and they are. It's not because I can't do it. Not because I won't do it. But did you ever have that flash of...OMG I can't be in charge??? What if I fuck it all up???

That's it. Oh yes. Taking control when I just don't fucking want to is a huge turn on for me (shhh, don't tell Gloria Steinem)...I am still wrestling with the idea that I am an adult! I mean the government controls some much shit, so why can't they just do everything else?

Pay my car note. Better yet get a new car. Pay the rent and bills. Give me grocery money. I will clean and cook and look pretty.

Wait. This shit sounds like Donna Reed. Ha ha. Maybe I am just old-fashioned? Nah, I wanna work.Well....not like WORK work. Ha. ;)

Merry Christmas Eve!

2010-12-24T21:41:00.000-06:00

Wishing all of you a wonderful holiday!! I will write more tomorrow as I have so much to do ~ but be safe and enjoy!!

Places of Women, Kept and Unkempt

2010-12-18T23:38:00.000-06:00

How come people are so shocked when I complain? Like they just saw a nun masturbating or a stripper without issues with men....it's some huge fucking shock that disappoints people.

(now when I say "people" I just mean a few, of course)

Not allowed to complain, explain, go insane. Always got to be nice, look pretty and shut the fuck up or god help you I will not be your friend no more. Is it church? Are we to be seen and not heard? Did some asshole god say that we have to be meek and take your bullshit and smile?

I am fucking FED UP.

FED UP with pseudo-castrated men...with people who are two-faced....people who can't follow through....promise you the goddamned world and bail because it's simple, easy ~ life should be simple, easy right? Grow a pair. Grow a spine. Cut the cord. Be something. Be somebody. Be noticed.

Be heard.

But women come off as bitches if we know what we want, go for it and get it. Or gold-diggers. Men are powerful, ambitious, hardworking. We are just a bunch of stupid whores on the sidelines begging for a ring.

Right?

Fuck that shit. I have had rings....they don't mean much when there's nothing behind it, nothing in your heart and soul that makes you CRAVE that person ~ and usually those feelings aren't compatible with wedding rings. Now I am not saying I didn't love my husbands...I did, in my ways...they were so different though. Night and day. LOL. Kinda cute to think about. But I digress. I'm sure they think similar things about me as well....neither ended well, but differences were resolved quickly.

Sexually aggressive women are considered slutty. Having sex like a "man", i.e. "fucking and leaving", makes them sleazy...not in control of their bodies. I once bought condoms years ago from a male checker and he gave me a disgusted look! Men are high-fived, fist bumped, just super studs who are so lucky to get laid so much that others want to be like them.

(am I rambling? Yes sir, I am...fuck you)

Sorry. I am listening to music. Ludacris always gets me fired up. In a good way. It's a good thing. Trust me. And vodka. Two shots and I am buzzed as hell. And jovial. Kinda pissed too.

Whatever. I'm over having to play to good guy, to placate, to always be so understanding. I want what I want. Can't give to me? Then hit the fucking road. Seriously.

Loving my tits. That I know. ;)

(I Got Nothin')

2010-12-10T21:31:00.000-06:00

What the fuck is up with the trolls? I seriously cannot get away from them. Whatever. They must love me so much in order to keep following me around like lost little puppies....ha ha. Idiots. (smh)

So slowly my life has been coming together....well, in my head anyway. I have been just trying to get ahead for years now and it just seems so annoyingly futile. I left my then husband in Arizona without one regret until I realized how difficult raising a child is completely on my own. Then I got to thinking I made a mistake.

Ugh. Stay with a huge jackass so I can have a live-in babysitter? And a crappy one at that??

I MUST be stressed out and emotionally exhausted!!

Anyway...things are coming together. I feel like my posts are boring as shit and they probably are. As soon as I get rollin' I will back to my crazy-ass self.

See ya.

Down Time

2010-12-07T19:08:00.000-06:00

Sling me under the sea.

Pack me down in the salt and wet.

No farmer's plow shall touch my bones.

No Hamlet hold my jaws and speak

How jokes are gone and empty is my mouth.

Long, green-eyed scavengers shall pick my eyes,

Purple fish play hide-and-seek,

And I shall be song of thunder, crash of sea,

Down on the floors of salt and wet.

Sling me...under the sea.

~ Carl Sandburg, "Bones"

Another Year Gone By ~~

2010-12-04T20:45:00.000-06:00

And hell, I still feel twenty! Okay. Maybe twenty-one.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Blah. I used to look forward to them...now I kind of just acknowledge them. I don't get a party anymore with a cake or balloons and gifts galore. Now I usually get to drink my age in shots. (yuck). Same with Christmas and the like ~ once you are allowed to sit at the Adult Table the "fun' of it all ends...and the actual meaning of it comes in to play.

I am not complaining. It just makes me realize how quickly things go by in life, the shitty and the good. Things just change...you get older...supposedly wiser...but less reckless...less willing to take chances and risk.

Oh well. I will blog a bit tomorrow if I can but my ass is going out to celebrate. And I want to eat leftover Giordano's and watch a movie. ;)

See ya!

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap, and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun, and start being scary? I decided to leave fear behind and have some fun."

- Sex and the City

Women, Facebook and Men

2010-11-20T00:33:00.000-06:00

Ah, it's Friday.

One of the last Fridays I will be able to sit back, chill with a glass of Pinot while watching a zombie flick. I am going back to working nights shortly and Fridays are a definite.

One of my FB friends posted something about women and breast implants, saying that they shouldn't get huge ones because they look fake. Another post from a different guy said something about not buying that new Victoria's Secret bra that makes your tits two cups larger because it was false advertising.

My question to them is: who the hell are you?

I mean, really. There is plenty of body types out there. The breast padding chicks and the implants chicks have been around forever. They aren't going away. Why bitch about it? It's moot. Pointless. Why not bitch about someone else? I'll start.

1) The Snooki's. Yuck. Huge, glittering sunglasses from some ghetto designer - more than likely fake anyway. Orange is the new 'tan'. And they wear dresses that I know full well are shirts with the ugliest chunkiest heels since the 1990's.

2) The "Yes" Gals. You know them. Examples: I only love XXXX as long as you do. I hate XXXX as long as you do. Oh you wish you could jump off a fucking bridge? Me too!!! Yayyyyy!!!! A threesome with your dog and a midget??! Sign me up as long as it will make you like me!! You do like me, right??

3) The Hypocritical Judge. They make fun of everyone. Including you. And me. Strippers are whores but they will do body shots off of Joe Blow as long as they aren't buying them. God help you if that club has a stripper pole. They cough at a cigarette and take MDMA in the bathroom after their cocaine high wears off.They may be vegetarians because it is cruel to eat animals their extensions are made from horse tails. You ALL suck but me.

Haha! I love this game!

So I probably fall into the "Typical Blonde Chick" category. However I like to think I have a brain. I usually do.

I look "typical".

But I ain't "typical".

Well. Maybe if there are shots involved....but I try to keep a handle on that.

Onto my second, and last, glass of wine.

My little one has had a cold lately and I hope I am not getting it. Dammit. That is the last thing that I need. I haven't spoken with his father in months and months. He had emailed a bit over the summer. He says he is living in South America. Not sure I believe it but I don't have to ~ he is someone else's problem. No child support from him but I don't expect any.

I am finding that the "Nightlife" industry works for me. That's just the way it is. I like a double life. I like being able to be with my son during the day. It's tiring but it works.

Just wish it was easier to convince other people about it, ya know?

Midwest Pre-Winter Blues

2010-11-04T21:39:00.001-05:00

It was a wonderful Halloween, a beautiful Samhain, now is the time for rest and relaxation. Well, not necessarily...but the land will be cold and it's time to reflect, rest and get ready for Springtime. Time is totally fucking flying by - I jut uploaded summer p[ics on my Facebook....now I am onto Halloween ones.

I tend to get a bit down during these months....I am so a warm weather chick! My family keeps pulling me back to the Midwest. It's annoying! I am sure one of these days I will make my way West and South again. In the meantime I have been getting ready to grace the stage yet again....maybe more, we'll just have to see. I love the stage, the glitter, the grittiness, the seductiveness....it's crazy that I still do. But fuck, I AM crazy! Not a bad thing....besides, you;d have to be a tad bit insane to put up with the bullshit that this lifestyle goes hand and hand with. It ain't at all pretty ~ but it's REAL. Keeps you in check, on your toes, always aware. It also makes you a bit jaded, psychologically exhausted, burnt-the-fuck-out long before you should be.

But I am a Tiger. I love a fucking challenge.

So. Huh. Back Yet Again. Miss Me?

2010-10-21T22:01:00.000-05:00

I really, really didn't feel like starting completely anew. Well starting a new blog anyway. This one I have had forever ~~ like my holey black sweater I drove across the US with. And I cannot part with either.

I have so many things going on right now that my mind is racing. Not in a Bipolar way, but in a good way. This past year hasn't been too kind on me however I am feeling the best I ever have. I wonder why that is? I have good friends, great family and a son who keeps me motivated every day.

So enough of the happy bullshit. Let's get back to reality!!

Dancing shoes are not quite yet hung up. I miss it in a way. But when all is said and done I have a son to take care of on my own....and he is all that matters. Oh and the fucking holidays are coming upon us yet again. Yuck. Last year I managed to not rack up ONE credit card bill, so here's hoping for the same.

Samhain is coming up ~~ for all my wicked Wiccan friends.

I got nothin' today. Too much laundry, not enough sleep.

Time to catch up on my Fall TV shows. Just goes to show that there ain't nothing that can hold me down, haha. (Mh lord, did that sentence even make a lick of sense???)

See ya.

Mostly Okay

2009-09-28T20:56:00.002-05:00

It just seems surreal and fucked up. Most of the time I am fine....and it doesn't bother me. But then I will be driving or shopping or whatever...and it's like "oh, he's dead."

I suppose it just isn't fair. I know this shall pass and everything happens for a reason and all that BS I cannot stand to hear anymore....but it is just crazy that he isn't alive anymore. he was one of those guys that I thought would always be there - and he was.

He was the reason I bought that ugly hat, the reason I began to like the color pink, the reason I danced to the Flashdance soundtrack, the reason I left, the reason I returned....I feel kind of lost. He left behind a teenage son who is an absolute doll. Who I want to talk to but have to settle texting for now. Because it hurts. Because he is completely devastated.

I don't feel like typing anymore right now....

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
~ Missy Higgins, "Where I Stood"

See ya.

I'll Miss You Deej

2009-08-19T21:56:00.002-05:00

I was enamoured with you when I was 19 and completely stupid. You left me for any blonde stripper that looked your way....and I still waited around for you. Ha. Once I grew up we had some fun days, some not so fun days...and we always stayed friends. On my 21st birthday you handed me a shot of Rumplemintz during my second song on stage. When I got back from Italy you got me wasted on Halloween and I threw up in the champagne bucket. You loved me in hot neon pink and I always despised your tiny blonde girlfriends.

I loved you, I know I did. You said you loved me, I know how you meant it.

Now you have gone and left me. I'll miss you so much. We never made us into more than a couple of friends having a good time....however you were always in my heart and always will be.

I hope you have finally found what you are looking for.

"DJ", age 46, passed away July 29th, 2009

Piggies!

2009-08-12T20:37:00.003-05:00

I am obsessed with MAC....anything and everything MAC. Now I am searching out samples of their pigments (piggies/pigs/whatever). I have one vial of Vanilla pigment, a sample of Naked and am hopefully swapping for a vial of Melon. I have no full sized jars as I wouldn't know what the hell to do with all that product.

Playing with MAC pigments is like playing with crayons and paints as a child. I swear. If I didn't suck at putting make up on others I would have gone to school for it....but alas, I suck.

Speaking of, I am wearing MAC Prrr lipglass in the photo...I think. It may be Flusterose...yikes. Cannot remember. As you know I adore pink as well...

I took my son to the mall as there is a play area there where the kids can run around. However some douchebag's child ran right into my baby and knocked him right over. I picked my son up, who was crying at this point, and noticed that the douchebag was laughing like it was funny. What a jackass! So his little brat started giggling. I was irritated. I would have said something but I wasn't sure they understood English anyway so I let it go. A super nice and suprisingly good looking father next to me helped me calm my son down. It's funny....it seems when I look like absolute shit I get hit on the most! I left the house with nothing but tinted moisturizer and lip gloss....and yet there he was...interested.

Go figure!

We'll see about that one though.....not so sure....he seems to be someone on the good side of Jesus....while I'm just, um, not. ;)

Things are good. They have been so busy but now they are quieting down a bit. I had an amazing summer so far and am actually looking forward to fall - apple picking, Halloween, those crisp warm days that smell like burning leaves....it's magickal in a way.

OT but South Park is sometimes beyond funny...and then it is downright disturbing, Family Guy is the same way too.

I am loving the song "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland. I have no idea why but it makes me feel so energized. Great to work out to!

I am boring today. I am just so fucking sick of some people it is insane...so I am being selfish for me and my family, cutting loose the things that make me feel bad or hold me back. Hypocrites and arrogance are huge turn off's for me....and I cannot tolerate it. I allowed way too many people to make me feel like I wasn't good enough and begged for more that it is depressing to think about. I cannot do that to myself anymore.

So I let 'em go.

Sad but true.

But what else can I do?

Act like a doormat and people WILL walk all over you. That's a guarantee. Stand up for yourself and quit apologizing for someone else's bullshit and insecurity.

So I did.

And why am I second guessing myself??

Ha ha1

See ya.

Today Goes to the Dogs

2009-08-02T21:04:00.003-05:00

I have been up to alot of different things lately...keeping myself busy. School is out so I am running myself ragged.

Today I met my uncle's dog, Bella, who is an adorable Bulldog. I think it is an English Bulldog. Anyway I was sitting on the grass with my son and she came barrelling over and playfully pounced on me, knocking me backwards...legs up in the air...over my head....my arms gripping my son as we did some weird half-assed somersault, me obviously taking the brunt of it all....him just getting pissed off....and me feeling a complete utter asshole...thanking the Goddess I had changed out of the denim miniskirt I had considered wearing.

LOL...my son stayed away from the dog the rest of the evening. He played with Rosie, my other aunt's mini poodle. I was wary of Bella however she won me over when she kept stealing the soccer ball.

I have such great things coming up within the next month. I'll share them when I have time to post lengthy postings. Things are slowing down and it's a nice break for me. Well, not a break per se....more like a lull. Life is pretty damn good.

I have new pictures I will post when I am not so beat. Thanks for the compliments on the last one. I smile alot lately. Especially when 42 pound dogs knock my 118 pound ass over. ;)

Relaxing Monday

2009-07-20T22:32:00.002-05:00

I have so much going on right now! But it is good. I am happy, healthy, stressed of course, but it all just seems 'okay'....like I am starting to find myself, my life, my goals, my dreams. At 34 I am in damn near the best shape of my life and my smile is genuine, my laugh comes from deep within myself. I realize what I want to do, what I need to do, what I have to do. After I do the 'needs' and the 'haves', the 'wants' are oh so much better. I take nothing for granted anymore. Life literally does pass you by if you aren't out there living and you will regret it.

My son is 19 months now and amazingly beautiful.

My relationship with my family has never been stronger.

My life has structure yet it is never boring.

I surround myself with positive people who truly care about me.

I certainly don't have it all, but I have what I need.

Ah well...I feel content. There are a few things I want but hey.....I can hope for those things. I just wish it would warm the hell up here in Chicago. What is UP with this so-called summer? Ha ha.

What I am loving right now....internet window shopping at Sephora and MAC (shameless plug/hint, I have turned into a makeup-a-holic!! Help me!), "Champagne" by Cavo, the soundtrack to "Somewhere in Time" (utterly romantic!), Mike's Hard Light Lemonade, Bio-Oil, Prada Prada perfume, pilates bands, Rock Band World Two, World at War Shi-No-Numa for XBox 360, the book "Breathers", Prozac, the sunshine, tan lines (yes I have them - I am pretty damn tan already!), Vitamin E Oil, having natural nails that finally look good, my legs, Johnny Depp, cooking meals that I hate but everyone loves, a 6 inch Subway Tuna sub, iced coffee, dixie cups (remember those wooden spoons?!!), sweet summer corn - the ones that are almost white they are so pale, finally finding a comfortable puch-up bra and a kickass pair of jeans.

I am going to finish watching the Simpsons and go kick some ass on the drums in Paris.

Not for real...LOL....Rock band, remember? ;)

See ya.

My 301st Post

2009-06-28T15:23:00.003-05:00

Wow. Seems like a lot but over the years maybe it isn't.

It's been awhile since I have written as things have been busy and good. I have a few wonderful things in the works yet I cannot divulge them as of now - mostly out of fear that I will jinx it somehow. I have done that occasionally.

The weather has been hot but today is just glorious....breezy, no humidity. I have been spending most days at the pool with the kids. My nephew is a regular fish while my son....ehhh. It took him awhile but once he got in he refused to get out. My back is a bit sunburned yet I could care less. Summers are really fufilling when there are children around. You get to do all the fun stuff again.

It is just nice to be walking with self-confidence once again. A year ago I was about 20 pounds heavier and just not digging life at all. Now I feel like a beautiful, sexy, woman in the prime of her life.

I don't know, lately I have just felt more alive. It is so hard to explain. For so many years I was just existing, breathing, not living. Now I feel so energized and hopeful. I could care less how many setbacks I have had because honestly this is obviously the plan the Goddess has for me. As sucky as it has been.

But something has been annoying me. The dog, Jessie, rolls on my Power Bars. Like I give him a piece of it (I have one for breakfast with a piece of fruit) and he will set it down and start rolling all over it. He has done it everytime. I used to give him a piece as I am a sucker for a begging dog. Now I do it just for the entertainment.

I just wonder what the hell is in my Power Bar that makes a Boston Terrier want to smell like it.

(shudder)

Off to enjoy my Sunday....y'all enjoy yours....

Taking a Deep Breath

2009-06-07T21:39:00.005-05:00

All is settling down after a rough couple of weeks.

My sister is better (thanks to all the well-wishers out there!) yet she was dismissed from her job regardless. The reasoning they gave was bullshit, IMO....but then again who can expect much from a Department of Defense airline that is based out of Rockford fucking airport? I won't go into details or anything but she was let go because she was "treated at a military hosipital and they fly military....and what if one of the passengars recognized her?".

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

Can anyone say "HIPAA"?

She is going on unemployment, still is hired by United even though they are in the middle of a freeze and she will be fine. Her hubby is visiting from Japan which is cool. I didn't get to spend much time with him before to get to know him. The more I do, the more I realize what a stand-up guy he is.

Read that last line above as "I am completely and utterly jealous....I managed to marry the most worthless men on the planet and I hate my life...."

His parents are flying in this weekend too. They sound sweet.

I have a sinus infection. It completely took me by surprise and hurts like a son-of-a-bitch. I am on antibiotics but I could barely make it out of bed yesterday - fever and severe pain. My sis and BIL took my son all day and I barely had to lift a finger. Way fucking nice. They also went out and got me magazines, my fave water drink, a candy bar and flowers. Swoon. LOL.

I am better now thanks to a full day of bedrest and antibiotics. I am back to my old naughty self...well, close, maybe not 100% but I'll get there. Shit that was painful!

One thing I have been thinking about...because I see the issues of marriage...is how damn glad I am to be divorcing right now. I hate to say it. But with school and raising a toddler on my own there is no goddamn way I would have the energy to deal with a husband.

Or maybe I am just saying that.

I am probably not going to ever marry again, however I haven't given up on love (or lust, whatever). Marriage is fucking HARD!! Geesh. It's funny how once you have that piece of paper that things that normally wouldn't annoy you or even come up start pissing you off beyond all belief.

Or maybe that's because of the worthless men I married and subsequently divorced.

I'm gonna ponder that.

Regardless, "new love" is nice to witness from the outside, even though the little green-eyed monster rears her ugly head every now and again....along with the broken little jaded angel that lurks beneath.

How I hate her....ha.

See ya....

Distress Signal

2009-05-28T20:51:00.006-05:00

Gawd I love my sister.

People mention the bonds between family members but the bond between twins is unimaginable, unless you are one. When they are in pain, your heart aches and your whole world is fucked-up and sideways.

My sis is in Germany, on her way to Kuwait the next day. Yesterday I got a call from the lead Flight Attendant that my sis was on her way to the Emergency Room. It was frightening. My stomach just dropped and I immediately felt everything go grayish. My son was running around my feet so I braced against the wall for support and got the story. She said she hated to be the one to tell me this, that she was unresponsive. I was floored....mostly because she was so damn far away and I had no fucking clue how to get through to anyone. My German is enough to order lunch, certainly not enough to have a fluent conversation with an MD.

Without going into details for privacy, my sister is now back at her hotel and doing better. Me and my mother slept about three hours between the both of us, unable to get a hold of her until late this morning. My mom and I cried over Sausage Breakfast Burritos and coffee, mostly out of sheer exhaustion and the reality of what could have been.

My sister means the world to me and will always be my best friend. Alot of men cannot deal with the fact that they will be second to her, that's just the way it is. My stbX was the WORST and couldn't stand the relationship her and I have, and that was always a breeding ground for mega blow-outs and bullshit. In all reality, all but maybe 3 of the men I have dated couldn't stand the realization of the fact that my sister will always be around.

Yesterday my stomach ached with the thought that maybe she wouldn't be around and that is so depressing to me. It just was the worst feeling in the world - being so helpless and in the dark; wondering if she was scared or sad while she sat, confused, in a hospital in a country she barely knows.

I hate when she is in pain. I want to take her pain away. I want to take her sickness away. Being a twin is amazing, but it is also full of heartache and gut-wrenching scenarios.

I found myself asking my mom to make sure she never dies....like a child I was, begging for her to promise me my sister will always be around. Huh.

She comes home tomorrow or Saturday, so I am washing her sheets and stuff now. It still hurts but I think things will be okay once she gets home. I hope it is.

See ya.

The world is too big to never ask why
The answers don't fall straight out of the sky
I'm fighting to live and feel alive
But I can't feel a thing without you by my side

~ Mat Kearney, "Lifeline"

I Am Loving....

2009-05-18T21:12:00.002-05:00

Preference by L'Oreal Lightest Beige Blonde....Aromaleigh.com.....Rainbow Chips Deluxe Cookies by Keebler....Diet Ginger Ale....Sweet Tea from McDonald's.....Wii Fitness.....XBox 360 Live.....trampolines.....German Nivea Creme.....not being in Phoenix right now where it is 105 degrees.....the Victoria's Secret IPex bra....my DKNY So Lolita jeans in size 2......shoes by Jessica Simpson....anything MAC.....temptalia.com.....Law and Order: SVU's Christopher Meloni.....Jayne Mansfield.....being able to eat peanut butter again....not having to do homework right now.....my ultra-tacky Ed Hardy laptop bag that my sister's husband gave me for Valentine's Day.....still being called "miss".....not remembering when my last hangover was.....zombie books.....watching pole dancers on YouTube.....being able to post twice on my blog in one day because I feel like it.....

An 'A' Student Again!

2009-05-18T10:05:00.002-05:00

Yay - I got an A! Spring semester is finally over....now summer session begins in a little over a week. I am enjoying being a student agin....makes me feel purposeful, ha.

Trying to get back into the swing of things. I keep getting pulled over by yet another officer I used to know. It's more comical than irritating, as I have no fucking clue why he believes wasting my time every day is going to make me fall in lust with him.

I have been sleeping better the past two nights. My son gets up at 7 now instead of somewhere between 4:45AM and 6AM. That is too damn early!

I am having a few family issues...nothing new.

My sister's husband is taking a short leave from Japan and visiting next month for about 10 days. His parents are coming around the 13th and have never been to Chicago so they are nervous they won't fit in (they are from Texas).

Still looking for a nighttime job - I have been having dreams about stripping lately. Very vivid ones that make me think they are real when I wake up.

I still have no clue what my direction is or what the hell I am going to do. I feel I am on the right track. Except that I have no idea how to transfer my photos and ITunes to my new laptop. Anyone who has a clue, email me please! It is driving me absolutely crazy!

Speaking of email, I know I have been lacking on returning emails - I will return them within the next day or two. The end of the semester and the myriad of family problems has worn me down to the damn bone and my nerves have been insanely crazy. :)

See ya!

La Mer der armen Frau

2009-05-12T09:02:00.003-05:00

Today is a better day. Yesterday wasn't so good, but today is alright so far. I have to finish a rough draft for my final paper for English by midnight but other than that I am feeling pretty damn good.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words and all...I know it isn't for alot of us. I forget that sometimes but I appreciate the reminders. I just have to push through it, I know. My son gives me the biggest push and the hope for a better day, it is just sometimes life is so goddamn frustrating!

So I did my "summer hair", which is a lighter blonde with some ashy highlights. I cut my bangs again as they were pissing me off.

My sister got back from Germany, Kuwait and Poland. She brought me a ton of German Nivea creme, which is actually called "Poor Woman's La Mer" on many cosmetic message boards. I adore it so far! If you don't know, La Mer is a facial creme that is so costly - about $100 an ounce and up (which to me is a fucking rip off as an ounce of product is about a month's worth). It is supposed to be amazing for the skin however at that price I'll never know. The German Nivea Creme has almost the exact same ingrediants as well as the same results for about 2 American dollars. The catch is the Nivea Creme made here in the US, which is frequently imported from Mexico, is not the same. Only the German Nivea is comparable to La Mer and you can get it online for about $20 without shipping costs, or you have to actually go to Germany. So when she went there she bought well over a dozen assorted sizes for both of us. I had been lemming that damn creme for ages!

Dove also has a Juicy Peach body wash that is only available in Europe that she brought me home. I swear, sometimes the US is a bit behind when it comes to decent products. One thing Germany does not have is a light blonde hair color. I wonder why.....

I just feel so tense lately - it's weird. Almost like on edge. Maybe I am just lonely, maybe I am just anxious, maybe it's just because the weather is changing. I wish I could figure it all out. I still am having issues sleeping and I just cannot understand why. I am trying everything to get a good nights' sleep, however I haven't felt this sleep deprived since my son was little. I wake up every couple of hours and toss and turn. I tried Rozerem again and that failed, OTC sleeping meds failed, chamomile tea didn't do a damn thing. I try no caffeine after 5PM and that doesn't do shit but make me tired all evening. I am going to call my doc for a script for a couple Ambien this afternoon and see if that works. If not, I'll have to go in and see her.

Oh well. I am off to start my paper - see ya later!

Disappointing

2009-05-08T21:03:00.004-05:00

Yeah, I have been MIA again. Nothing unusual there I suppose. I have been a bit depressed I guess. Not unusual either. I am stressed a bit, finals are coming up.

Other than that lately things have just been disappointing. Hard to say just why. My divorce is just taking so damn long, I got one C on a paper that I knew I could have aced if I wasn't so distracted, I haven't been sleeping well at night, I just get so busy and so out of it I don't have a moment to myself. The medications I take help with the anxiety and the worry, but it is all still there. My psych helped me alot yet my health insurance ran out so now I am out of luck there. Not a huge deal, I have a counselor that works on a sliding scale for payment as well. They have a psych at the facility that they refer you to for med changes and the like.

It is a new season and I just feel like I am in a rut. Life, itself, has just not been what I thought it would be...minus my family and close friends obviously. They make it okay, ya know?

A friend of mine got a girlfriend and now barely talks to me anymore. Hey, I can understand it....I have even been the friend that had the relationship.....however it hurts to be so insignificant. Like I was just filler, like I meant jack shit. I am pissed off about it yes, but I'll get over it. What choice do I have?

Men in my life have consistantly disappointed me for years upon years. Yep, I am jaded but I can still be broken and hurt. I especially cannot stand men that let down children. I look at my son every day and feel sorry for him. My nephew too. They make promises and promises and bullshit and bullshit....and I wanna tell him it's FUCKING BULLSHIT yet they are still waiting for that fucking pony when they turn 21. Yes, maybe that whole paragraph meant no sense whatsoever, but if y'all knew what was going on it would be so clear.

I hate feeling like a failure. It is a horrifying place to be. I know I am a good mother, sister, daughter, aunt, student, person. I know i am going to do so much in this world. But my impatience and fear of not being able to make ends meet makes my stomach ache and my head want to explode. The economy is turning around yet I will still be on my own in this, at least for now.

Most days I just wonder how I can do this on my own.

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.

~ "Same Mistake", James Blunt

Finally ~

2009-03-31T10:58:00.003-05:00

I am quitting smoking.

I only smoke about a half a pack or less per day but it is getting annoying and cumbersome. I just hate it. Besides, you can't smoke anywhere in Illinois anymore anyway....so there is no point. My doc put me on a low dose of Prozac for anxiety so that actually may help me quit successfully. Taxes on cigarettes are asinine as well. Oh and the health risks. Yeah, the health risks. Ha.

I am nervous about it, of course. But I either have to quit sometime or die a smoker...I'd rather quit now and be smoke-free by summer.

Blah. I already feel crabby and short-tempered. I know it will go away but geesh. I was watching a YouTube video of Dan Diamond's "Tiity Dancer" and getting pissed off by the complete idiocy of the whole thing. Yes, I KNOW your girlfriend is a dancer, a titty dancer....a drug addicted sleazebag who invites you into three-ways with her hot dancer friends way every night. Yeah right. Who believes that shit?

I am chewing on straws and drinking so much Crystal Light it is reminding me of my last trimester of pregnancy. I refuse to bite my nails as they are finally in decent shape after years of acrylics.

No more fake nails, no more fake tanning, no more fake hair....still have fake breasts but who the fuck cares - they are gorgeous!

I want a cigarette. But I don't have any. And I don't REALLY want one.

Checking In,,,

2009-03-20T10:30:00.003-05:00

I am excited! My brother-in-law had bought my sister a laptop over Valentine's Day weekend because hers had stopped working. She got a brand new replacement for hers a few days ago so they decided to give me the one he had just bought her. Yay! I am again wireless....my stbX had broken my old one on purpose in Albuquerque so since then I have only been on desktops, now I gotta get used to a laptop again. MY BIL really cares about her, I do know that. And I am not just saying that because I got a brand new laptop. He's young, yeah....but I am starting to realize my own biased behavior. He loves her, he does so much for her. It is just obvious. I admit he treats her better than I have even seen any man treat her. It makes me realize the huge mistakes I have personally made regarding men. I would rather be single that back to that bullshit.

So I signed up for Skype finally. My sis uses Skype when she is overseas so now I can talk to her with it - I can even see her as this laptop has a built in webcam. She also uses it to chat with her hubby in Japan. Way cool. I feel so 21st century again!! Ha ha.

Thw weather is starting to move in my favor once again. My LO loves to be outside so that is a major plus. So even when it is 45, like today, I bundle him up and we run around outside with the dog.

Pagan Spirit Gathering is held only 7 hours away from me this year! They moved it from the usual place in Ohio. I am actually going to be there! It's for a week in June and it is in the Ozark's. I cannot wait....I really need something like that to clear my head and help me get into the right direction. I mean, I am doing alright but I have so many questions right now.

My nephew and mom left for a week in Florida today. I decided not to go as school is taking up alot of my time and even with online classes I am afraid to get behind. I need kickass grades to keep up my Financial Aid and I am not going to chance it at all.

I watched that Lifetime Movie about those "Fab 5" Cheerleaders until 1 AM last night and I am beat. Those girls pissed me off so much I had to watch the ending. I didn't fall asleep until after 2 and I still have to go to the grocery store, pick up my prescription and head to Kinko's to send a fax later on. No time to nap.

Jessie (the new dog) is now potty trained but steals all of my LO's toys. He;s a good dog. Strange looking, but cute. He is great with my son even though he takes his stuff. Very protective of him. He grew on me I think. ;)

I gotta run....so much I want to write about and now I can! Yay! Still trying to get used to damn laptop again so excuse my errors...LOL.

Happy Friday!

What Would They Say?

2009-02-25T15:08:00.004-06:00

I am irritated by an email I received this morning, listening to music (as usual) and working on a project for English. I have a 700 word essay due on the fifth, but this is a simple homework assignment before then.

"Write a eulogy for yourself."

Creepy, yes.
Strange, kind of.
Fun, yep...in a weird sort of way. But this project kind of ties into the annoying email. I won't go into details about it, but part of it had to do with what others think about me. Now isn't that what a eulogy is about? What others think about you?

Like for instance...a eulogy for when I was in my twenties would be something like..."Oh shit, she just died? Lord, I cannot believe she made it THAT long!". Kidding...kinda...maybe not.

So this is actually kind of hard. It only has to be a few paragraphs but the more I write the more it starts sounding like a personal ad. Then I start getting nervous....like what do they really think about me? What WOULD they say? I am sure they would omit the gory stories. Or else I hope they would.

Everyone cares what people think about them to a certain extent, some more than others. Personally I just don't have time to give a fuck anymore. But this whole eulogy thing has got me thinking....do I even know what they think? Am I being selfish not stopping to reflect on that? Or is it better off just not knowing?

It's grim, but think about it. What would people say about you? Would it be a bunch of cliches'? A bunch of bullshit? About how your smile lit up a room and your laughter is still felt in the hearts of many? How you died too young, had a long life, had a beautiful stay here on Earth? Would they weep, would they lie, shift around uncomfortably, would they giggle at funny memories?

I have a couple days to ponder this. My professor appreciates creativity and he is actually one of the most amazing teachers I have ever had. I do admit this project is kind of blowing my mind....threw me off track.

I do know one thing, at least it would say that I never stopped trying.

One time around the block
Two times around the clock
Three times, don't cross the little lady (lady)
So pretty and, oh, so bold
Got a heart full of gold on a lonely road
She said, "I don't even think that God can save me" (save me)

(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me

Born alone, we die alone 'n'
I'm just sittin' here by the phone
Waitin' for the Lord to send my callin'
Street wise from the boulevard
Jesus only knows that she tries too hard
She's only tryin' to keep the sky from fallin'

~ 'Saving Grace', by Everlast

Ready to Roll....

2009-02-22T21:00:00.003-06:00

And completely un-fucking motivated.

I am in the middle of writing a paper on racial diversity. Geesh. Could that topic be more vague??? Oh and boring. Overdone. I heard Rodney King in that part of my mind I try to hide....isn't he on Celebrity Rehab Sober House now?

Yikes. I actually know that. Poor Steven Adler - I used to adore that man.

So I am kicking back with my IPod ("Ready to Roll" by Jet Black Stare)....making me want to get in some ultra-fast foreign sportscar and just hit it.

But then the little voice in me going...."but you're a mom".....blah. So I pretend. Ha. Fantasy has become my ultimate escape. Now I actually want to buy a stripper pole for my basement....call it a workout, but in all reality use it as some slight escape from the reality of cutting up food and cleaning messy hands.

(Now Megadeth's "A Tout Le Monde" is on....love this song!)

Today was uneventful. Yesterday I took my son out in the snow. It took me a good 15 minutes to get him geared up, another ten to get myself in some horrifying snow get-up...and he stayed outside about 4 minutes before he started to tear up and say 'Up, up, up".

I got pictures of it though. Too cute.

I need something. Trying to figure out exactly what it is. I think I know, but I am not sure. Did that make any sense whatsoever? Probably not, but I don't usually make alot of sense. Maybe it is the idea of spring being on the way that is giving me that...gawd, I don't know...is it an urge? A longing?

("Southside of Heaven" by Ryan Bingham is on....a little too bluegrass for me, but I adore the lyrics...so I am skipping to Franz Ferdinand with "No You Girls"....)

Sigh. I am peeking at the Academy Awards. I just want to see who wins "Best Picture", maybe I missed it. Oh well. The news will have it in the morning.

I know I should be doing my homework but I just don't want to. I want one more song.

Better make it good then, huh?

So....

"Get Your Body Beat" by Combichrist. The song makes me feel naughty, sexy, submissive and dominant all in one....whipping a brunette stripper while she is handcuffed to a pole...oh lord....memories....

Trick your crank to set the score
Can you take the pain at all?
I try to understand you girl
Glad you got to earn it
Fuck it up and let it go
Get your body beat
Let your blood flow

Frustrated With Kitty

2009-02-19T10:52:00.006-06:00

I know I have been completely MIA but that was one of the nastiest stomach flu's I have ever had!! I don't get them very often, but geesh! It was a full week before I felt well enough to get out and about. The two kids in the house that got it were over it within a few days. Not me. Long after the horrendous nausea and vomiting stopped I still felt almost hungover - weak, dehydrated, achy, just like total shit.

School began once again - just it time for me to feel better. Yay!

Spring is coming, not soon enough though. There is hope once you hit Valentine's Day so I am feeling pretty good.

My brother-in-law (yep, it is official) is getting deployed to Japan early next month...some pisshole backwater mini-town. Better than Afghanistan and Iraq, but he's already been there. He seems like a good guy although. I shouldn't knock him, he is 26 (27?) and we alllllll know that men mature slower than women. Which is why I personally have usually preferred older men. ;)

I have been pre-spring cleaning like a madwoman lately because my nephew's school is having a fundraiser flea market sort of thing. It is amazing the shit I wore pre-baby, now I wouldn't touch most of it with a 10 foot pole. Not because I don't fit in it, I just cannot see myself holding a babbling toddler with my tits hanging out. They can hang out when he isn't around. Yeah, I saved a few key pieces.

Still working on photos, I have just been so super busy cleaning up and decluttering - it feels so therapeutic....cleansing the mind and soul as well as just getting rid of all the fucking shit I just do not want.

I am desperately searching for that gowdawful Hello Kitty brush collection from MAC. My local Macy's is sold out and it is sold out online as well. I have no idea why I want it, I just do. I wanted to treat myself to it as all of my makeup brushes are 2-6 years old (um, yuck!). MAC brushes rock, so I hear....and it has pink on it! Yes, I am 34 and am obsessed with those brushes. Maybe it is my inner child speaking....lol...or maybe I just like gaudy pink things. Shit, Octomom can afford to shop at MAC...why can't I? Oh yeah...now I remember.

Speaking of the monstrosity meantioned above.....what the fuck?? Who in there right mind wants so many kids...besides the Duggars or those Jon & Kate people? Maybe she saw all the publicity they got and wanted a reality show of her own. Personally those two families are different, a bit weird maybe, but at least they are stable. Octomom has no husband, no job, no home, no real support...all she has are those atrocious lips that we all know are a PS's work-of-less-than-art. The State of California will have fun raising that brood. She should be sterilized. I believe in a woman's right to do anything the fuck she wants with her body....but that is completely pushing the limits. Human females are not supposed to breed like dogs. Someone should have noticed her obsession with children when she had 6 of them.

But since she obviously gets off on the attention I shall end that rant about her right there. The less people acknowledge her the more she will just go away.

Has anyone else been looking for part time work? It is fucking scary out there! 100's of applications for a PT night and weekend job at a retail store. Needless to say a single mom is usually not on the top of the list! But talk of recession breeds recession....the more we all think and speak positive the better things can be. We should be so gloomy and negative, then we are pretty much assured a shitty economy.

Like if you cannot afford soda, you can lose that extra 10 pounds. Or if you cannot afford pizza night, make your own from scratch. If you cannot take the kids to the movies, bond over a board game instead and spend quality time with them. If you cannot by $50 MAC brushes...well, fuck, that is just eternally tragic!!

Baby's up...gotta run to school to drop off a paper. See ya!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T22:27:00.002-06:00

I am so sorry I have been away. I have been stuck in stomach flu hell. My son got it Monday, I got it Wednesday along with my mom, my nephew got it Thursday. I am sick of cleaning floors!! What sucked the most is that when my son stopped throwing up I started in! I couldn't lay down or anything. I mean, severe nausea and dry heaves are nasty...but try having that and a 14 month old running around your feet? Fuck, that was awful. Now, 4 pounds lighter, I am still drained and weak.

But damn, now my stomach is flat, flat, flat. Ha. What us ladies will do to keep our figures. ;)

My skin was so dry from being dehydrated that I have been slathering coconut oil and shea butter on - it works amazing. I am sick of Diet Ginger Ale, I drank that for three days straight. Now I am on my SoBe Lifewater in Fuji Apple Pear - you gotta try it. Oh and the Bud Light I opened a half hour ago. probably not a fabulous idea but I don't care.

So I am having an unfavorite beer, listening to my IPod and actually congratulated myself on almost eating half of my dinner . LOL. The beer will put me asleep in about a half hour. Yay. I need it. I am tired and need a 'me' day.

I keep wondering what naughty things I should be up to this evening? I keep trying to remember what naughty things I wished I was doing last year. 12 days more marks my one year anniversary of being back home! It's strange as hell.

Well, I am going off to bed. I will update my new photos soon - I promise! I have a busy few days and then I can take a break for a bit. I got alot to update y'all on!

Have a Happy, Naughty, Lewd, Amazing, Hot, Sexy Valentines Day!

Don't do anything I wouldn't do....ha ha....

Still Kinda Hurting, But It's Getting Okay

2009-01-27T20:57:00.004-06:00

I just haven't felt much like writing much - I just feel like I don't have much to say. It's been a long week and the hurt about Maisy just doesn't seem to sting as much. It tugs a bit, kinda....like something is missing. My nephew took it badly of course, but after crying nonstop for a few hours he started to come around.

The other dog is still here and not as big of a pain in the ass. He actually knows how to go outside now, however sometimes I look at him and it pisses me off. He was around when Maisy died, and I know it isn't his fault or anything, but still....

My son has four more teeth coming in which is the last of his baby teeth. Fucking shocked the hell out of me. It's not that unusual but I just needed a break between the sets of teeth coming in. He got his one-year vaccines and was fussy from that and then his teeth started bothering him. Geesh.

The weather seems to be getting me down a bit - it is beyond cold around here. A temperature of 1 below zero should NEVER be a high!! And because of that 2 out of the three cars were not starting so I was completely housebound. At one point I felt like running from the house down the block, screaming like a crazy person...just to get away from the house.

I did see lots of movies though. Which is kind of cool, as family stopped by alot and their kids played with mine and kept him occupied for more than 5 minutes at a time. I got to watch "Ghost Town" which was actually pretty funny. "The Dark Knight" was just beautiful and Heath Ledger just blew Christian Bale completely away. "The Strangers" was a bit boring and actually left me feeling unsettled, kind of in a "Trainspotting" way. "Cloverfield" was as annoying as "The Blair Witch" and made me feel like I should have taken a dramamine.

I do want to see "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" and "The Unborn". Seeing movies, unfortunately, is never on my agenda...so as usual I shall wait for video. At least I can watch it with no makeup and sweats on.

(I know, I am just filling this up kind of mindlessly, I just feel like a part of me is missing because Maisy is gone...)

Music, music, music. Keeps me going a lot more lately. "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, "Undead" by Hollywood Undead, "Diary of Jane" by Breaking Benjamin, "Green Mind" by Dink, "18 Days" by Saving Abel, "Vision Thing" by Sisters of Mercy, "Second Chamce" by Shinedown, "The Kill" by 30 Seconds To Mars, "I Don't Care" by Apocolyptica, "What You Know" by T.I., "Hole in My Soul" by Aerosmith.

Sigh. I feel so stupid being so upset over an animal, and I know it is a part of life, I know all of that...it's just hard.

I'm just gonna sign off for now and come back in a day or two when I feel I can actually write something of worth. Ha ha. Do I ever write anything of worth? ;)

See ya.

A Very Sad Day Indeed

2009-01-12T13:20:00.004-06:00

My beagle, Maisy, was put down right after noon today. She was eight.

The past week she was vomiting alot, lethargic and seemed to be in pain. Her lymph nodes were severely swollen in her neck and she could not bend her head down to eat or drink. She refused to go outside and just laid on the couch pretty much all day and night. When she was up she was just standing there, shaking and trembling. Her stomach was badly swollen. Last night she was the worst we had ever seen her.

So we took her to the vet who said she had lymphoma, which had spread to her belly. Apparently it is one of the most devastating cancers for dogs to get as it spreads so fast and even with treatment only gives the dog about 6 more months at best. The vet (who was just amazing) said she seemed to be suffering. So the decision was fairly easy - she needed to be put to sleep.

The picture above was her over the summer outside.

I am so going to miss her. I am still upset over losing my childhood dog Bailey. I don't do well with losing animals like this.

I haven't told my nephew yet as he is with his dad until Wednesday. So I am going to wait to tell him until after school. I bought Maisy for him on his third birthday.

Yuck. I hate this! I hate feeling like this too. There is a void in this house, it feels weird. It's just fucked up that SHE'S NOT HERE. I assumed she would come back so I never got to really say goodbye.

But then again if I truly knew I doubt I could have let her go.

I love ya Maize.

Fuck Off 'Anonymous'

2009-01-04T11:17:00.003-06:00

I got an anonymous comment that just irks me. I get a few here and there that are annoying, but I just reject them and ignore it.

But there is nothing that I despise more than someone who tells me how I should feel:

Your more pissed at your sister and this dog then your EX-Husband.
It is nice to know your on top of your feelings.

I didn't know that I can only be pissed off by my stbX-husband. I suppose nothing else can get under my skin right?

And why oh why do I always have to be pissed at someone? Why can't I just let it go? Yeah, he is alot of things....which I have already posted. I just personally refuse to sit around acting like some victim all the time. How can I actually live my life that way? Instead of wallowing in misery, isn't the best revenge a life well lived?

(^ a little birdie always told me that phrase and I will keep it within me forever!)

I am so sick of blaming everyone else for my problems...my father who was never around, the boyfriend who cheated on me, the drunk husband. It goes on and on. I am 34 years old. I need to either get over it all or spend the rest of my days always having an excuse.

Geez. When does personal responsibility fall into place here?

And why the hell do I want to spend my live locked up in psychotherapy going over and over my inner feelings...instead of getting my ass outside and actually living life to my personal potential? Are there actually people in this fucking world who wish some people would stay in a little cocoon and never experience all that life has to offer?

And the bottom line...I AM pissed about the dog. I am FIXING my issues with my stbX and going to my attorney this week. I am ALLOWED to be pissed off at whatever I want to be pissed off at.

I swear. Some people need to get a life. Or a date. Or a .45.

Ha ha.

It's A Boy!!!

2009-01-03T21:22:00.003-06:00

Yikes...no, not another actual child. One one-year-old is just enough.

It's a dog. A 6-7 week old Boston Terrier Puppy with eyes like Jesse Jackson Jr. He's cute in a puppy way, but a bit ugly for a dog (sorry, I call it like I see it). So his name is Jesse.

Well, my sister's hubby-to-be (or actual hubby - jury's still out on that one) is very nice. He's young (8 years younger then us), he's very polite, he's obviously a very dedicated Marine. But I have to say....no SCREAM...WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE EVEN THINKING WHEN HE GAVE MY SISTER A GODDAMNED PUPPY???

Was it his age? Do 26-year-old lovesick Marines give dogs as gifts? Is it a Southern thing? Is it just plain utter fucking oblivion to anything other than the female he is currently banging??

Here is the bottom line. My sister flies. She is a flight attendant for an airline that sometimes has them sit reserve in Budapest or Keflavik for up to 18 days. When she is not flying she is usually in Texas (where his family lives and he visits) or in San Diego (where he is based). If she is not in any of the above mentioned areas she is sleeping or on the phone with said Marine.

Again.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Currently they are on their way back to San Diego, having a lovely road trip...stopping in such beauties such as Vail and Las Vegas.

So what am I doing, you ask?

Cleaning up dog shit. Dog piss. Getting bit to death by this damn dog. Feeding the dog. Standing out in the cold to try to get him to actually go outside for once. Wiping the dogs paws as he runs through his own shit and piss. Keeping him away from the Little One.

I call her and she said they are 'having a blast'. I wanted to rip her eyes out.

I won't let Jesse around Little One as he tried to take a bite out of his face. This dog bites, whines, barks, pisses, shits, sleeps and farts. That's it.

They left on Friday morning and I am going insane. I mean, we HAVE a dog! See her pic?? A nice yet slightly overweight beagle who is 8 years old who sleeps all day, plays a bit at night and knows when to get me to let her go potty outside. She even plays with my son! She would never even think about biting him - anywhere. She barks alot but hell, she is a beagle.

(god, I so took her for granted before this freak show)

And the beagle hates him. He will literally run after her and bite her on her ass. She outweighs him by at least 40 pounds and is way taller, but this thing can run fast. I feel sorry for her.

My sis says she will be back Monday (ha ha, right!!) but this dog is NOT staying here while she is out flying or galavanting - or both. I fucking refuse. I cannot have a puppy right now. School is beginning soon and I am going back to work shortly. I have little time for myself as it is! I am not sacrificing the few hours an evening I have alone for a puppy - studying, work and homework will do that just fine.

I am so irritated. Come on!! Who the fuck gives someone a dog who is: a) never home, b) already has a dog, c) didn't ask the rest of the household if they actually wanted another one?

Seriously.

Her and I need to talk. I tried a bit when she was here yet she had a guest so I let it go. But this is gonna be an unpretty conversation. Well, not "conversation"...more like a crying/bitching/name-calling/screaming match that rivals any of the stripper catfights I have seen (or started and participated in...I go with the flow, ya know?).

Well, I usually go with the flow...this is a goddamn monsoon flood.

It's Gonna Be A New Year!

2008-12-30T21:20:00.005-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!! It has been just a whirlwind of activity by my way since then...and I am in a way glad for it to be over. Well, it technically ends on the 1st but hey.

I meet with my divorce attorney a week from tomorrow. Well, the attorney that works with the one that I wanted. It's a female, which isn't a huge issue. But like most women from the adult industry I am far more comfortable talking with males. She sounds lovely, don't get me wrong and I since her partner comes so highly recommended I am going to go with it. I tried and tried to do the divorce paperwork myself but that found me wanting to shove it all in a shredder and pretend I never got married in the first place. That's not a good last resort so I am going to have someone do all the paperwork for me. Gotta love paralegals.

I have so many pictures ~ as soon as I can I will show off my Little One opening gifts and ignoring them. Well it's me and my nephew opening his gifts and my Little One still ignoring them. I have some new photos of myself which I will post here after the New Year. I have never thought myself to be photogenic but I have to say they aren't bad at all.

I am staying in for New Years Eve - my sister is bringing home her fiance for me to meet. I figure if I am nervous at least I can have a glass of champagne. He's a 26 year old active duty Marine. (ummm...okay). However I am going to make a big lasagna dinner to welcome him and do my best to be kind. He isn't staying here though, I refuse to be walking around at 7AM in my jammies with a stranger. (well, it depends upon the stranger....ha ha).

I have to confess I cut my son's hair and it turned out completely horrible. I did it about two weeks ago so it is better right now. But seriously, I don't belong within 5 feet of scissors. He moved at the last moment and there was a 2 inch by 3 inch bald spot near his ear. Now it just looks uneven and weird. I keep meaning to take him to Regis at the mall but time slips by me. And I hate the Sears wing where Regis is. It's ghetto. Now that I think about it, maybe we'll go to Fantastic Sam's or something.

Another confession is my adoration of the song "Light On" by David Cook. Normally I dislike American Idol's but his voice...my goodness!! Fucking amazing. I usually only watch the tryouts for AI...which is the most sadomasochistic part of the whole ordeal. And it's like a train wreck. I feel bad for these people, they actually think they can sing. I mean, I KNOW I cannot sing....so why the hell would I go embarrass myself in front of a few million FOX viewers? Jeez, I want to die if someone sees me slip on ice.

I was shopping at the grocery store the other day and a local fire department was there (shopping, not rescuing or anything). I swear they look so young, and they probably are as you gotta start somewhere...might as well be the dinky towns. Anyway my son dropped his toy for the eleventh time and I bent down to get it and heard one of them say I had a 'nice ass'. Usually when I am shopping at the same time the paramedics are I am in sweats and sneakers with a ball cap on. Since that was a bigger day of errands and I had to also run to Streamwood I actually decided to throw some jeans and high heeled boots on. Yeah his comment was slightly crass but it made me smile. I was thinking, my goodness...someone noticed that I have been doing more squats and lunges...and the ten-minute bins and thighs workout by that godawful woman! Or maybe he was just a horny kid? Fuck it. It was nice to hear regardless of the reason.

I used to hate it when my stbX-husband was like "I don't need to compliment you, you'll just get an ego". What the fuck kind of insanity is that? Or the best was...someone, not sure I rememember who...he used to say "You should just know". Ummm...know what? Besides that's isn't the point! Ladies want to hear compliments from the men they are involved with...even if they hear it 5000 times a day from truck drivers, co-workers and high school boys.

Sigh.

I have no New Year's Resolutions. I always break them so I don't bother making them anymore. It was usually to quit smoking and yes I still smoke, but less than half a pack a day. And I don't want to quit. Not right now. I don't need to lose weight and my eating habits are fine. I drink green tea and soy milk. I don't drink hardly anything anymore unless it is a special occasion or I go out and I don't drink more than 2-3 cups of coffee a day. Yes I enjoy junk food but in complete moderation and only as an exchange for a regular sex life...so I am keeping that for now.

Hmmm. Maybe my New Years Resolution should be to get a regular and satisfying sex life?

You all have a Happy New Year! And Ciara it was great to hear from you! I hope you are doing well hon!

Hugs!

Vee

Bullet Points

2008-12-20T10:20:00.004-06:00

Yikes...I got so much going on! Christmas, birthdays, first words, first steps, finally being able to get a mani/pedi.....LOL. So I have been working on this blog for a while, just adding updates here and there so here ya go:

~ My birthday was lovely - I cannot even say how wonderful it was. Great friends, wonderful family. Last year I went out to a cheap dinner and then watched my husband get drunk. Not too hard to beat that but hey...this birthday was still fucking wonderful!

~ I am currently loving Deepfield's "Don't Let Go", the new Saliva Album "Cinco Diablo", T.I.'s "You Know What It Is", Megadeth's "A Tout Le Monde", Brooks and Dunn's "You Can't Take the Honky Tonk Outta The Girl", Framing Hanley's "Lollipop", "Pepper" by the Butthole Surfers, The Deftones with "Change", "Baby It's Cold Outside" by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, "Coma Therapy" by Strata, and Nickleback's new album "Dark Horse".

~ I saw Baby Mama and it was hilarious! Run, Fatboy, Run was alright and on my list tonight is Zombie Strippers. That oughta be fun. I still haven't seen The Dark Knight but I am going to try to convince my nephew to watch it with me this afternoon...after we kill some zombies (Call of Duty: World At War on XBox Live).

~ I get to meet my twin's fiance on New Years Eve. Yikes, that'll be weird! He seems alright though. But hell, he wants to marry my sister - I am sure I can find alot of flaws!!

~ Little One's first birthday party was fun! He didn't really give a damn about anything but an old blow up swimming toy. However he was adorable squishing his hand in the cake ~ he had dark blue lips from the frosting until the following morning! Everyone had fun, we baked Christmas cookies and listened to cheesy Christmas songs from WLIT.

~ Little One has had a cold the past few days - just a runny nose and a cough. I'm beat, he's cranky, and my patience level has gone somewhere south for the winter.

~ STBx didn't send anything for LO's 1st birthday. I have long since accepted the fact I am on my own here and it's quite okay.

~ Our Governor is a complete piece of shit. Yes I voted for him. Boy did he fucking fool me.

~ Palin's daughter Bristol (the pregnant one)...her fiance...his mom was arrested on SIX felony drug charges. I laughed my ass off. Palin, however, NEVER fooled me. I am wary of women, always have been. I have always had more male friends than female ones. I just don't trust them! Hard to explain - you'd think I wouldn't trust men....but that's where it all gets twisted. Maybe it is the whole 'stripper mentality'. Secretly most strippers trust men way more than women. It's just more PC to say the reverse out loud.

~ Talking to a good friend last night made me think....it's about time I started taking care of me. I rarely do anything for myself anymore and maybe I deserve it. No, I DO deserve it. A lovely weekend away, sleeping in and staying out until dawn...I need that! I need to remember who I am...what I am....I am losing my identity within motherhood. I clean, I cook, I make a million snacks, I run around on empty until I collapse. I am certainly not complaining, things are well...I am happy, but something inside of me is missing. Kind of a void. I need to fill that before school begins and I begin another exhausting phase. Sigh...I wonder if I can keep convincing myself all of that?

~ The baby takes several steps now and can stand for minutes on his own without leaning on anything. He'll take off soon enough, I am certainly not pushing it! Other than working out, chasing after a toddler is an amazing way to stay in shape as well as forgive the six Christmas cookies I had earlier.

~ I get by with a little help from my friends. :)

First Words!

2008-12-06T23:19:00.004-06:00

It was a lovely birthday - I will post more about it at another time. I have been cleaning like crazy all night and I am exhausted.

But my Little One said 'Mama'!! I am thrilled to death! He has been saying something like it for about a week now....but he was in his crib and I was heading over to get him when I distinctly heard "Mama".

I wasn't the only one either - so it wasn't just wishful thinking.

And after that, in the evening, he crawled up and stood...hanging on to my pants and said something like 'up'. Then he put his arms out and up and stood all by his lonesome. He has been doing that alot lately, but I got a stubborn little boy here and sometimes he refuses to take steps when I hold him by the hand.

Soon he will be more than just 'mobile'...he'll be walking. Yikes.

Oh and yeah, he has two more teeth coming in...Goddess may She save me....

I am off to bed....5 hours of sleep last night, up since before 6AM....Infants Motrin only lasts eight hours....

Last Day Being 33

2008-12-04T07:30:00.004-06:00

It is my birthday again tomorrow dammit. Oh well, 34 isn't so bad. I remember thinking 30 was old back when I first started dancing...I met a 37 year old stripper (which BTW, back in the late '90's was unheard of) and I was thinking 'gawd...how come this old bitch is still dancing?'. She looked good but hardly banked...because like I said, that was completely not the norm. There was also no grinding, no extras, no rap and you actually had to wear make up and stripper gear (not Wal-mart undies and a tank top you cut off yourself).

Since 40 is the new 20, is 30 the new 15?

Wait, yuck!

I wouldn't change my age for anything. Who the hell wants to be a teenager again? Yikes. Fuck being in my twenties, what a pain in the ass that decade was. Yeah, this is a good age...not too young, not too stupid and figuring out my life is on the horizon.

Ah well.

I am felling better. My sister brought me home a chest/head cold from Germany and I have been less than ecstatic about that. Three days of achiness, coughing and sneezing...all the while carrying anti-bacterial lotion and Kleenex in the pockets of my sweatshirt. The baby hasn't gotten it (yet) so I am cool with that.

His diaper last night must not have been put on correctly so he woke me around 6 this morning uncomfortable and covered in pee. I changed him and his outfit however I couldn't fall back asleep for the life of me and had a coughing fit so I decided to stay awake, grab some coffee and hop online. Sleep is overrated anyway....ha.

So today is my last day of being 33. Do I feel different? Not really. It's funny how I used to dread getting older....being a young stripper that seemed to be the end of the fucking world. Now it's just a day...yeah I am older, but I get older every day.

If getting older makes me wiser I am all for it!

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day...

~ "If Today Was Your Last Day", Nickelback

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T20:44:00.003-06:00

Is anyone still hungover??

Ha...not me. Yep, I missed the biggest bar night of the year last night. Fuck that - that's amateur night. Oh and I have an 11 month old. That probably nipped the 'going out and getting pitifully wasted along with millions of strangers' idea.

I am tired though. And no I am not getting up at 3AM to shop. I am going after breakfast. LOL...I HATE crowds but dammit I am doing all the holiday bullshit, I don't care if it kills me.

It's been a long yet wonderful day though. Hell, the weather was even pretty damn good.

We went to my aunt's house in the afternoon and I pigged out on turkey, potatoes, rolls and a million other things. It was Little One's first Thanksgiving and my two cousins each have a baby (not together, LOL...this isn't the South!)...one is about a month and a half older and the other about 5 months older. The three boys had a blast together! It was adorable watching them.

My twin was sick and got in super late from Germany so I brought a plate home for her. I haven't eaten since we ate around 2PM as I feel like a glutton, however it was all worth it. Most of my family was there and I wasn't around them last Thanksgiving so it was just lovely.

What am I grateful for.

This year I am thankful for alot of things....my family, my friends, my health, my sexy physique...haha...had to put that in there! I am blessed to have a stable roof over my head and no longer have the worry that I had in Phoenix. I am happy to be with my momma again. I am grateful mostly for my son who is my light and the reason I get my ass moving from day to day...and the reason I fight so hard to stay above water. He has been out of sorts the past couple days, I think it is allergies, and even when he is throwing a tantrum (yep, just started that) I adore him. I wish he would just stop screaming and learn to talk so he can TELL me what is wrong...however I love him.

I am also grateful for Silk Light Chocolate Soy Milk (my newest indulgence) in the fridge....cable at night I can watch crappy reruns of '3rd Rock From the Sun', 'M*A*S*H' and 'Futurama' if I cannot fall asleep...the fact that I still get carded anywhere I go....that it can actually snow here....Mint Creme Oreos....holiday Peppermint Ice Cream....that Bellini's exist....that some man invented Lucite platform heels....a kickass pair of jeans that I know don't make my ass look big....Suave Professionals Hair Care for all the cheapasses like me.....growing my nails out instead of those goddamn acrylics pissing me off day in and day out....my IPod (thank you again!)....Coke Zero being invented (it does taste like Coke)....gas being under 2 bucks a gallon....Ebay....sunless tanner....and a whole slew of things I am probably forgetting because of fatigue and the fact I don't feel like writing them down.

Last year was tough. This year I have my family around me as well as good friends, some new and some old (meaning - I knew ya before...not that you're old!). It's a great fucking feeling!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Speaking of Music and Hairstylists

2008-11-24T10:21:00.003-06:00

I won some downloads from E-Music from a Guinness contest. Forty actually. I was super excited until I downloaded the program and realized they have almost NO Top 40 - meaning most of the artists are unknown.

Not a bad thing, just not my thing. I mean if I don't KNOW it, how do I know if I LIKE it?? Also I don't have the time to listen to 20 second clips all day to get one decent song. So after the baby went to bed last night I decided to search a bit. I managed to find some old Winger ("she's only seven-teeeeennnnnn...") and a good remake of Bad Company's "Shooting Star" by Tesla. They have some unknown Rob Zombie and some Keoki (the latter being the epitome of Stripper Techno) as well as Bret Michaels' completely shitty recent solo album (he's still kinda hot but he cannot sing worth shit). I found a cover of "Mad World" which was semi-decent as well as a funky dance remix of Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend". My best find by far was Default with "Count on Me".

In two hours I downloaded a total of fifteen songs. If it was I-Tunes I would've used all 40 up in twelve minutes. Now I am not ragging on E-Music. It's just different. Also some of the tracks I listened to sounded like literal garage bands...meaning they recorded the song in their actual garage.

Yikes. My thing expires on the 1st of December. This is going to hard.

My Little One has been a complete crab since he got his flu shot. He was better last night and this morning so far he is his normal self. He is always horrible with shots - cranky, sleepy, runny nose, stuffy. He has to get more shots next month and I hope he is over the symptoms before the holidays. His first birthday is coming up a week before Christmas too. Mine is 20 days before and I hated it growing up because I got the 'combination gifts'...Christmas and birthday gifts rolled into one. Also being a twin we sometimes got 'joint gifts'...gifts to share. As a kid that really sucks. Free presents and I gotta share with my sister? You gotta be kidding me! Devastating as a kid.

It's damn cold here. I woke up and saw snow though - that's pretty. I really missed having a winter last year! Being away from my family for the holidays completely sucked. That and a week before I had just had a baby, I felt fat and ugly and the company I kept didn't add to anything good. This year is going to be better.

This weekend my older sister is dragging me out to see an R&B band that's playing out here. I like live music but I still haven't gotten completely over the 'going out at night' thing. I feel racked with guilt over leaving my son home. I don't know why and it drives me crazy. I know I need to get out a bit more (and obviously my family realizes it as well) and there are babysitters for a reason....so what is my fear? Where the hell did my confidence level go anyway?

So I did my hair anyway. I have got to get some new pictures taken so I can post some. When my older sister says she is going to drag me out she actually means it. I owe her one hour. That's all. We'll see. But my hair looks good - I did my traditional medium wheat blonde that I usually do in the winter. It gets so damn light that by the end of summer it's near platinum and it makes me look bimbo-ish....the breasts are enough, I don't need the hair as well. I got the split ends cut off (well my momma did it, how economical!) and it's well past my shoulders still. I need to get a professional cut but, like alot of women, I have had a fear of hairstylists since I got butched 25 years ago. And it was soooo butched that when me and my sister went on the Bozo show...(remember that show?)...that Bozo and Cookie pointed us out and said, "Look at those twin boys over there". They went on to pan the camera on us and chat a bit more about if we were boys or girls. I was mortified and hated Bozo and Cookie ever since.

And hairstylists.

Responsible Driving and Boring Shit Like That

2008-11-21T11:31:00.003-06:00

I am so touched by the comments! Really, I am. It is nice to know someone is listening out there in cyber-land. :)

I am freezing my ass off over here! Anyone in the Midwest knows it is damn cold outside today. This morning I took my son to the doctor for part two of his flu shot (no gripes from anyone anti-flu shot please!) and it was a huge ordeal....bundling him up, bundling me up, grabbing blankets and scarfs, warming up the car, then rebundling the Little One up because he took his hat and gloves off. Geesh. On my way home I grabbed coffee for a little splurge and am loving the whole 'central heating' thing.

Driving back there was construction which is annoying but I also had some dick in a Cadillac tailgaiting me for three miles while it was down to one lane. There were those concrete things on either side of the lane which make me so clausterphobic and they also make me feel like I am going to start scraping the sides at any given time. So I drove the posted speed limit. Which was 40 MPH. Back in the 'old days' I would have been the dick tailgaiting but now with a child in the car I just don't. Shit, back THEN I would have driven with an open bottle of vodka and believed I was completely above the law.

Wasn't I though? I think everyone believes they are at some point...that bullshit of 'it won't happen to me'. Most of us have driven without our seatbelts, while intoxicated, in the car while someone has smoked a joint or had an open beer bottle at some point in our lives.

Well I have anyway. Yikes. The thought kicks my ass.

I got out of a DUI once actually - and I am damn lucky. This was a long time ago. I will say I didn't believe I was horribly impaired, but I was definitely and waaaayyyy legally drunk (.15 I think it was). I knew I was buzzed, just not how buzzed. I had stopped on the side of the road as I heard a scraping sound coming from the right front fender. A piece of something had dropped, not sure what. A friendly officer stopped to help. Needless to say I smelled like what I was - drinking. They asked me if I had been drinking. I said yes I have. They asked me to take a breathalyzer and I said that was fine. More officers came and they had said that since I had the judgement to realize I had an issue with my car that they would cut me a break as long as I could get two people to come get me. Of course I found two people. I did have to sit in the squad which was nerve-wracking to say the least. Wasn't the first time, but just the first time when I realized I could be in some seriously deep shit. They were kind though, especially when they searched my stripper bag. ;)

I was fucking lucky. A family member of mine had three (or four?) DUI's before he turned 21 and at 33 he STILL does not have his drivers license. It is going to cost him 5K just for his attorney to try. Yeah, he fucked up. I can't say I pity him but it just makes me feel so much luckier.

I remember driving with the top down, blasting some annoying stripper techno on the backroads up to Lake Geneva not giving a shit. I had been pulled over so many times cops from here to there knew me by my name, make of car and date of birth. I was usually let off, every now and again not (yep, talking about YOU Sugar Grove!). I was suspended a total of three times ~ twice for too many movers and once for that Texas fiasco.

Next month is my 34th birthday and I now no longer live like a wild child, yet she will always be inside of me...nostalgic and wishing for 10 minutes of unabandoned recklessness. Her and I make compromises...like....no drinking and driving but you can get drunk some weekend if you have a sitter and a good man to share it with.

No more driving at speeds that shocks the cops. Ha ha. I can still shock the hell out of someone....but that remains to be seen....

Oh and the dick in the Cadillac flipped me off when the lane split back into two. Then he hit his brake, pulled up next to me and started waving at me. Fuck him.

Get down on the ground, spread your legs, put your hands behind your back
Get up and walk backwards towards me
You under arrest for them big-ass breasts
And that ass made me think you had a strap, pick your ass up
Get down on your face, spread 'em wide, where your ID?
Why you tryin to lie to me?
You've got the right to remain
Either you can ride the big-ass bus, go to jail or go home with us, I need backup

~ DJ Quik, "Get Down"

Entitlement

2008-11-05T21:21:00.008-06:00

Well Obama is our President-Elect. I was so excited that I stayed up too damn late and couldn't fall asleep. Obama brings me hope and I know he is someone my Little One can look up to as Obama met his father once...and look at what this man has accomplished. Yes, he doesn't have the experience McCain has, but I love the way he has brought everyone together.

Speaking of McCain, his speech left me breathless, teary-eyed. Wow. He is a good man, however he makes poor choices. I truly believe one of his downfalls was his complete need to win...and when he chose Palin after bashing Obama for lack of experience.

However it is over now, I am happy that it is over.

I am so fatigued ~ not just from the Obama excitement, but from my Little One getting molars in. He has eight teeth with two more (that he will LET me see) coming in in the back. The last three nights he has fussed and fussed to the point I wanted to pull my hair out. Tonight he got Motrin after his bedtime bottle, and I hope for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

This weekend I have two birthday parties (a niece and my cousins baby), my nephews basketball practice, the duty of taking down all the Halloween decorations and putting Thanksgiving ones up...among a ton of other shit I don't wanna recognize right now.

My soon-to-be-ex is acting paranoid and completely irrational. I have no fucking clue why. He was always a jerkoff with a hair-trigger temper, but now he is completely certifiable. Talking about regimes and fucked up shit like that.

So.

I asked him to pay a set amount each month. He told me 'quid pro quo'...basically 'what do I get in return'. I asked him what he wanted. He said for me and the baby to visit. He called me a string of names, including a racial slur (I refuse to type it, you get the idea) because I voted for Obama. I asked him if he was sober. He said yes. I didn't believe it. I asked him if he was using drugs. He evaded the question. He called me more names and acted like his traditional asshole self. I told him I wasn't going to visit. Then he told me he wasn't going to help me. He asked me if I wanted to play it that way. I told him I had to go to bed.

Thing is, I don't want to visit. I don't. Why do I want to go somewhere where I know NO ONE but him. I haven't even visited that city since I was a teenager. It's like leaving the fucking frying pan and leaping right into the fire.

Does it make me an asshole because I don't want to bring my son into a situation like that?

No.

Does it make me feel like one?

No.

Will I regret it?

Not sure, but I doubt it.

Do I hate the fact my son has an absent father?

Yes. I do. It isn't fair, it isn't right, but it is the way it has to be. I don't want to reconcile my marriage. There is nothing left - too much hurt, too many bad memories, too much isolation and sadness and feeling like I was going nowhere. Too many things I don't ever want to talk about. He is who he is and I cannot accept that. I wonder why I ever did. I wonder why I compromised so much.

I wonder why I stayed so goddamn long?

I need to forgive myself for that mistake and finally acknowledge how much stronger of a person I am. I think what irritates him most right now is his complete lack of control over my thoughts and movements. He cannot scream in my face and watch me back down anymore because he is 2000 miles away. That wasn't love, that was a fucking catastrophe.

He once said I should thank him for the gift he had given me. He was so proud of himself. I was soured by that remark, appalled. A child IS a gift, yes...but he deserves not one ounce of gratitude. Being there for the act doesn't make you jack shit. I wonder where in all hell some people get there sense of entitlement? Why they believe the world owes them? Why are you so almighty and important?

Especially when they are the ones with the poor judgement and fucked up ideals and choices. Sleeping with Jack Daniels and Stoli and god knows what you bought off a local stripper. Raving on about nuclear war and secrets only YOU know - who the fuck made you so smart? Who the fuck made YOU CIA? Who the fuck ARE you and why on earth are YOU calling ME STUPID and BRAINLESS and WORTHLESS?

Fuck you.

Ahhh.

I get angry because if my son knew how this douchebag spoke he would be heartbroken. I cannot believe anyone would act like this person has. It makes me literally sick to my stomach. I look at my little boy and never want him to be hurt by people like that, by people like his own father. It's disgusting.

I know now. I know enough. Children can be raised by one parent, two parents, two moms, two dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, whatever. I think if one has enough love for two people that maybe that might quell the pain from the other not being around. Maybe not. I guess I won't know it until the time comes and I will have to deal with it as it comes my way.

Wow. Got kinda deep there I guess. I am in that kind of mood today. Things are different and I am glad. I normally hate change. I get afraid alot. I can still be afraid but I cannot allow that to keep from from succeeding, allowing me from missing the bigger picture.

But there is one good thing I realized today. It doesn't sting me anymore when the son-of-a-bitch calls me stupid. Instead I smile.

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Reeds driftin on by you know how I feel
Its a new dawn
Its a new day
Its a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good...

~ Nina Simone, "Feelin' Good"

Voting Day!

2008-11-04T11:53:00.003-06:00

I just got back from voting - have you??? You better get out there!!! In my town the line wasn't too bad, however I heard it was long around 7AM...good thing I wasn't up then, I despise crowds. It was nice to see all of the people out there though. Supposedly Illinois turnout should be 80% or above. I hope so.

Funny thing though, I was reading some newsthing online about how European people seriously want Obama to win and Middle Eastern people want McCain to win. Funny how that is, huh? I am not going to rag on McCain or Palin anymore as it is voting day and by tomorrow all will be said and done...I just want a better future for me and my son. McCain has suppoted Bush over 90% of the time. Something needs to be done differently. McCain isn't willing to do that. It is what it is.

I watched him on SNL and wanted to die...like watching Palin, I was so embarrassed for him! It's like watching someone slip and fall on the ice...you inwardly cringe however you so want to laugh.

he is not a bad guy. In fact at one point I was slightly swayed toward him - however I was living in AZ with a staunch Republican who's idea of free thinking was 'it's my way, you are free to do it MY way'. I wonder...

Ahhh...the baby is up...be back later....

Sex and Dessert

2008-10-21T14:17:00.004-05:00

We had a health scare in my family which thankfully turned out to be nothing but it really got me thinking of how my life would have changed without this person. But it is hard to realize that we often take people for granted on a daily basis without realizing it...and only when faced with the prospect of losing that someone do you shape the fuck up.

I also realized (on a much smaller scale) how much I adore dessert. I mean, I always did, but dessert is one meal that is all my own. I share my breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks with a 10 month old...and occasionally my 11 year old nephew. When not actually attempting to eat my food I am grabbing napkins, ketchup, soda, milk, more croutons for the salad that doesn't have enough croutons, salad dressing, etc. Then comes the cutting of the meat ceremony which sometimes I 'don't do as good as grandma does'. Afterwards I clean up spills and messes, crumbs and the plate of the croutons (I of course put too much on). In between I manage a few bites here and there, not savoring it but just gulping it down in the hopes of it giving me a burst of energy to get through the rest of the day. Or at least until I can swig a cup of coffee quickly not unlike how I used to down a lemon drop shot.

If I even attempt to eat something in plain view of my baby he immediately believes I do not want it, and in fact I brought it out and put it on a plate just for him. I can try to hide but he will just try to get what I am hiding. He is smart like me (or like I can be?). So sadly I pass the plate on, over and just wait for dessert.

I eat my dessert after he is out cold asleep with no chance of waking up within the next hour. I watch a cornucopia of mindless things on cable...from Snapped to Law and Order to The Office. If I am lucky a movie that I enjoy would be on...nothing serious, nothing mind-bending, no Lifetime-made-to-make-you-think-and-cry movies. Just some guts and blood with a bit of gratuitous sex thrown in. Or, better yet, something so utterly romantic I can get completely lost in it to the point I forget I am even breathing. That's rare but delightful.

Dessert is whatever I want. I desperately watch what I eat all week in order to stay this way so I deserve it (minus the weekends and as long as I get fruit and veggies). I do have a thing where I need to be finished before 11PM but that's just my fitness freak rearing its ugly head (she does on occasion). But I indulge in hot fudge Brownie Warm Delights as if it is a sexual act - lustfully, in private, never inappropriate in public and purely animalistic. Sometimes I will splurge on some coveted half pint of ice cream and set the brownie to the side for the evening (I am single, I can do that, it'll be there haunting me in time for tomorrow).

I wake up early in the morning planning my dessert. I seriously do. Moms know what I am talking about. Not sorbet or some low fat bullshit. Those are meant for the time during the day when you need a sugary and responsible snack. I am talking about Mint Creme Oreos, peanut butter cups, Dove ice cream bars, a slice of cream pie or a chocolate cake with white icing.

Hmmmm.....maybe there is a correlation between sex and chocolate. I do know that being a mom does not mean to forgo your sexuality. I am still a red-blooded woman. It just makes it harder as you have to pay for a fucking babysitter. Do I miss those free times where I could just dial a number and soon be ravished in a thousand different ways? In a way. In a way not. Life throws such hurdles at you. And when you gotta work for something it makes that something even better. Like dessert.

Apples and Oranges

2008-10-12T22:26:00.002-05:00

First of all, I am not spellchecking so excuse any typos. This computer has been worthless lately so I am not going to add any more 'steps' then I have to. I need a new one. Ugh.

I have been so busy sometimes I wonder where the time is going. I mean, summer is over already! Well, except today was over 80 degrees and wonderful. A bit too hot for apple picking, pushing a stroller with a 25 pound baby boy around. But I got some adorable pictures of him picking his first apples. Tomorrow I am making apple pies - well, we have a ton of damn apples now - and I am taking some to the neighbors. Personally I hate apple pie. Give me a 1000 calorie piece of French Silk from Bakers Square any damn day.

This election bullshit is starting to piss me off again. My guy Obama is still in the lead but people are seriously getting so heated over politics. It gets ridiculous. I made my choice, I wavered a bit a looong time ago but now I am solid in the fact I am voting democratic. Yes I always vote democratic but that is besdie the point. McCain and Palin are two people who just want to win. They could give a damn about anything else but there skewed sense of entitlement. And Palin's quick rise to fame makes me question McCain's true goals. She was once a mayor of a town with less than a thousand more people then the town I now reside in. Big fucking deal.

All I care about is having someone in so-called power that gives a damn about fixing this bullshit mess Bush has created. That's it. McCain won't do it. Obama wants to. Bottom line. Although McCain was quite the hottie years upon years ago. Now, not so much. he has not aged well, that's for sure.

I need a night away so badly!!!! I love my son...would do anything for him...but I need adult conversation and a good glass of Pinot. I refrain from all hard liquor and shots and yes I have been known to have a beer even on occasion. It's nice not having the alcohol tolerance of a 6'5" NFL linebacker. And cheaper. ;)

I got the paperwork to file for divorce this past Wednesday. It's a fucking mountain and a half of documents. I am getting an attorney to help be because I cannot make heads or tails of a few of them. I swear they make it difficult so you think twice before ending your marriage. But in 7 months (and then some) my stbX has made no attempts to grow up and shape up and in all reality I am so tired of that drama and bullshit, that part of my life...it just needs to be over. For once and for all.

Enough about that. It's nothing to dwell on whatsoever. There is no other way and I don't want it any other way right now. I just hate, hate, HATE going to court! Ugh.

My allergies have been acting up but other than being fatgued I have been extremely content with choices I have made. I have a serious family issue going on right now that needs to be resolved but I am just looking forward to enjoying the fall and winter...I missed fall the last year, caught the tail end of winter. I missed the holidays with my family so I am super ecstatic about that. Oh and baby's first Halloween! Can't wait!

Oh I got my drivers license back a while ago! YAY!! I am so happy that I am now a licensed driver. Yes my errand runs have doubled but who fucking cares? I am legal! And the picture ain't half bad either.

All I do lately is eat though. My weight has stayed exactly the same, may have even lost a pound or two...but I mean I EAT. 6 small meals a day and I also snack in between. My family says it is obvious I need it as I am in great shape but I feel like I have a damn tapeworm. I still work out and have upped my cardio but I am still not sure why such a change. I thought is was my birth control pills....but that would cause weight gain as well. Hmmmm. I shouldn't complain I guess. I just felt like a pig at my aunt's for lunch today when I went back for seconds after hogging down a cheeseburger, potato salad, cucumber salad and some cantalope. I try to eat well and I usually do but I take one weekend day off to eat whatever I like as long as I get 4 servings of fruit in beforehand (ya gotta eat your fruits and veggies, 5 a day!). Pears are my favorite with oranges a close second. I am so SICK of apples though. Today was the second (and last I hope) apple pick of the year and we have a basket of them.

Sometimes I miss the super wild side of me...not enough to revert back...just enough to smile at some of the crazy shit I have done. I can still be wild, I know, but there is a time and a place. Still waiting for both I guess. And there are time limits...all kinds of limits. I have to be responsible at all times - number one, first and foremost. But then again once you hit thrity it is just about time to either grow the fuck up or stay the way you are and embarrass yourself. That's just what happens when you have kids. A few of my girlfriends are not understanding that fact - one of them has a child under two and still parties harder than I ever could.

I am not returning her phone calls. She's a shitty friend and an even shittier stripper. Seriously. One of those you just gotta see.

I am going to close this post as it took me a week to write...will start next weeks tomorrow. LOL. Going to try and get some semi-decent sleep. I tried Rozerem (sp) last week to help with occasional insomnia and that has got to be the most worthless piece of shit medication I have ever tried. It made me feel dizzy and dry mouthed, and the next day I felt so foggy. The night I took it I fell asleep at 2AM! And I took it at 11PM! Doc said to up the dosage I told her to forget that idea and to give me some Ambien CR. ;)

Sigh. I just have alot on my mind, wish I could write about it but women must have some secrets....that makes us slightly mysterious....or just annoying. Either way I am off to bed.

It Rains It Pours: Nostalgia

2008-09-14T10:01:00.005-05:00

It's been raining for two days straight here. We aren't flooded though, but I keep checking the basement to make sure. The rain is beginning to get depressing ~ I am trapped inside 24/7. I stepped outside for a cigarette last night and an earwig crawled on my foot....there were tons of them out there for some ungodly reason. Do they actually pinch or are they just for show? Fuck it, I squished it...didn't wait to find out.

The election bullshit is getting pretty nasty. I despise McCain and his transparent tactics but even Obama is stooping a little too low. Millions of dollars invested to slam another person....hey, I have an idea, try that 'change' thing you both brag about so much and act like a decent human being for a moment. But I always laugh when McCain says he is going to change up Washington DC...as if he is any different from that sadist Bush. But gawd Palin makes me ill beyond belief. Her ruthless behavior and track record of getting rid of everyone in her way makes me cringe. People who have crossed her worry about getting backlash....not Jimmy Hoffa type backlash, just losing their jobs and homes and liveliehood. Wait...what's the difference?

I didn't watch the all-important SNL skits...I was stuck on Fox for some reason and the 'Dancing with the Stars' skit featuring the candidates was amusing...albeit slightly.....hell it IS MadTV.

I stayed up too late lounging around watching 'Coco Chanel' on Lifetime and eating brownies and ice cream. Typical. Amazingly indulgent (worth it) yet I am paying for it today. But the movie was unbelieveably romantic. Inspiring as well for any woman, but oh my....I literally cried when 'Boy' (actor Olivier Sitruk) died! I so wanted them to get back together. The movie itself got bad reviews for being more love story than a fashion story...but I could care less ~ yesterday was such a long day it was a perfect movie to relax with.

But my favorite late-night indulgence is 'Law and Order: SVU". Usually on at 11PM on USANetwork. I mean I love the older L&O (with Lenny of course) but I have developed this unusual crush on the ADA on SVU ~ well the old one, as she quit (actress Diane Neal). So I watch reruns because of her. What. The. Fuck. It boggles my mind. I mean I don't necessarily fantasize about her sexually or anything (well, occasionally)...I just think that she is someone who would give me the extra pillow instead of hogging it for herself. :) LMFAO.

Lately I have had an issue with running into my past....literally it seems. This cop I used to casually date (not the recent one, but a different one - that guy has been avoiding ME) now works with a more local PD and I ran into him (literally, like I said) while walking into a gas station while he was filling up his squad car. I took his card but I don't have any time to get out of the house. Besides I am not looking for reruns of my past mistakes. Oh my lord why do people think they can just go back to where it was? Why are we all obsessed with chasing our past and getting pissed when we realize it isn't the same anymore? It can't be the same anymore. It can be better - or worse.

"Let's catch up"....they say, meaning: "let's get drunk and fuck around in the dark like we used to eons ago and pretend that things didn't happen the way they did, in fact lets just forget about the fact that I used you and have another cheapass Blue Motherfucker that will no doubt fuck you up and make you throw up all over my lap...after the blow job of course".

It just doesn't work that way.

This would be the prefect day to lay in bed alllll day watching 'Snapped', having nonfat lattes and listening to Lovage ("Sex I'm A..." to be exact, ovvvver and ovvvver). I feel romantic and nostalgic and vulnerable and regretful.

Ah. I've changed but I still got it.

My Nerves are a Mess!!!

2008-09-06T15:07:00.001-05:00

Ah. Long week it has been. I got so nervous and upset this morning I actually had to take a half of a sedative. Now, I feel physically better but all of it is still bothering me. Emotionally I feel exhausted and lonely....but my mind is running 8 million miles a minute...no manic like, but like I just have so much I want to work on/work out and I wanted it all yesterday.

In short I have to put my plans for school off for a while. Maybe a year. I'm sad about that. Also I am dealing with some issues with my stbX that are just making my nerves a complete mess. Still no child support either and times are tough here still. I am back to work shortly though and that part should at least get slightly better. But I am a bit down about the fact that I have to put things on hold. I feel like if I don't start moving I will never get anywhere.

I just have so much I want to to! That I have left to do!

ugh....

Again I haven't been eating enough, not sure if it stress or lack of time or both, so this morning I got so dizzy and sick. Luckily we had some oranges. That helped until I could choke down a bowl of Multi-Grain Cheerios.

Stress is such a normal part of almost everyone's life but this kind is new to me. ;)

But, to answer the comment....Palin....well she talks a good game like McCain, but her obvious anti-American antics and her shadiness make me queasy. She would be dangerous near the White House, much less in charge...because let's face it, McCain ain't getting any younger. She is a model woman in an old school boys club but for a woman of 2008 she just seems like she is stuck in the '50's. Most Clinton supporters don't back her and Obama donations were up after she spoke. I could care less about her teenage pregnant daughter ~ I mean, shit happens. But she is so right wing it's almost comical....I haven't ever seen a woman be so...anti-woman. That's what ya get from a former sportcaster...and a shitty one at that.

Bottom line: I don't like her, I think she is full of shit and I think she was used as a pawn by a grumpy old war veteran who just wants to be President - no matter what the cost. Personally if some jackass used me like that I would punch him in the mouth and tell him to stick his VP offer where the sun don't shine.

Wait, would I? Well, I would do the former definitely. Maybe not the latter...

I think McCain fucked it up by picking her. He showed poor decision making skills in one night. Would anyone want someone like that running the country??

Me and Little One are for Obama. Well, most of my family is...except for the veteran men. They'll learn.

Lord my son has been crabby lately. He wants to eat everything but the foods he can. He had an allergic reaction to blueberries so I am dealing with that as well. I am sure he is uncomfy and itchy and all but he is still so little (lol) there isn't much to do. And he is crawling everywhere and pulling up and everything - even walking around furniture while holding onto it. He already seems to have the personality that 'crawling isn't good enough, I wanna walk'. He is also sleeping through the night more....but since I don't go to bed right when he does that isn't always a great thing. LOL....parenting is funny like that.

I want to hold you
protect you from all of the things I've already endured
I want to show you
Show you all the things that this life has in store for you
~ Stained, 'Zoe Jade'

Fired Up, But Better

2008-08-30T15:27:00.003-05:00

Oh my ranting days are far from over (c'mon, ya know me) but I am doing better.

I just get pissed off at blatant disrespect and selfishness. Yeah, I was an extremely selfish person once...to the point it makes me cringe. But I took all the bullshit I have been through and turned it around and hopefully someday it will make me the person I am truly to become...the great, bright human being.

But I'll still be hot. LOL. Had to say it.

Yes I need a vacation...hell I need an hour break, ya know? Little One is cutting his 8th tooth and my nights are spent half dozing and my days are spent calming a fussy baby. Lack of sleep + a douchebag stbX husband + a million pounds of worry = a beyond fucking bitchy momma. Yes I am whining but I am tiiirrrreeeedddd!

I had gotten hit on at the Farmers Market so I couldn't go today (he was the owner of a nearby store). I will go back next week when I am armed with my reason for not wanting to hook up. I just am not interested!! Can I scream it from the rooftops??

A fabulous person who is once again (I hope!) my friend gave me an Ipod. Not brand new but new to me and fucking fabulous!! It holds a ton of music/photos and even has video playback and looks perfect and works perfect and OMG I feel like it is Christmas! :) My nephew had a friend over when it arrived and they were drooling over it. It was adorable. I love it, love it, love it. Music was always an outlet for whatever emotion I was feeling and this person remembered that. I was shocked to say the least....and am eternally grateful.

Me and baby went to an Obama rally out here at noontime...he has a little 'Obama '08' onesie. He was definitely the hit. It was fun and nice to network in the area. I met so many nice people...such a refreshing change from strippers and NBA stars.

Okay. I am still voting for Obama despite McCain's newest BS attempt at trying to get Clinton voters. Sorry boys. I KNEW as SOON as I saw her that men all across the world would be enamoured with her. Ha! "Oh she is so strong and such a great wife and mom and is so this and so that...". Blah. She talked to McCain ONCE...well twice if you count him asking her to run with him. He is slick, gotta give him that.

Facts:

~ She was elected Alaska's governor a little over a year and a half ago. Her previous office was mayor of Wasilla, a small town outside Anchorage. She has no foreign policy experience.

~ Palin is strongly anti-choice, opposing abortion even in the case of rape or incest.

~ She supported right-wing extremist Pat Buchanan for president in 2000.

~ Palin thinks creationism should be taught in public schools.

~ She's doesn't think humans are the cause of climate change.

~ She's solidly in line with John McCain's "Big Oil first" energy policy. She's pushed hard for more oil drilling and says renewables won't be ready for years. She also sued the Bush administration for listing polar bears as an endangered species—she was worried it would interfere with more oil drilling in Alaska.

~ How closely did John McCain vet this choice? He met Sarah Palin once at a meeting. They spoke a second time, last Sunday, when he called her about being vice-president. Then he offered her the position.

Read what Obama supporters from AK say about her...it's funny. But what about all those right-wing conservative mommies out there that say women should not work outside the home? What about those voters? Being VP of the US is quite the part time job, I tell ya.

Like I said, McCain is slick but completely transparent. Laughable really. I was ready to vomit listening to her talk about herself...being a hocky mom and a son going to Iraq and it being their wedding anniversary. Oh my gawd...doesn't anyone see how fake McCain is?? If he would pick a VP just to try to scam Clinton voters and not for a real reason why would anyone in their right mind vote for him?

I am sorry but his decsion made me realize what an shady character he truly is.

Told ya my ranting wasn't done! Ha ha. I am off to download more music! YAY!!!

Colonics, Child-Support, Pulling and Politics

2008-08-04T11:58:00.010-05:00

My sister just got back from a two-week trip that included Vietnam, Guam and Manila. She was slightly stranded in the latter making her very wary of her employer. However let me just say I am glad to know her specific branch of her airline is only a charter. ;) Wow.

(shaking head in COMPLETE amazement)

But she brought me back some coconut oil, which I am ecstatic about. I even decided to not nap while Little One laid down...despite the fact my insomnia has reared its ugly head once more. I used it in my hair before shower along with an all natural watermelon mask I made all by my lonesome. I also used it as a shaving lotion and an all-over body moisturizer, which made my skin look and feel amazing. I stop at my face...I will not put such a heavy oil on my face...I can imagine the nightmarish mess of angry zits that would crop up and whisper what the fuck are ya thinking of bitch?

I know all the raves about it...and I know the rants. I will not put it on my face. Watermelon, yes. Bananas, yes. Yogurt, yes. Aspirin, yes. Fuck no to anything that looks like coconut oil. Meaning no olive oil, no sesame seed oil, no sunflower oil. I know they are supposed to be fab, but I refuse. I may try oil pulling however - just for general health. I cannot afford a colonic right now (maybe that was TMI???) and that may be a good subsitution.

But I am telling you - colonics are amazing for health! I have never in my life felt so wonderful. My skin, my hair, my nails - outstanding. Yes it is not a 100% pleasant procedure but you grow slightly aclimated to it....it's like tequila, you just have to get used to it to get over the initial unpleasantness. ;)

And I admit my lack of knowledge concerning the political race to fuck up the country even more. However I cannot say that Bush is not to blame. He is our leader. So why doesn't he just...umm....LEAD? If he is so all knowing why can't he figure this shit out? He is supposed to look out for the well being of citizens so where is he?

Oh yeah. That's right. He goes to overpriced weddings and pointless trips around the globe and he hangs out with his rich-bitch family for weekend holidays. Nearly 60% of the people I know didn't qualify for his amazing stimulus check that was supposed to help people - and it wasn't because they are all dancers, because only a couple are and I did not include them for obvious reasons.

And meanwhile my neighbor cannot make her house payment and my friend has to go on welfare. We are all just asking How the fuck could anyone let it get this bad?. And anyone who thinks this isn't bad should come in my world for a bit. It isn't horredous. It isn't catastophic. But it is bad.

That was my rant for the day. I am only ranting because I am just sad. I have a seven and a half month old who depends on me and I feel like I am failing as a mother...as a sole provider. I am so determined to get to where we don't need to depend upon anyone but in all reality I am not sure when that will happen. It WILL, but not anytime soon. I feel like a complete asshole when I realize I cannot buy my son any flashy new toy sets. Yes he doesn't NEED them and he prefers the pots and pans and the other inexpensive things I get from time to time but that is beyond the point.

I know exactly why I cannot sleep at night. It's that. All of that. I hate the fact that I stress 99% of the time lately...I didn't used to, I used to be so positive. It's hard to be. There are fewer jobs then ever and those that ARE available won't pay my child care. Minimum wage is an UNLIVABLE wage (Obama wants to up it, BTW). So I am stuck. Should I go to work just to be in the hole $25 each day to my child care provider? Does that make any sense?

I get NO child support. I have yet to receive a dime, a bag of diapers, a toy, a onesie - ANYTHING. The douchebag hasn't sent shit because he 'doesn't want to because it won't count in the child support when it starts to accrue'. Meaning: He won't get CREDIT for it. He won't get back credited for anything he sends. An attorney supposedly told him that. And that aforementioned douchebag thinks that is OKAY. That's it is RIGHT. That while he has cigarettes and vodka and money to do god-knows-what I do the 'dance'. Ya know..the 'dance'..where you juggle everything around to make it work. Douchebag says he supported us for two months (he worked solely by himself while I was hugely pregnant and after I almost lost my son (abruption), and he worked for 4 weeks while I recuperated from having my son) and he should get credit for THAT too...while he forgot all the times I worked my ass off while he slept it off all goddamn day and refused to attempt to find work because it was 'too hot'.

What a bitchy, whining, pathetic human being. His sense of entitlement is off the charts. Funny to hear that from a fucking felon. If anything, as a taxpayer he owes ME and YOU for all that free room and board.

Ugh. He won't pay even when he gets served as he owes so much for his two other kids (around 26K) and he will always work for cash so neither one of us 'c*nts can take' his 'hard earned money'.

A real piece of work I tell ya....

Wow, just when you think you aren't angry, it all comes out right? Sigh...

So it is a circle, a vicious ever-fucking circle that refuses to end.

I am not wrong is wanting things to change for me, for everyone. Republicans have had their tuern, why not have a change of pace? I guess that was my whole point.

Things cannot get much worse.

I hope they cannot get much worse. I fell like I am drowning a bit lately. I cry easy. Maybe it's just PMS but I am pissed and frustrated and so everloving sad. Things weren't supposed to be this way.

Blah, I am crying again. I am signing off, going to get some vanilla Zingers...;)

Real Women Vote Obama

2008-08-02T14:32:00.010-05:00

He's crawling!!!!

My little one has been crawling since Wednesday. H e is perfect at it yet but so far he can move pretty damn fast. Wow, it freaked me out the first time I saw him do it but it was just amazing to witness. Now that he is mobile I have to run around baby-proofing the rooms - moving my DVD's and make up bags. He seems to love to get into everything and anything.

My mom and I again went to the Farmers Market - thank god the humidity broke for at least a day. Definitely a much better day to be out and about.

I donated 5 dollars I didn't have to the Obama campaign. They were probably laughing at me for such a low number but I couldn't give a fuck. Anything helps right?

We need to get a damn Democrat in the White House!! Things are falling apart and Bush is sitting back on his fat ass chuckling to himself because why should he care? He is out of here come January. Anything he does now is just filler and bullshit. He has single-handedly ruined this country....we are going down in flames. Things need to change.

Obama cares about women, single mothers especially - and helping to make sure women like me won't have to raise their children in poverty. He wants to ensure women don't have to suffer with the threat of domestic violence. He wants to better enforce collection of child support. He wants to genuinely make this a better country for families, for what is important.

McCain is a true mans-man...all full of slander and lies, anything to GET into that Oval Office. If that happens I guarantee we are officially fucked. He does nothing but try to throw Obama under a bus...trying desperately to make him look as bad as possible. I am not sure McCain could survive a loss to an African American man...the old bastard may just die of shame and embarrassment. ;)

Oh well, tough rocks.

Obama is young and fresh and new...yes he lacks experience but he has more drive and ambition to try to make this a better place. McCain and his cohorts are jaded and biased. Obama has a much needed fresh look and idea about society, not jaded by years of being told HOW to live by the Republican people.

I like Obama for similar reasons men like young strippers - they haven't heard it all, see it all or done it all. Minds are open to new things and ideas. Yeah, he also obviously looks better than McCain...as some younger girlies look better than older girlies (BTW I do not fall into the old or young category. I am just in the damn middle and lovin' it all the way!!).

McCain has turned from a "liberal conservative" to a staunch pain in the ass Bible-thumping asshole within months. I used to listen to his ideas and even agreed...until Clinton was out of the race and he turned into a complete jackass.

Getting Bush out of the WH is a huge plus alone. Keeping McCain out will be the next big thing. Neither one gives a damn about women's issues, in fact making some of OUR (meaning WOMEN, meaning NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM) issues THEIR issues, telling us how to live our lives. They think so freaking unrealistically such as offering Plan B OTC will make more people have sex so lets make it impossible to get it so then they won't have premarital sex...right???

Ha! LMFAO....

Ummm...nope. Doesn't work that way.

Having a conversation with a huge Republican and McCain fan is like having one with my ex-husband....excruciating and pointless. It goes nowhere. Most still believe there was always weapons of mass destruction (and some still think they do exist). Most believe there is a GOOD and SOLID reason why we are in Iraq. Most believe abortion is murder and anyone who gets one is a murderess.

Sigh....

I have no idea why I am so strong about this this year. It is saddening. Depressing really, to see what is going on. I am watching people around me losing their jobs and homes, women cannot afford to send their children to good private schools so instead they have to enroll them in public schools that are completely unacceptable. Food banks are running low due to a huge high demand and complete lack of anyone's ability to donate - people cannot eat. More and more people are hitting the poverty line. Homeowners cannot access their equity due to a freeze - so whoops, sorry son you can't go to college this year. Gas prices are spiking while oil companies are banking. Debt is over the top. Credit ratings are plummeting. No one can sell a home and buyers with credit scores less than 710 cannot even think of getting a mortgage. Bills are piling in and there is just no money to pay them. Moms are stripping with their daughters (believe it!). You cannot get ahead, you cannot get out from underneath it. Employment rate is at an all-time high. People are stressed out, losing sleep and getting ill trying to figure out how to make ends meet. Some people can't and they turn to Welfare and realize they don't qualify because they still have a home or a car...even though it is in foreclosure and being repo'd.

A new JCPenney opened up near here and they got over 1000 applicants. Yep. A thousand. For a crappy, part time, minimum wage job.

Fucked up and so sad.

This is supposedly the richest country in America....well, maybe it was. It sure as hell isn't now.

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and there is no no middle class anymore.

Thanks Bush, you have really done a bang-up job.

I Used To Love It

2008-07-20T10:57:00.004-05:00

We went out to celebrate my nephew's 11th birthday as he will be with his dad this coming week. We went to a local restaurant - I haven't been there is years and had forgotten how much I liked it. It is nothing too fancy and it is right on the Fox River, about 5 minutes from my house. Afterwards we fed the ducks some old hamburger buns and bagels. The baby was kind of in awe of everything - as the ducks and the occasional goose were literally standing right next to me at one point. Freaked me out! Do they bite? I am not even sure...I didn't want to find out so I jumped over a small concrete wall..in a miniskirt no less.

I love the 'downtown' area right there. It is adorable and simple. They have alot of cute shops and of course, the Fox River is right there. Houses near their are usually pretty nice but small, some are pretty run down as it is one of those areas where someone has to literally die to get into. One of these days I am going to get a place near there. Maybe I should keep hunting the obituaries. Ha. They filmed the 'Road to Perdition' with Tom Hanks there - although to be honest, I saw the movie and fucking hated it. ;)

Speaking of hating movies, I saw "The Air That I Breathe". Worst. Movie. Ever. Gawd, I still have no idea what it was really about! I thought it was going to be like "Crash", which was great, but it wasn't. It left me feeling as if I was coming of some weird acid trip. Like "Trainspotting". It actually beat out "Dumb and Dumberer" because you actually KNEW that one was going ot be horrifying. This one had potential.

I also saw that one with Owen Wilson, where he is the bodyguard for those kids. It was so-so. I blank on the name.

"Diary of the Dead" is still top ranked for recent movies I have seen. Scared me shitless and had a good momentum. Loved it.

I want to see, like everyone else, "The Dark Knight". Since I still hate crowds that is going to be a movie I will have to probably rent. Sadly.

However my son adores "Monsters Inc.". I watch it probably two times per day in its entirety, and about half a dozen more times I turn it on for a bit. I have memorized it. I used to love it, I don't love it so much anymore. It is always on. He will literally turn around in his crib to watch it, which is hard to do as the TV is right next to it, not facing him. But he figured out if he angles just right he can see part of the screen.

He is 7 months old now. He is the joy in my life. He is trying so hard to crawl! Last night he made one kind of crawling type move. Any day now. Yikes.

Fuck I'm starving! My older sister made plans for me during the week but I am not sure I want to go. I don't know how I am going to get out of it though. I am not 100% ready to leave the baby for that long at night, as we won't be back to well after midnight. The place is about 45 minutes away as well. I gotta think about that one.

So far it has been a dreary weekend and I am dealing with some issues here at home I wish I didn't have to deal with. All in all I am counting the minutes until I can go back to bed. One of those luxuries I miss is when I am feeling sad I could just crawl into bed whenever I felt like it and sleep...or read a book...or stare at the wall. Sigh, can't do that anymore. I used to love that...although when I realized I slept the whole day away I would get pissed. Maybe it is one of those annoying blessings in disguise.

Oh and why the fuck to men think it is hot to send pictures of their penises? I mean seriously! One had his wrapped up in a hot dog bun. That isn't funny, it isn't cute, it sure as fuck isn't sexy....makes me wonder about society in general. Does he think I am going to reciprocate by sending a spread shot of myself? Or I am going to fall over in ecstasy? That is the reason I refuse to get on IM anymore. I am sick of getting bombarded with idiots sending me "a/s/l?" and "r u horny" and "wanna hang out" and "u r hot". I used to like chatting with people on IM...and by 'people' I mean friends and not penis-pic sending morons who probably search profiles for anyone that says they are female.

I even sold a dress on Ebay to a tranny who in turn sent me dozens of pics of his legs and feet. Also some pics of him in dresses and long wigs - nothing showing the face, I am sure it was too manly. Then he kept asking me how he looked. I looked at his feedback and people commented how he was 'a pretty girl' and had 'great legs'. Did they know he was a tranny? Did they know he gets off on it? Why should I give him any satisfaction like that?

Fucked up.

Yeah, I am a bit crabby today.

I Want a Day Off

2008-07-14T13:44:00.005-05:00

OMG...I feel like I want to scream out of frustration.

My niece hasn't been well lately, my son hasn't been sleeping - he was up every two hours last night and had some issues with teething this morning (when do they all come in? LOL), I still haven't found the time to go to the local DMV get my driver's license reinstated as I have to take the tests again...between cooking and cleaning...which to be honest, I have been lacking on both because of the above reasons...I just don't have a moment to even put my feet up. Well, except for now of course.

I want a day off.

Doesn't have to be a paid day off.

I work fucking hard for free and I want nothing more than 8 hours to do nothing. Or 16 hours. Hell I would take 1 hour.

Maybe a hotel with a big bed and a remote all to myself - with no Monsters Inc. or Barney allowed. Room service with a Bellini or a Bluberry Martini along with ice cream, brownies and a grilled cheese sandwich with potato soup. And some Coke Zero. A radio that doesn't play lullabyes or that obnoxious group of Disney disasters. A massage...oh gawd, a massage. Taking a long bath where I don't have to leave the door open. A cinnamon non-fat latte and some Biscoff cookies. More room service with a petite filet, baked potato and some buttered noodles. A glass of Pinot Grigio along with it and a chocolate souffle for dessert. Some new movies...or new to me movies...maybe one more glass of Pinot, then 7 full and luxurious straight hours of sleep. Waking up to room service bringing another piping hot latte and some fresh croissants, hash browns and a extra cheese omelet, all the while I actually get to watch the news still laying in bed.

Wow, writing it is almost like having it happen...LMAO. Oh well, not quite but I tried.

I may have to start dancing again until school starts. I don't have to do clubs as their are plenty of nice agencies out here for bachelor parties and the like. I hate club hustling!! Ugh! I feel like a fucking beggar. And I think that doing PP is better money in a way shorter amount of time, safer and I can be sure that I am making a certain amount each evening. That way I only need a sitter for an hour or two instead of 6-10 hours, and I know that I would be actually able to PAY the sitter...something they usually like. Also I won't be out until all hours of the night, just a few, and be able to work only a couple nights a week to make ends meet for the two of us...and still be able to help out the rest of the family with a few groceries and stuff like that. I am wearing my clothes from two years ago as I came back home with nothing but some ratty wifebeaters that were used as maternity clothing. The little one has new things but my old clothes are not really mom-ish...I mean the miniskirts are fine but I don't do crop tops anymore, although I could fucking rock it all. ;) Regardless, I need new clothes and the baby needs things and I hate asking. So, the time has come for me to be proactive and not let it get to the point where my family says that I am cut off.

I feel like such a burden on them. It makes me sad.

I hate feeling so dependant. It breaks my will sometimes, gets me stuck into a rut. I can't do it. Working at clubs is a royal nightmare for me...I wouldn't be able to do it knowing my son is at home waiting for me. Just my personal thing. Nothing against those who do it.

D-bag still hasn't given me a dime and since gas prices and food prices are outrageous..I cannot depend upon the kindness of my family for much longer. They haven't said anything but I know that to be a fact. As far as school I am not going to make the Fall deadline but I do at a certain college for Spring '09. That's okay as I really want to go to this school and by then I should have most of my issues together and what not.

Meh.

This is the strangest life I have ever known...

You fucking said it Jim.

Crabby Dressing Room Rant

2008-07-12T13:54:00.006-05:00

Blah...I have been so tired and my allergies have been awful for days now. I am sure it just the humid weather that's making me this way. The baby also isn't sleeping so well...typical of 6 month olds though. He will sleep better soon enough. I just wish he would cut me some slack here and there...

So I feel like being a total crab.

I feel lonely too and am actually wondering what it is like to sleep next to a man. I haven't slept next to one in so long....even when I was married we didn't sleep togather...LMAO...that sounds like a pick up line....but seriously, we didn't. He snored and when someone who snores is drunk all the time that is even worse. So I slept on the couch and floor since I was about 7-8 months pregnant. Uncomfortable, yes. But better than dealing with a drooling chainsaw in the next room.

I was talking to a stripper freind of mine who used the word 'snatch' and I flipped out on her. I hate that word. Why do you even need to use it when talking about a body part, i.e. "The guy tried to grab my snatch". Why not say "The guy tried to grab me down there" or "The guy tried to touch my danger zone" (I used to say that one..LOL). Why say the "sn" word??? I hate that fucking word! Well she could have said the 'C U Next Tuesday' word...but I think she knows better on that one...

Strippers sometimes completely gross me out. Not all of them. Just the ones who aren't like me. I am not being conceited just honest. The ones who will piss in the garbage cans, change tampons in VIP, talk about certain infections they got from current fuckbuddies - they make all strippers look like classless, disgusting pigs. Is it because it is a profession that is looked down upon that they feel they have to act twice as nasty? Why? To prove a point...that some strippers are just gross?

Fuck! Come ON! Act like a damn lady for christ's sake! It isn't hard...well for some maybe. And in order to act like a lady, a stripper must never:

~ Piss or shit in the dressing room garbage can. I have seen both. Some not even in the garbage can.

~ Come into the bathroom and wipe off you nether regions because you were just in VIP and 'the guy was juicy'. I have seen that too. I wanted to vomit.

~ Change your tampon in the VIP room. Seen it more than once.

~ Lick the pole on stage. Fucking gross.

~ Talk about your Extras Exploits in full volume for others to hear. I know you do them, I just don't wanna know you charge the same price for a lap dance as you do a blow job. Makes me feel sorry for you.

~ Think anyone gives a shit about your Baby's Daddy. Shut the fuck up already.

~ Think you 'own' someone. Classic phrase: 'Oh, that guy is XXXX's guy". Really, I am sure his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/mistress/dog would disagree.

~ Fuck the boss and think you are special. If you do just shut up about it because no, you aren't special.

~ Say your a lesbian to get private dances. Does that even work anymore?? That's beyond dated, get new shit.

~ Talk shit. Just shut up and do your job. Real women don't talk behind other peoples backs. Unless you saw the girl doing lines off the dressing room table just assume she didn't. And did I say shut the fuck up?

~ Drink yourself stupid. Been there and trust me, you look stupid.

~ Use your self tanner right in front of others. My face didn't need a hefty spray of Sally Hansen and thanks for the coughing fit.

~ Go to work without showering. What the hell is wrong with you?

~ Shave your legs in the DR. And thanks for putting all your shaving cream in the garbage can. Where that new chick just pissed in. And the drunk chick just puked in.

My word of advice?

NEVER hang out in the dressing room.

It's fucked up and disgusting back there.

http://www.lvrj.com/living/19450584.html

I hate the dressing room...it is the root of all evil in a strip club. I swear to everything holy and unholy, nothing good ever happens back there.

Guys always say.."I would love to be a fly on the wall in there..."

Are you kidding?

Gawd, sometimes strippers just make me queasy...

My Mess With Texas...

2008-07-07T15:28:00.003-05:00

It's over!!!!! Yay!!!!!

I got my release papers for my DL from Texas in the mail today....and oh my fucking god I am so ecstatic! I was saved in a pinch and the heavens are singing the praises of those who truly care....and so am I!

YAY!!! As soon as I pay the reinstatement fee and take my drivers test (it was expired) I am on my way to being a full time licensed driver once more. And oh I promise promise promise not to ever fuck this up again! This was my third suspension actually. Yikes! But the other two were so many years ago and due to too many moving violations in one year ~ meaning I had a lead foot and a 20 year old mindset that nothing will ever happen to me. This one was due to plain old fucking stupidity....gawd if I could turn back time...

Today is indeed a most beautifully liberating day!!!!!!

I Think It Wasn't Fun But I Know It Was

2008-07-06T17:37:00.008-05:00

Of course my holiday did not turn out exactly how I wanted.

But it was exactly what I needed.

My nephew got a tummy ache and had to leave before the parade started. The parade itself scared the living shit out of my son and we couldn't leave right away as we were blocked in. The parade was lame this year, even though it was the 50th anniversary. My nieces were disappointed in the whole event and only played a couple games at the actual event and left.

My mom and nephew got out before it started. Me and the baby left after the parade passed us. What scared him was the line of about 30+ emergency vehicles all blaring their lights and sirens continuously at about 2 feet away. And there I was, trying to make him wave to firefighters and police in his red/white/blue fireman onesie. Then a tumbling act came by with two huge speakers blaring old classic rock music. Then there was some Hanson-Disney-Jonas Brothers-whatever type band playing Black Sabbath piss-poorly with the amps turned up to god-knows-what.

He hung on to me and just cried. I moved toward the lake in the back, didn't work.

So. We had 15 minutes left to wait. I started packing the things during all this.

Blankets? Check. Toys? Check. Bug Spray? Check. Sanity? Ummm...fuck....

After it was done I found my older sister and said 'We are outta here'. She took one look at his sad face and said 'I'll see you in a bit'. I walked back the half mile or so uphill with a whimpery 6 month old, singing 'Spiderpig' loudly from the Simpsons movie, much to the chagrin of a local police officer who told me lovingly not to quit my day job.

Ha!!

I decided then and there to 86 the idea of walking down for the fireworks later on. The baby napped and we went to my Aunt's house a bit. We ate some roasted corn (I don't care for it roasted, not sure why) and hamburgers. The baby dipped his legs in their pool. I had a Mike's Hard lemonade that tasted way too good and a MGD that my sister's beau brought over before my twin came and got me and the two boys and we headed home.

Once it got dark my twin and I grabbed the dog and the baby and sat in the driveway. We could see the high ones and most of the mid ones (none of the low ones, damn trees) and they were actually stunning. Some I had never seen before. The baby was only mildly interested in the whole ordeal, he mostly wanted to pet the beagle, who mostly wanted to get away.

Me and the little one deeply fell asleep around 10:30PM to my neighbor so unlovingly shooting off leftover illegal fireworks.

It was a great first 4th of July for him and a great start to my own independence.

Fuck, that last line was beyond corny...LMAO...

A Fuck for a Gallon

2008-07-03T12:10:00.003-05:00

Oh and this struck me as an honest reaction to how bad Bush has fucked up this economy:

http://www.wlextv.com/global/story.asp?s=8608767

LMFAO ~ I shouldn't be, it isn't really funny...but then again it is!! Poor woman...

Ain't That Right

2008-07-03T09:25:00.005-05:00

Virtually no sleep last night. He got up about every hour and by the time I soothed him back to sleep and laid down he was up again. He cut another tooth last night so obviously that was it, however trying to peek in is mouth at 3AM was futile and I didn't think to give him any tylenol or motrin. I certainly wasn't going to medicate him for the hell of it - although medicating ME sounded like a kickass idea. ;)

He is still fussy so I just fed him his oatmeal and bananas and gave him a dose of tylenol finally and I hope that he will setlle down enough to nap well...then I can lay down for a bit. Hopefully.

But it is going to be a long day anyway - I have to run to the store for milk and formula and baby water sometime this afternoon.

With him in my arm this morning as he didn't at all want to be put down I downloaded some old school (and some kinda) songs..."Right Now" by Van Halen, "Africa" by Toto, "Rock Star" by R. Kelly/Ludacris and Kid Rock, "After Dark" by Tito and Tarantula, "Love Walked In" by Thunder, "Yankee Rose" by David Lee Roth, "Dissolved Girl" by Massive Attack, "Nasty Naughty Boy" by Christina Aguilera, "Way I Are" by Timbaland, "RX Queen" by the Deftones, "If You Want Blood, You Got It" by AC/DC, "New Skin" by Siouxsie and the Banshess, "Skin Divers" by Duran Duran feat. Timbaland, "Lick" by Joi, "AM to PM' by Cristina Milian, "Unbroken" by Monster Magnet, "Victim of Love" by the Eagles, "Against the Wind" by Bob Segar, "You Don't Have to Remind Me" by Sass Jordan, "What Goes Around Comes Around" by Justin Timberlake, "Coming Undone" by Korn, "To Be Treated Rite" by Terry Reid....wow, was I busy! There's more but fuck it, who cares, LOL. He actually loves music so it calmed him a bit.

The other night I dreamt my soon-to-be-ex-sister-in-law was giving me Cherry Dilly Bars at a strip club...she was still a loudmouth bitch in my dream and I adore Cherry Dilly Bars from Dairy Queen, she also is/was a stripper so that all fits. I don't recall what club it was, I mean I SAW the club but it looked like a typical strip club - all day glo and cheap. Not sure of the significance of all of it but the point of this ramble is it made me crave DQ so we went there last night and I was happy...LOL.

Oh well....I am off to start this long-assed day....fuck...

Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out your hope for me
Its been a long day, always aint that right
And no lord your hand wont stop it
Just keep you trembling
Its been a long day, always aint that right

~ Matchbox 20, 'Long Day'

Scared and Confused

2008-07-01T14:15:00.003-05:00

Yikes.

I just watched 'Diary of the Dead' and for some reason it scared the living shit out of me. I have no idea why! It's bright outside, it's daylight and I watch these movies ALL the time!

So....there I was, bunched into a miserable little ball with a blanket covering my eyes, fast forwarding the super zombie eating parts.

What the hell????

Regardless, life is going good...I am waiting for the other shoe to drop....the fucking floor to drop out from beneath me....as I usually do. I am wary of all things decent in my life. Hand me a chaotic scene...something where I get TOTALLY thrown into the misery of society....thinking along the lines of complete destitution or the SWAT team busting on in the front windows or the fucking apocalypse because of the dead coming back to life and dammit, I'll show ya a thing or two. But noooooo....you give me peace and serenity and green pastures with pretty posies and the good life and I'll shake and panic like there is no tomorrow.

I am sooooo confuuuuuused!!!

Stripper-ISH

2008-06-24T14:24:00.004-05:00

Things have calmed down here.

The baby is 100% better and he slept decent last night. Me and my mom went last night and picked out paint...drooled over the new LED lit refridgerators...lol, funny how that is. I mean, yeah, Sephora and Macy's still turn me on but after you have kids you also look at the domestic toys.

Things are getting fucking expensive! Everything! Gas, groceries, etc. Bush fucked up. Royally. He is supposed to be protecting us, the United States, and as usual...has let us all down. I feel sorry for Obama if he wins the Presidency, having to clean up the mess of a Bible banging Republican jackass. Well, it isn't HIS fault for the flooding...I guess....LOL.

I downloaded some new music and I realized how stripper-ish my music mixes sound: Massive Attack, Three Doors Down, Iio, Flunk, Static X, Lovage, Dead Can Dance, Kosheen, the Deftones, Velvet Acid Christ, Gretchen Wilson, Timbaland, Kaila Yu, VNV Nation, Firefox, Janet Jackson, Nickelback, Local H, Linkin Park. I definitely have eclectic taste as there is an occaisional Britney Spears, some old school or new rap, Celine Dion and house tracks here and there. For the most part I consider myself a rock girl - but hell, who fucking cares? When I was dancing in the Southwest it was 'just don't play any Eminem' and that's pretty much how I have been since.

My baby adores music though. Especially female-vocal songs like that fucking disaster from Miley Cyris (or Hannah Montana or whatever) and that nightmare from Jordin Sparks (tattoo...makes me cringe). Upbeat too I guess. I play 'em, whatever. He loves it when I sing...ha ha. I sure as hell don't sound like Miley. Maybe that is a blessing.

Usually I play Yanni (love the track 'To the One Who Knows') or that one CD with the heartbeat for nsleeping. It relaxes me too.

I just made fresh coffee and threw the rest of the laundry in. Almost done. Last night for dinner I was so frazzled. The baby was still a bit fussy, I was so behind on my housework and I forgot to take anything out of the freezer - this was at 5pm. I cut up leftover chicken, boiled some penne pasta, added a can of cream of celery soup and some seasoning, and put that all in a 9x13 pan. Topped it with cheese, rice krispies and melted butter. Baked it for a half hour at 325. It actually came out very good. I was craving comfort foods anyway. I wish I would have added cream of chicken but I didn't have it.

I do well under pressure - I used to choke. It's funny how things change. Stripping with an infant at home taught me how to do that actually.

You just don't have the option to say 'fuck it' and sit at the bar...

Never Too Thin, Too Young, Too Blonde

2008-06-21T16:09:00.002-05:00

Okay - first things first, Mike T. email me - I don't have your addy. I thought I did!

My son is a bit sick - he had his shots and he always gets a cold a few days afterward. Better this afternoon but it was a rough night. Yikes, I am so sleep deprived I am forgetting things - little things. Every damn thing.

So, a friend of my moms came over a couple weeks ago and she asked her which grandchild I was. My mom said that's my daughter. She replied "when did you have THIS one?". And she says, "ummm....in 1974 - she is one of my twins!". The woman, who is by no means an ass-kisser, says "she looks like she is 19!".

I smiled. Made my day.

A couple days ago at a Little League (they won the first game in the playoffs, yay!!) game, one of the kids' grandparents said I was 'too young to have a baby". Ummm...what?? He thought I was barely twenty.

Made my fucking week.

What the hell??

I can obviously see myself. Good skin. No huge wrinkles but I know I don't look like a teenager. Maybe twenties....even mid-twenties at that. I usually wear my hair in a ponytail and very little make up so maybe that's it.

But no. People are still thinking I am a teenage mommy. It's almost creepy. But it makes me feel pretty good as I know I take damn good care of myself and it is nice to see it actually has a payoff.

I do, however, need to dye my roots. I am certainly not this blonde. I went lighter after I got back to Chicago as I needed a change. I was medium blonde there, now I am back to my light blonde...not Paris Blonde, more like Scarlett blonde. ;) I like it better. I feel washed out the closer to brunette I get - no offense to brunettes, I just think it looks like shit on me.

We went to the pool today. My baby's first time. He loved it even though he was a bit under the weather. We stayed in the zero depth part then I put him in his little blow-up thing - like a walker kinda. I didn't let him go or anything but he got a little freaked when his feet couldn't touch the bottom. We stayed about an hour and a half and he was worn out. Then we all got ice cream and now he is napping. He is on solids now - just oatmeal and veggies. So far so good.

At the pool I was asked if I was a nanny. I said nope, I am this one's mom and the other one's aunt. The couple laughed and apologized saying I was too thin to have a young baby.

Yes, my ego has had enough for right now...LOL.

I did get to my doctor this past week for some birth control. My period has been fucking with me so I gave up on it, then that made it worse so now I am back on it. She said I need to 'stay where I am at' weight wise. I am happy with my weight anyway. It fluctuates of course. Right now I want to add more muscle, just to my arms and rear end. Otherwise I don't have many complaints...except I need a new razor as the one I have cuts the fuck out of my legs! Ick. Looks like shit too.

The weather here is gorgeous and I smell like chlorine.

It's been a beautiful start to the weekend...now if I could just get some sleep!!

Dreaming in the Dark

2008-06-14T16:01:00.003-05:00

The tooth top teethies have broken through and last night he went to bed at 11PM, waking only twice to eat, and got up at 7:45AM.

I feel rested and oh-so-much-more relaxed. Less stressed. Still fucking tired but oh well.

Me, my mom, my older sister, her two kids, my baby, and my nephew went to a local festival for a bit this afternoon. Mostly stuff for kids but it was nice. It's a great day outside.

Me and my nephew were up until after 11PM baking cut-out cookies, Christmas ones - I missed it last year...but he lost interest after we cut out the first pan. I wasn't suprised. So I went to bed with frosting on my hands and promptly had a fucked up trippy dream about some Xbox racing game.

I never have sexual dreams...well not never. Rarely. And when I do it's always about Shaquille O'Niell (sp?) or an old douchebag boss I couldn't even bear to look at. I had a slightly lesbo dream where I was chasing Ellen Degeneres around as she was a local bartender. No sex or anything, I was just scamming on her like crazy and talking about the new gay marriage laws in California.

I also had a dream where I was in a bathtub outside with a man...but I couldn't really 'see' his face..make sense? It was clounded over or something, like he was across the room in a smoky bar. We weren't fucking around but we were just lying there naked, in the bathtub, in the sunlight, during the day.

Sometimes before I go to sleep I do my 'awake dreaming' where I figure shit out, I try to work out my future...school, jobs, houses. I dream it's all okay and that I don't get sad anymore. I imagine that I am not stagnant and worried. My stomach aches go away and things are fine again. I have some childish hope that if I wish for it hard enough it will all eventually work itself out.

But then again, would I still be so strong if there was no struggle?

Something to ponder....

Conversations

2008-06-10T15:19:00.005-05:00

I have been in teething hell again. It isn't as bad as when he cut his bottom two, but the top two are making him stay up most of the night and crab. :( So lately I have been uncommunicative and all around kind of blah. I am babysitting my niece today and it was all I could do to put shoes on to throw a ball back and forth.

Two hours of broken sleep doesn't do me well.

Since I cannot nap (and I can't watching this one) I burned a CD with some Static X, The Prom Kings, Nickelback and 50 Cent. Yes, you heard me...50 Cent. Ugh I hate to admit it but I like that song 'You Don't Know'...it's a guilty pleasure. BUT it's not better than Combichrist's 'That Shit Will Fuck You Up' or my current favorite 'Breath' by Breaking Benjamin:

I see nothing in your eyes
And the more I see the less I like
Is it over yet?
In my head
I know nothing of your kind
And I won't reveal your evil mind
Is it over yet?
I can't win

It's been awhile since I have had adult conversations...can you tell? I am 33 years old, babbling about music.

I watch the news to stay on top of things but it's depressing ~ plane crashes, women selling their infants for $100, salmonella tomatoes...gawd. I would rather talk to a 6 month old!

He goes to the doc soon for his shots again - another rough day. I get so sad when he cries at the shots but he has to have them obviously. And no, I don't think shots are related to autism. My stepbrother's son is mildly autistic and I still don't believe in the correlation.

My stepmother has alzheimer's - depressing too. We never got along that well but hell it's still sad.

My nephew has a game tonight but I am absolutely beat. My mom and I may hit the sale at Kohl's but again I am exhausted. The baby needs quite a few things though so I may end up going.

I really want to try that 5-hour energy shit. Even my blogging sounds tired. I can barely think.

My sister is in training for a new job so I am pretty much the only cook in the house. It's okay but my creativity goes out the fucking window on day six..that day it's usually hot dogs and mac and cheese.

Blah, I can barely keep my eyes open and I have the beginning of a headache. My day isn't even near being over and I have laundry and vacuuming to do.

My tummy is now almost 100% flat. I am ecstatic!! The 6 month post partum mark and I'm better than before. I am proud of my diligence and hard-ass work. Speaking of, my ass is next....it ain't bad but it can be better. My breasts are back to normal now - not that huge, inflated porno star look. Perfect D's...smaller than before, larger than right after I stopped breastfeeding, but they dropped so nicely no one call tell they are not my homegrown ones.

They must be blind...119 pounds and a 34D chest...lmfao!

The boys across the way keep ringing the doorbell and it's getting beyond obnoxious. The baby won't be asleep for much longer now. Ugh. I am ranting.

A couple nights ago I was so tired I literally passed out face first in the living room for an hour - the best sleep in a while suprisingly. I slept on the floor when I was in Phoenix because bullshit primadonnas need their drunk sleep and it fucked up my back. Now I do it as a refreshing change away....go figure.

I called that cop and told him the 'friend' line - he wasn't happy about it but I got my point across. I believe he still think there is hope when there is none. Oh well. He's a big boy. Big boys need to get over themselves, right?

Slipping and Sliding

2008-06-02T12:27:00.006-05:00

It has been absolutely amazing outside here that past few days. Phoenix was always just hot...it never got that nice fresh breeze Chicago has. We also have a lilac tree outside and the scent blows through the window. It makes me feel so content and happy, not sure why but it does.

My baby is doing so wonderful and now he is sleeping better at night, getting up for maybe 1-2 bottles only, going to bed around 10:30PM and rising around 8AM. Since he is sleeping better, so am I - putting me in a much nicer mood as well. I had this CD in my storage that has a heart beating on it with some ethereal music and my baby loves it! So do I, I admit...I cannot remember when I slept better - not in at least a year and a half but probably more.

Lately my life has been full of little league games, long walks outside with the baby, swimming, sleepovers, cooking, laundry the occasional lunch with a good friend...makes me feel so domesticated and quite simple (whatever, I am still hot! LOL). I caught up the other day with my neighbors and I was introduced by my mom as being 'a single parent by choice'. I like that term and I am going to keep it. Sure it was returned with 'your ex-husband is an asshole too right?' and I laughed.

It's funny how you cannot hide yourself no matter how much you try.

The neighborhood boys broke out the Slip N' Slides with my nephew and it was hilarous watching them. I began to remember why those things are evil...that occasional rock underneath was a bitch. The water was always too damn cold and you never actually slid...only kind of scooted yourself down the way going 'wheeeeee'.

I helped my nephew with his batting and throwing. Baseballs hurt. A lot. A whole lot. I have bruises, yes. But I can catch a helluva lot better than I thought.

I haven't bothered calling the Officer back yet. He was nice to hang out with briefly (as was back when I first met him, but that was a whole different reason..) but certainly not someone to date. Not sure he wants to be just friends but he'll have to deal with it.

Today it is leftovers but tomorrow I am making Chicken Caeser Salad Pizza with Pasta Salad on the side and frosted brownies for dessert (it's my day to cook and I try to outshine...).

I think back to how fucked up things got before and realize how far I have made it back to the land of the living. I remember how exactly far I slipped and fell without anyone to help me up or even reach out their hand. I had isolated myself because someone was forcing me to - I gave in without fighting back. I allowed to be hurt and I won't ever fucking do that again. I will no longer put myself in a position to be bossed around and made to feel unimportant. I was made to believe I was less of a person for so long, I was made into a victim. But it's okay now.

All these realizations, despite my setbacks that I have now, make my life an amazing thing that I will never ever again take for granted. I look at everything differently and I remove the bullshit I do not need. Everything has a priority and a title and if I cannot change it I cannot worry about it now.

Things do happen for a reason, I know that now - I will always have to work extra hard but I excel when I have to work extra hard...so maybe that's the reason.

My son is the reason for everything in my life now. I hope someday he will know just how much I love him, just how much I have and will fight for him and just how special he has made my existence.

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you..

~ 'The Reason'

The Officer's Not a Gentleman

2008-05-21T14:26:00.002-05:00

Yikes.

My evening with the officer went well until he decided to have three shots in a half hour. I sat back and watched. He started serenading me with 'So Hot' by Kid Rock and I got up to make my exit after being out only two hours. He then grabs me, bends me all 1950's movie style, and kisses me. I recoil from the Jager and politely push him off.

He starts to cry.

No shit.

I didn't know what to do so I left.

Yes, it was shitty but he was drunk and I was annoyed.

I giggle now when I think of his face, singing at the top of his lungs, my face burning.

Anyway, the poor hungover thing called me the next day....and called...and called...."did I make a fool out of myself?"...oh yes, you did.

"Can I see you again?"

"I will think about it."

"I'll wait. I am so sorry."

I am sure he is not he just feels like total shit.

So it is what it is.

I am not sure I will see him again but if I do it will not be in a bar.

The More They Change, The More They Stay the Same

2008-05-17T13:21:00.003-05:00

Because some things never change I decided to call up my blast from the past officer and see if he wanted to get a drink tonight.

Yes he does.

I thought he would.

So we are going to a local area bar this evening.

I am kind of excited, I need to get out and I know this person well. He was alot of fun....well, he was when he wasn't lying his ass off and making me look like a total fool. ;) I also know he respects my time even though he never respected ME at all. Ha.

Gawd he was such a jerk!! He was horrible - not beating the shit out of me horrible...but he lied to me. He has a wife and a mistress and he was seeing me and never told me!! THEN when I caught him he made light of it..."well, you're my favorite"...WTF?

And yes, I will allow him to buy me one or two drinks.

Because I want to get out. Because I am weak sometimes. Because I get lonely.

What is it with me and men in uniform? Sigh...even I have to have a weakness...

Funny how things in life come around this way. Like we flip flopped.

He is single, or so he says and I am technically, um, not for now (divorce cannot come soon enough!). His kids live away from him and mine is with me.

Strange.

I am nervous though! I have barely been out in the past couple years...when I was with the douchebag we only went out maybe twice (picking him up at bars does not count!!). Now I have a chance to actually put on full make up again - lol. I don't feel the need to impress him but I want him to damn well see what he fucked up.

Wow, I guess some things really don't change!!

Anyway this is just a casual drink, just for short time, and no he isn't getting any.

But...I will shave my legs and put on nice panties.

He's still not getting any.

Cops & Bloggers

2008-05-16T17:57:00.004-05:00

So I got pulled over today.

No, I didn't get a ticket.

For once.

I was coming back from McDonalds after I got me and my sister some iced coffee and I see a cop behind me. I got nervous, but didn't think much as hell..it happens. He hits his lights and I immediately find myself in panic mode as I hate getting pulled over...well, who likes it? Regardless, I start to visibly shake and my face gets hot.

I sit there while he calls it in and I can see him in the rearview. I wonder silently if I know him - I have met a few cops in my days...getting pulled over used to be a way to up my social life. LOL.

So, the cop comes to my window and I hear "Vanessa???"

I look at him and realize with slight horror it is an ex-boyfriend from quite a few years ago, one who I haven't spoken to in probably 5 years at least, one who pretty much broke my heart...well, I got over him easily...but it still fucking hurt.

So, I smile and say, "Hi XXXXX...haven't seen you in awhile!" even though inside I am just dying because I forgot to put make up on and the clothes I have on have spit up on them. I know I look hideous.

He looked almost the same, a bit older, just as stupid, just as heartbreaking.

He says "You look fantastic....better than you ever did".

What?? Was I that horrible at 25?? Does he see how I am dressed?? Is he blind?? Does his PD have an eyesight requirement?

So we chit chat for a bit about our lives (mine was actually boring for once, ha) until he gets a call and says"We should go out sometime."

Yikes.

I was trying to find a reply but THEN he says..."Looks like you got your boobs done - they look nice from here..." as he laughs like an asshole.

Well, that did it. I roll my eyes and say nothing.

Yes, I was speechless.

He hands me his card after he writes his cell number on it and says "I'd give you a hug but, you know, the uniform...call me tonight okay?". He walks back to his squad.

I sit kinda shocked for a bit. He did look good. Not sure how old he is now...38? 40? Then I start to wonder...

What the fuck did I get pulled over for? I don't speed anymore.

I don't recall asking. But then I remember HIM, how he was, and I realize he wants me to call him to ask him...kind of like leaving something personal at someones apartment...an excuse.

Slick.

No wonder I liked him....

Sick and Tired

2008-05-12T19:04:00.003-05:00

No, really...I am sick and tired.

Me and the Baby BOTH are - since Saturday. Some annoying cold thing that comes with a delightful slight fever. His broke yesterday day, mine early this morning. So I am going on very little sleep and very little food. Ugh.

He's better this evening after a three hour screaming fit - no ear infection, just tired and under the weather. Me? I broke down into tears and my sister rocked him to sleep while I passed out for a lovely 10 minutes on her bed. I woke up even dizzier and weaker, ate a granola bar, took a shower and then felt amazingly human. Now I feel almost 100% and I literally cannot wait for the baby's 10PM bedtime!!

Ha...I used to be just getting started with my night at 10PM...now I can barely keep my eyes open near midnight. My how motherhood changes you...

It was a nice Mother's Day despite the illnesses. I never made it to brunch with my family but it was okay. My mom and I are going out later this week instead.

I am going to go relax a bit...still feel weak but I am just about back to normal...whatever the hell that is. I have so much to do this week, including meeting with the people from Child Support Enforcement, and I want to be well for it. I did somehow manage to do my nails this morning, I just don't remember when I did them!! Ha ha, I have that 'new mommy brain' thing going where you forget everything.

I was sad yesterday too. My husband should have been there, you know?? Lately I have been getting lonely, a sad thing that afflicts the single women in my family. We are tough as nails but get fucking soft when we get lonely for a man's company.

Hmmm.

I guess I am a bit sad today too.

I'll get past it, just a bad day.

Just Updating

2008-05-06T14:28:00.004-05:00

Gorgeous day out today...yesterday was fabulous as well...makes me glad I got back here just in time for spring!

My mood is better and I have decided against Prozac...all I needed was to get my shit together. I mean, things still suck and they will always be hard but I am a fighter and I always find a way to work things out.

I haven't talked to 'it' lately and that is a good thing, all he does is piss me off and make fun of me. He isn't worth an ounce of my tears or concern anymore - he is not my problem anymore. I certainly don't worry about him or anything, I was more worried for my baby...who will be just fine, better even now that he is out of any harms way. Yeah I know it is better to have two parents in the household, but from experience I know it is better to have one GOOD parent who can handle the brunt of it all - instead of one one who is beaten down (used to be me!) and one who is a dangerous alcoholic.

Have to think positive!!

So today me and my sis are taking the baby for a walk then we are off to a little league game...seems like there are a ton of those now.

The baby is sleeping more regularly recently so my time is freeing up (yes I have lots of calls to return, I am sorry!) and I am sleeping much better as well. Most of my stuff is out of storage and I wrecked my right shoulder...not sure how to handle the rest but I have a cousin who will help me.

I suppose I am updating everything in my life - slowly but surely....

I am changing my email address so I will send out a notice via email shortly. Not sure why I put that off, time wise it is taking a bit as I have alot of usernames/passwords to update with the new one. It'll happen.

No job just yet but I have had a couple interviews - I have hope...lots of fucking hope. Ha. Sometimes it's all I have to go on.

But, hell, it works.

See ya...

I Hate Bush

2008-04-29T15:15:00.003-05:00

Just a beyond irritating day.

First, I go to Jewel to get formula, and the butch dyke cashier tells me that she cannot give that kind to me because it has Iron in it and the WIC coupon doesn't state that. I respectfully responded that ALL infant formulas have iron in it, it is the same damn thing and that I have used these here many times without issues. She proceeds to embarrass the hell out of me by saying..'does this say IRON? No where on this check does it say IRON'...then runs over to some other asshole to ask her the same thing.

Apparently no checkers at Jewel have kids or they would know that all formulas HAVE IRON IN THEM. Kids grow..therefore they need nutrients...including IRON.

She actually reduced me to tears, so I left and the manager was called on the phone who replied...'don't any of our employees have children? Of cousre it doesn't say iron, they all have iron!'. She was very nice and very kind, also she was upset at how the lady was to me. So a few minutes later I went back and bought them by the manager desk and she assured me that all employees will be having a meeting about WIC items.

Okay, with that done my mom had given me a gift card to a day spa for a massage, facial and a body wrap. I call to make my appointment and the receptionist informs me that the day spa is closing and I will be able to use it for nails or hair. I was disappointed as my back is fucked up and I could have used that massage. Oh well. So I looked at the prices to choose a service or two.

OMG.

$50 for a manicure. $35 for a pedicure. $75 for acrylic nails. $42 for a basic trim. It gets worse.

I cannot afford that kind of upkeep nor do I wish to go out of pocket for a goddamn nail filing and some crappy polish.

Ugh. Frustrating beyond all belief.

I say fuck it and give it back to my mom as maybe she can use it.

Okay, then I realize I didn't make enough money last year to get one of those beloved Bush Checks from the government.

Yay.

But since I didn't make enough wouldn't I be the ones who may need it? Especially with a baby??

Fucked up. Depressing.

So I am thinking, today was all of Bush's fault.

Here is why:

He fucked up the economy, forcing business closures...including my day spa.

He fucked up the economy, making a lack of decent jobs and job cuts, forcing me to work for tips therefore making me not gross enough to get his Relief Check.

He fucked up my husband, by making him a Republican and a complete asshole, making me leave him and subsequently go on WIC to help feed my baby...which made me get embarrased by some jerkoff clerk at the store.

Therefore, I hate President Bush.

Well I always hated him. I just hate him even more.

Fucker.

Death by Self-Tanner

2008-04-24T14:34:00.002-05:00

Okay so I hate to tan. It obviously can age your skin and causes skin cancer. I, as a vain woman, could handle the latter....just not the former. Well, okay, I don't want either fucking one. So I use self tanners.

Sigh.

I love/hate these things.

Some work, most don't. Some make you look like you are one of Willy Wonka's tiny workers. A few make you look like you have been rolling around in dirt. I have noticed that the usual rule of self tanner is that the more you pay the better. Like a $40 bottle of Clarins is obviously going to beat the hell outta the generic WalMart brand.

I bought a few decent ones off of Ebay and from seeing positive reviews I actually 'sunk' down to Banana Boat level from my too expensive and too elusive Sun Labs.It hasn't arrived yet but if it works I'll put up a picture of my bronzed goddess self. ;)

I remember when my ex laid into me about self tanner. Well, he screamed at me about damn near everything but this was a huge issue for some reason. He even told me that there is something in ST that is toxic and I could have hurt my baby (even though I never used it while pg...but whatever) and that his sis had read something about it online.

Hmmmm. I am sure she read it while expecting that huge payout from Bill Gates for forwarding all those emails. LOL.

So, the ST was also responsible for my baby's heat rash...yes, I said HEAT rash.

Wow.

Stupidity.

I mean, a self tanner CAN cause irritation, but it would have also made him..um...tan. Nope, baby was as pretty pink as a newborn.

So, I cried and screamed and tried to explain that it WASN'T MY FAULT, wasn't my fault...which of course, it wasn't. I was horrified - even his sister was blaming me and everyone was like 'it all makes sense now'...but it didn't make sense to me, nothing made sense to me. What goddamn bullies!! My gawd...back then I cried and felt defeated, cornered...now I laugh about the hilarity of it all....

But the funny thing is, I still have no fucking clue why my self tanner had such an effect on someone.

Oh my gawd...maybe there IS something in the self tanner...

I need to send out some emails...ha....

Shots and Storage Spaces

2008-04-22T12:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went to the storage space to get a few more boxes. It wasn't too hot out but after moving 6 heavy boxes (3 were all books) into the car I was ready to pass out.

So...I drive home...sipping my coffee...and again, that feeling hits me. It passes. I get home and start brining the boxes downstairs and I have to sit down right away as the room was spinning and I had this weird tunnel vision thing goin on. My sister was alarmed, as I can usually act pretty tough, and I realized all I had eaten by 1:00PM was a granola bar and a ton of coffee with Splenda. Yikes. So, I quickly eat a piece of chocolate and the feelings do pass but still linger.

Fast forward to today, the Baby had to get his 4 month old shots so I take him to his new pediatrician. The pedi is actually a very young Indian woman who is probably one of the nicest docs I have met. She answered all my questions and even offered information (which, if you know a pediatrician, you know that is a hard thing to get). I was feeling dizzy again out of nowhere and I thought it was because it was warm in there and I had been waiting over an hour...(that's what happens when you get Medicaid, oh well). I also had only coffee and nothing to eat, but it was 10 in the morning. She asked my if I was ok and told me to sit down and let her take my BP. Now, my BP has always been on the lower side, but at my 4 week post-partum my OB's office took it and it was 120/70 - normal. Today it was 90/60. Yikes.

So, that solves the mystery of my dizziness. At least I know it though. Again I am hypotensive, normal for me...and it isn't too uncommon with the women in my family. I thought it was 'over'. Ugh. And summer hasbn't even begun...but at leats it isn't Phoenix hot with those horrific 115 degree days. Fuck 'dry heat', after it hits 100 degrees, does it matter??

Going through my storage is making me sad. I found alot of old pictures of people I miss and it makes me nostalgic, which is good, but I also cry, which isn't good.

It is going to rain today so I am going to get my bedroom together and put the boxes away. My nephew has a little league game tonight and if it isn't raining at start time they will play and I want to go. It's truly adorable!! I cannot wait for this little one to get into competative sports.

My older sister's daughter (my niece) is playing volleyball next year and they are looking for an assistant coach - I am definitely going to try to get that position. I loved playing volleyball, one of the things I can assure anyone within hearing range that I was kickass at. Unbeatable. ;)

I better eat something, the pedi told me to eat more regularily to avoid a sudden drop in blood sugar...as that will make me dizzy and weak, possibly faint.

It'll be a better day. :)

Lazy Sunday

2008-04-20T09:37:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was a beautful day despite a few clouds and rain. I went to my nephews little league game in the afternoon then I actually got a long nap around 7:30PM until almost 10PM. So, I actually got some sleep!! Shocking, I know. Then baby slept from 12:30AM until almost five and went back to bed after I gave him a bottle until about 7. I can handle that.

Today I am getting a saucer or walker for him, going for a walk, working out then making Pepperoni Chicken for dinner..sounds weird but it's easy and actually very good (my turn to cook tonight). My life sounds boring sometimes...but I wouldn't have it any other way. I used to be stuck up to my ears in chaos, now it is a welcome change.

I am in a better mood and trying to ignore that depressing thoughts that try to creep into my head. The world isn't going to end if I cannot pay my phone bill or if I go without my breakfast bars for a bit. The baby needs to eat and have diapers and all that...I need to readjust my focus a bit and fuck it...yeah I am pissed off at 'it' for not paying a goddamn dime...but oh well. In all reality should I have expected something more? A difference? All of a sudden someone to shape the fuck up for five seconds? To grow up???

Nope.

I was stupid for believing it all in the first place...

Sigh. I refuse to let it consume me, it is what it is. He is what he is. Ha.

It's too gorgeous outside to have the same worries every second of the day. I am not going to waste it all...spring and summer go by fast here.

But I do worry....and I AM pissed off...

Counseling began, it's helping. I go to see my family practioner on the 12th. I am going to ask for Prozac...it helped my anxiety alot and that is my main concern now I think. It's not like I need to know why I am anxious and pissed, I know that for a fact...I just need something to take away a bit of the worry so I can think more clearly. I have alot of plans to make and things to do and I need to be on top of my game. It'll help. I am sure of it. I am not so sad anymore.

One of my nephew's friends said I was 'cool'...but how uncool is it of me to let that make me happy? LOL...I am the 'cool' aunt...YAY!

I have made it down to my ideal weight finally!! Well, I always like to be on the thinner side but I think I look better like this - toned and thin instead of like a stick. My tummy is almost flat and now I am working on my arms...they are a bit too skinny and spaghetti-y....and I think the working out is helping my mood and fatigue. Not bad for 4 months post-partum!! Excerise has made a huge difference in my life. Eating better helps as well...not so much fast food. Moving back home has done wonders for me and I am regaining confidence...lol....watch out. ;)

I feel like I am in a dreamy state today...think it is from the good sleep I finally got. Almost, dare I say it...relaxed....

Fuck, I am still so pissed...I always have to go without...not 'it'....it is bullshit!

I'll get over it.

Non-Tax Day Worries

2008-04-14T08:39:00.004-05:00

I am so tired!!

The baby just got one tooth in, one of the front bottom ones, and the other is on it's way. I was shocked as hell as his is just shy of four months. So, he was cranky which made me cranky. He hasn't been sleeping well at night as he wants to be held, and for about a week now the absolute most sleep I have gotten at night has been four hours. Last night was a nightmare - he fell asleep at 3:30AM only to wake up at 6:55AM...and I was going to go with my mom to work a bit but I said 'ummm...not happening today'. My nephew has his achievement testing all week so I was depserately trying to calm the baby down until I gave up and called my sister in to help me.

Trying to get things together but I am left with tears and fatigue, trying to figure out how in all hell I am going to do this. I want to go to school, it begins in June, but school doesn't buy baby stuff (not while IN it anyway). Formula is expensive and WIC doesn't cover 100%, only about 2 weeks or so...it helps beyond all belief but it doesn't do it all.

On a good note I feel better than I have in a long time. Me and my sister have been sticking to a great workout program. I don't need to lose weight or anything but it makes me feel stronger and have more energy. I also take those Slimquick supplements just to give me a bit more energy as usually I lose it by about 3PM...they work but too much makes me way jittery.

At least we both have insurance. Baby has to go to the doctor for his four month shots (without insirance they are upwards of $900), I need to make that appointment. I picked the same doc for me - a family practice guy, so I can get a general check up too at the same time. I am going to see about maybe starting Prozac again since I have the prescription coverage...no doubt I have some slight depression going on through all of this mess. I would like to nip it in the bud. I have noticed lately that I am way more teary, full of anxiety and worry and all...maybe it will help. I mean, it's not going to pay the bills or anything but I am hoping it can help me think clearer.

I just don't know how the hell I am going to do this. Child care is expensive and working full time would mean most of my paycheck would go to that. Also, he is too young for me to work more than 15-20 hours per week. I don't want to be away from him too long. I know that I have to put my goals aside temporarily and I am fine with that...what I am NOT fine with is the fact that I am the only one that has to do that. I am beyond angry and upset about certain things that I cannot change - not even sure I want to. I wouldn't know how to deal with it different.

I am used to things now, but that doesn't stop the fact that some of it's bullshit.

Thoughts on a Blah Day

2008-03-20T10:01:00.003-05:00

I suppose it's hitting me finally, the transition from 70 degree February to 25 degree March. My skin is itchy and my joints hurt - I feel like an old fucking lady! My fingers were a bit swollen too,I had to remove my rings which took lots of cold water and lotion. Ugh. Not sure what the hell is going on, maybe anxiety? The weather? A slight bit of...oh my, dare I say the arthritis-word?

I soooooooo miss my cat!!!! I just hope that wherever she is she is well. Sadly, I know she wouldn't survive if she was outside for more than five minutes. There was a commercial on TV that had a kitty that looked like her and I just stopped crying. :(

Everything is coming together nicely however, and there is a winter storm watch tonight which makes me happy...LOL...but I won't say it aloud anymore as it seems to piss everyone else off. I haven't seen a snowstorm since January 2007!! I am not asking for much here.

St. Patrick's Day was uneventful ~ yeah, Chicagoan's make a huge deal out of it for some reason. We got a lot of Irish here or what??

At least it is sunny out. It has been dreary mostly. I had a class yesterday for mom's and we talked about starting new foods and it was actually very interesting! Some things I actually didn't know...like not giving too many fruits or they won't eat veggies, etc. I don't have to worry about that for a few months though. I met a kickass woman there to, she had a two-month old girl. Actually, I met a few very nice women...I cannot wait to go back. It's nice to have adult conversations! Even if they are about babies. Ha.

I am just exhausted as Baby has been fussy due to teething. It's frustrating as there is not much I can do for him and I feel horribly. I know it will pass. Actually, he is better today - sleeping soundly in his crib right now. My sister helps me out alot though and I am so grateful. Once I get back on my feet I am going to think of something nice to do for her - like a spa day at Spa Blue together maybe. We did that once at another spa and had an absolute blast! Something to just say how much I appreciate her and all she is doing. This is a shitty time right now and she's been there ~ she just knows, you know? I don't even have to say anything...nothing. She's like that with me.

I have been thinking lately about the choices I make and how to change my thinking. Maybe I picked certain individuals due to the fact that I do not believe I deserved better. I read a book that had a great parallel in it - it was something like buying that POS car instead of the brand new shiny perfect Lexus, and that feeling of desperate ned to have a 'fixerupper'. Wouldn't someone rather have a brand new, dependable Lexus instead of a POS that breaks down all the time? One would think so, but not always. Or does that crappy thinking lead one to believe that no matter what, something will go wrong with the Lexus anyway and you might as well just get the POS...there are no suprises because you already know that it's shit to begin with?

'Fake it 'til ya make it'....acting 'as-if'...seem like annoying buzz-words but in all reality they can make an impact at work, at home, at play....you know? A confident woman on the outside eventually becomes a confident woman on the outside...people envision her as having it all when she may have jack, but she WILL have it all. Acting like you're okay will eventually make you okay...not talking about hiding feelings, that's bad...but taking perspective. Like at the class....instead of saying to the Baby, 'what...you want to eat again???' you say 'oh, you want to eat again! That gives me a chance to have some time with you, sit down with my feet up, sip an iced tea and watch that show I have been dying to see'.

Fuck, I miss my cat!!!!!

Am I the Only One?

2008-03-15T13:18:00.002-05:00

Seems like Chicago is preparing for St. Patrick's Day...am I the only one staying home?

Oh well. What do I care?

Going out to get shitfaced on green beer doesn't seem fun to me anyway.

Ick.

Learning to Fly

2008-02-28T08:40:00.008-06:00

I have a huge fear of flying.

Okay, its's well beyond a fear...I cannot even describe the feeling. So, flying to Chicago would be difficult at best. Now add an infant into the mix and it turns into a unbelievable nightmare...but in the end it's worth it...but getting there was...yikes (shudder).

We get to the airport around 3AM Tuesday. It's quiet and nice. I have to wait to check in until 5:30, no big deal. I am nervous but not sickeningly so. There is a young girl there to, about 22, and she's nice so we chat a bit. The baby is tired and I give him a bottle...and he poops. Okay, ladies room is too far away and I have 3 big bags, a stroller/carseat combo, a purse, a diaper bag, and a mess of things in between. Fuck it, I lay down a blanket and change him behind a pillar.

Agents open around 5:35AM and I head over there with the girl's help ~ the baby smiles at her. I thank her profusely.

My nerves are starting to build but it is still not bad. I decide to take a half-dose sedative just in case.

One of my bags is 54 pounds and I do not have the $50 for extra weight. I take a few things out and have to get a shopping bag. Great, another thing to carry.

6:00AM and the airport is getting busier. Nervousness level is about a 6 on a scale of 10. I decide to buy an overpriced bagel sandwich and a chocolate milk. I managed to choke down half before I give up. The baby is sleeping now and I leaf through a magazine near the security checkpoint. Nervousness level spikes to a 7.

I head to the checkpoint and find myself in a line that automatically puts my stomach in a knot. The baby begins to scream bloody murder and I cradle him in my arms while practicing an amazing juggling act with my bags. People give me nasty looks that make me feel badly. The TSA agent informs me that I have been selected for additional screening...making it sound like I just won a prize. Fuck. I head over there and shove my shoes in a bin, wondering what the hell is actually on the floor of an airport. Maybe I don't wanna know.

Again I wait. Stroller, bags, and bins go through the x-ray machine and TSA agents throw out my water I was using to make bottles. Oh well. I will buy another one. They pat me down, pat the baby down, and I meet another nice female named Robbie. She has brown hair and kind eyes. Little did I know she was my guardian angel.

I am not a terrorist so I get to proceed to the gate. My gate is the last possible one. Baby is fussing and my patience is at another gate ready to fly away.

7:30AM. My 8:20 flight is delayed 20 minutes. Big deal. I sit next to Robbie and we chat. We are on the same flight. She takes the baby and rocks him to sleep. He smiles at her before fading out. I adore her already.

We chat some more. She feels like a mom to me. I REALLY adore her.

Flight delayed until 10:45AM. I am pissed. The temperature in there raises sharply...I think that people in Phoenix do not know how to tell if it's hot anymore because they fried their brain during last summer's heat wave. I wonder if my deodorant works. I begin not to care. My arms feel like snapping off due to all the weight of the bags. My patience has officially boarded.

I buy a diet coke and a water for $5.50. I feel parched. The baby continues to cry and people are staring. That makes me sweat more, not sure why. The baby refuses to be in the stroller or carseat so I have to carry him. I put the bags in the stroller and trying to manuver my way to the gate. I desperately search for Robbie. I cannot find her so I sit at a less crowded gate next to a pilot. He's nice. I cradle the baby again and he falls into a restless slumber. He's sweaty and begins to get a rash from his blanket. I give him a half dose of Tylenol. My nervousness level is 10 now and I begin to doubt if I can do this.

9:55AM. The baby wakes up with a start and begins to scream. He's red in the face and there is nothing can do. I promptly burst into tears. Everyone is now definitely staring at me. A woman with a 9 month old comes over and sits next to me, asks me if I am ok. I shake my head. I begin to blubber incoherently. She genuinely cares. She listens to me and then tells me a similar story. She's been there. I feel better immediately. Her husband waves to me in a manner that says....'yeah, I been there too, now you know why SHE has the kids'. I wave back and smile. She helps me to my gate, the plane is now boarding. My stomach jumps and I feel hot. My arms are cramped. I am now a 35 on the nervousness scale of 10. I cannot think so I just shake.

I manage to thank the pretty blonde woman and finally Robbie is by my side again. She helps me down the jetway and I fall into panic mode. My patience had long flown away and I feel nauseous from lack of sleep and the jitters. I am sweating visably. I cannot do this. I am losing it.

Baby is howling, unconsolable. I want to run away and never come back.

Robbie helps me with the stroller and carseat. Two men take one bag each and I am beyond grateful. I cannot speak much.

I board the plane forcibly, hoping that all the seats around me are empty. I get a window and the middle seat is empty. Not too bad. I sit down and buckle my belt. I am terrified. I feel unreasonable. I cannot breathe. Nausea rolls over me again and again. I try to 'act as if'. Not sure it worked.

The plane is not crowded, but crowded enough for someone like me. There is a physician in the aisle seat - a bonus. Robbie is in front of me and offers to take my screaming infant. I cannot do that as I wouldn't wish that hell upon anyone. The urge to flee is almost impossible to ignore. I apologize to anyone that looks my way. Tears fall out of my eyes and I do not care who sees me. I hate planes, I hate this, I hate how I got here. I want this to be over.

We begin to taxi and I now seriously feel like vomiting. I don't. Thank goddess. I take another sedative. Fuck it.

Baby miraculously falls asleep while we taxi. I am shaking so bad the physician asks me if I am ok and offers his help in any way. I am so frightened I can only smile.

Take off.

That 'lift' scares the fuck out of me and I am reduced to a whimpering mess. I bury my head in my sleeping infant. The throw-up feeling melts to complete hysteria. My panicky thoughts turn to the fact that alot of crashes happen during take off. My flushed face is now in the baby's blanket. I try to breathe, I try to think.

We finally level off and that sedative I took kicks in and I begin to feel pretty groovy. I want to personally thank the inventor. A few minutes pass and I begin to return to normal. Baby sleeps in my arms like a cherub. His rash is bad but I could care less - I'll fix that later. I have to pee but I decide to hold it. I read 'People' magazine and Physican hands me my purse and a diet coke. He opens it for me and pours some in a glass. I am able to verbalize now and we make small talk. He tells me about flying with his kids. I tell him I am a nervous flyer. He doesn't look shocked. Robbie gives me a sandwich that she had so sweetly bought for me. I think I am in love.

2 hours and 48 minutes later we get ready to land. Baby pooped again. I change his diaper and outfit in the seat as I refuse to get up. I was afraid my still shaky legs wouldn't hold me. Physican helps me and even hands the dirty diaper to the FA for me. I think to myself that his wife is lucky. Baby cries again but falls asleep during the actual landing. He wakes up suddenly when the plane stops and the screaming begins.

But, what do I care I am HOME! I fucking made it! I did it!!! Relief washes over me and I feel like collapsing out of sheer joy. Robbie helps me with my bags and tells me to wait by the gate and she'll get the stroller. She comes out with it folded and we cannot get it undone. The gate is super crowded with passengers waiting for our plane. It's comical. A kind man helps us, wrestles with it, and finally gets it open. The gate erupts with clapping and cheering. I can only laugh my ass off...how can I not?

Me, a now only slightly fussy 9 week old and Robbie stroll over to baggage claim. I hug her and literally hang onto her, beyond grateful. She gives me her number. She tells me the real reason she was flying to Chicago...her sister died suddenly. She tears up and so do I. What a beautiful person she is, doing all that despite her huge loss. I am speechless so we hug goodbye. I will call her. I miss her once she leaves to go find the rental cars.

Gathering my bags I phone my sister and she'll be there in 15 minutes. It's cold and dreary out. The baby is now laying quietly in his stroller. I lean over him and cheerily say, 'hey babe, we're home!'.

He looks up with strawberry cheeks and smiles at me.

A Superbowl Stripper

2008-02-03T18:38:00.000-06:00

SUPERBOWL FRIDAY:

5:55 PM ~

Check in with the DJ so my house fee is only $20. I make it on time yet get tossed up on stage right away. It's fucking busy and for some reason I am nervous and trip a bit over my long hot-pink cape. Oh well, no one seemed to notice. But I am certainly way pissed off about having to dance to 'Turn Up the Radio'...fuck that, I am picking my songs from now on.

6:10 PM ~

Go talk to one guy that tipped me. He is younger, very nice and informs me he just got out of jail for a drug charge. Nice.

6:30 PM ~

A gentleman pays me to dance for his wife and her girlfriend. During the third dance she whips out her breast and he proceeds to suck on her nipple. Thankful it's not mine I continue to dance for the other woman. I end our encounter as I see her hands in his pants.

7:05 PM ~

No one on stage two. I offer to go and the house pays me ten bucks. I secretly make sure remember to offer again.

7:30 PM ~

Called to stage three. Bunch of rowdy golfers in that area, in for the golf tourney. I get only two dollars. I really don't care.

8:00 PM ~

Stage one again. I had put my fave tube minidress on and I rock that stage and pole to some Kid Rock. Night DJ knows my music already.

8:10 PM ~

A guy grabs me to do two lap dances. He smells like Drakkar and it reminds me of my high school. I smile.

8:30 PM ~

Stage two again, this one is my rotation. Where are the fifty other girls that are bullshitting in the dressing room??? I meet someone from the Edison Park area in Chicago. I realize just how many Chicagoans are in the area.

8:40 PM ~

Two more lap dances, no VIPS yet. Gotta get up there. However, at least guys are buying more than one floor dance at a time.

9:15 PM ~

Crowd has tapered down a bit. Some guy that hates me for no reason other than he mistook me for someone else is sitting at a table. Now I hate him too, for no other reason other than he hates me. I ignore him. He tries to ignore me. Funny how that is.

9:30 PM ~

I am losing interest in the night. More dances, more dollars, more drama. I ask myself if I would rather be working at Target...this time the answer is not a clear 'no'.

10:00 PM ~

Did two laps for a guy that kept saying how horny I was making him. I kept replying with 'then I am doing my job right I guess'. Thinking I don't get the hint he starts asking about private shows. I go into a long explanation about the Champagne VIP area. He shuts up.

10:20 PM ~

Two dances for a walking joint. The smell was so bad I probably could have gotten a contact high. I started to worry people would think it was me.

Gotta love Arizona.

Five Confessions

2008-01-21T22:45:00.000-06:00

My most embarrassing moments...not all involve alcohol, but again...some do...

1) I fell off the stage. I was sober. I went for the pole. I fell off the stage. I cringe even thinking about it.

2) I got so wasted on those Smirnoff Ice things in Tulsa, OK while working at Night Trips and went off on some idiot that was going to prison (yes, you heard me). I kept telling him how to 'straighten his life out' as if I had clue. I remember he was looking at me funny...and I had no idea why he was doing that as I HAD THE ANSWERS TO LIFE. He wasn't listening so I yelled them.

You know, I have no idea how anyone gets wasted on those...but needless to say I was puking up QuikTrip pizza rolls and crying for my mom.

That guy probably ran to prison thinking at least he wouldn't encounter any crazy fucking strippers in the pen...

3) "Shhh...don't tell my boss I brought alcohol...", I excitedly whispered to my boss...

4) I went to Target with two circular wet spots on my T-shirt...my milk had come in. I only realized it after I had gotten back.

5) At the grocery store I checked out in the Self-Checkout line and realized I had thought I had $20 more than I did. Red-faced, I had to get a manager (he was about 17) and it was crazy busy and I kept throwing stuff at him to void. I avoid the self-checkout line now, I am obviously not ready for such a challenge...