Acceptance ~

So I have been quite depressed lately.

Defeated. Overwhelmed. Low. 

Just feeling so alone and not knowing where to go, what to do, what to do next. 

When people find out bad news there are those Five Stages of Grief. 

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. 

I am finally in the last stage, Acceptance.

My four year old son has autism. High functioning, but autism all the same. We are still in the middle of testing but there is basically the one conclusion. 

It's hard to handle you know. And I have know for many months that something was not completely right. I guess I never wanted to admit it. It's hard as a parent to admit that there is something off with your child. I knew the tantrums were too much, the fact he always watched from the sidelines instead of playing with others was too unusual, the fixations on certain things too strange, the mimicking too obnoxious...all the rest, too much to mention, too much to bear. 

My son is still my darling four-year-old who I will love to the death. He is amazing and wonderful. 

But even now I still cry thinking of things. Everything seems so foreign. The world seems just bit different, off kilter, strange, like the oxygen is just a bit too low. Words like "special needs" make me want to jump out of my fucking skin. I hate labels. I hate when I cannot fix things. I hate when I feel so weak. 

So that's it. 

That's just all I can muster for now. 

See ya.

A new day has come
Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

~ Celine Dion "A New Day Has Come"

I Really Despise Valentine's Day

I have a hell of a week coming up and I feel a bit overwhelmed.

Oh and by the way, FUCK YOU Valentine's Day.

I always seem to be single. I can never reap the sexual benefits of having a significant other on this pain-in-the-ass day. Or even just getting a nice dinner where I don't have to open my ketchup packets.

With that said I have decided to make an anti-Valentine's Day playlist. I tried labeling it Anti-VD but that just seemed a bit slutty.

And just gross. 

"I Hate You", Sick Puppies

"Wish Me Well (You Can Go to Hell)", Bouncing Souls 

"You're Going Down", Sick Puppies

"I'm So Sick", Flyleaf

"Irreplaceable", Beyonce

"Don't Stay", Linkin Park

"Listen", Beyonce ('Dreamgirls' Soundtrack)

"You Will Be the Bitch Now", Combichrist

"Cry For You", September

"Crazy Ex-Girlfriend", Miranda Lambert

"Now I'm That Bitch", Livvi Franc

"Goodbye", Kristina Debarge

"Before He Cheats", Carrie Underwood

"A Fool In Love", Tina Turner

"According To You", Orianthi

"Dancing On My Own", Robyn

"Leave the Pieces When You Go", The Wreckers

"Karma", Alicia Keys

"I Don't Care", Apocalyptica 

"You Know I'm No Good", Amy Winehouse

"It's No Good", Depeche Mode

"Call Me When You're Sober", Evanesence

"Don't Hold Your Breath", Nicole Scherzinger

"Take It On The Run", REO Speedwagon

"You and Your Hand", Pink

"I Get Off", Halestorm

"There's More to Me Than You", Jessica Andrews

"I Want to Break Free", Queen

"Calling", Taproot

"Don't Cha", The Pussycat Dolls

"It's Not Right (But It's Okay)" - Thunderpuss Remix, Whitney Houston (I am sorry, I loved her voice!!)

"Say It Right", Nelly Furtado

"New Skin", Siouxsie and the Banshees

"She Hates Me", Puddle of Mud

"He Wasn't Man Enough", Toni Braxton

"Guys Do It All the Time", Mindy McCready

"I Will Survive", Gloria Gaynor

"Kerosene", Miranda Lambert

Only the bunch that are on my iTunes library.

The rest of you so-called lucky bastards can break out the Celine Dion or the latest "Twilight" soundtrack and grab some flowers and get that guaranteed, obligatory blow job.

But no. I'm not bitter. 

I swear. 

I'm not. 

(I'm soooo jealous)

See ya...

Go enjoy your night ~~ but keep in mind that you should be doing this more often than once per year. It shouldn't take a Hallmark Holiday in order for you to show your SO you care for them. Break a fiver, buy a card once in a while!! 

Congrats New York ~~

But honestly I could give a damn about either team this year. I was kind of going for the Patriots...but only because no one else was in my family. I'm like that. And I think the quarterback is hotter.

It was just nice to have a day where I didn't have to think. I just cooked and ate and had fun at home. But then, at the end of the day, I start thinking of how life has been so difficult lately....it seems like it's a daily struggle. And I am not talking about my mental health or depression...just talking about things that have changed recently.

I really don't like change. But you just roll with it. Make the best of it.

I feel like I am failing. I feel like I need something. I don't know what but it feels a bit empty and I feel very fucking alone. Like life is unfair and just bullshit.

Oh hell, I am back in the feeling sorry for myself phase.

No a sexy look on me.

But we all stumble and fall, we all need a hand and a bit of help. Every now and again.

(But shhh...don't tell anyone!!)

See ya ~~

Helpless

I feel like I spend way too many hours worrying and not enough of them living.

And way too many hours dealing with bullshit I shouldn't ~ such a waste of time and energy. 

I got some not-so-great-but-not-terminal news earlier today about a family member that shook me up. To the point that I could not speak without crying all damn day. And my mood is so morose, my affect is flat, and I just overall feel like hiding underneath my covers for days. 

(and I know I am being vague but for some reason I just cannot post specifics - just trust me, it isn't fabulous - but definitely not fatal, and certainly not the end of the world)

But it seriously is NOT the answer. It ain't going to help, or make it better, or turn it around. But to be honest it is fun to wallow in self pity for a while....not sure why but it just is. Add a bottle of good Pinot Grigio and it is even better. ;)

I just don't like when things go off kilter. You start questioning things, what you could have done different. It's a mess of questions that are all unanswerable. You beat yourself up, I missed all the signs, I should have fucking known, I'm selfish and stupid and god knows what else. 

Helplessness.

I hate that feeling. 

That's me. Right now. 

"I don't know nothing except change will come
Year after year what we do is undone
Time keeps moving from a crawl to a run
I wonder if we're gonna ever get home"

~ Patty Griffin, "When It Don't Come Easy"

~Death Do Us Part~

I am annoyed to say the least.

My dog got sick on one of my blankets...so after shoving him outside and mopping up the majority of the mess I hurriedly threw it in the washer, not wanting to touch it too much. My mistake. My son peered into the washer when the cycle ended and said "Mommy, look!".  So I went over to see what was so important.

My fucking iPod Touch was sitting at the bottom of the washer. 

Holy hell my heart sank and I busted into tears. Then of course I shoved it into a bed of Uncle Ben's rice (where it still lays) in the hopes that maybe, just maybe I can save it. And I was a bitch the rest of the day of course, because I was feeling sorry for myself...and I still am. 

But damn was I mad at that dog! I know, he was sick....he threw up....not his fault....but I am so frustrated right now. And yes I have forgiven him. In fact he is right now, laying and snoring on the exact blanket that caused all the commotion. He is just a dog. Dogs vomit. Oh well. 

But. 

More like it is my fault for being so preoccupied lately. My anxiety blows, my son has a cold, in general I completely despise January in Chicago, and I just haven't been sleeping all that well. So I didn't shake out the blanket before I shoved it in the washer like I usually do. Well, that and I didn't want yucky shit all over my hands. 

But oh my god I am soooooooo fucking pissed at myself right now for being so stupid!!!! 

I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry, I am NOT going to cry.

Fuck it. I'm going to cry.

I love technology. When it works right (looking at YOU Nokia Astound!!) and doesn't cost so damn much (looking at almost EVERYTHING decent out there) things like that are just awesome to own, to enjoy, to love, to have, to hold, to...

(I sound like I am marrying it)

So...it is in death we probably part, Mr. iPod Touch. I have loved you for years and now you are just gone. And I have a hole in my heart (and life) that no one else can fill. No more can I access 1000 songs I can't really stand and watch endless Facebook feeds while my son wants to watch a crappy show. I am hoping beyond all hope I can save you....however there was so much water involved and even a cup of bleach, so I think that all this is in vain. 

Now when is Apple going to come out with a waterproof version?

See ya. 

Wonderful Life ~~

I'm so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open but it's hard to shut the world out sometimes. Especially because I have been going through some family/personal issues lately that just stress me out to the point I feel almost catatonic. I know that I isolate myself when things start going awry...and I wish I could stop it...just NOT do it....try to embrace my friends and family and ask for help....but I hate to feel so weak. Like I HAVE to be this badass bitch that grabs life by the balls and fixes her own problems ~~ when in all reality that is just a part of me, I am only human and I get emotionally exhausted sometimes by what my Wonderful Life throws at me.

I seriously feel like most of the world does NOT give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Like maybe it is the economy driving this "every man for himself" attitude. Or maybe some people are just assholes.

Who knows?

I am planning a Superbowl Party on the 5th, just family and all. I admit I am not fond of either team but if I had to choose I am going to be cheer leading for the Patriots. I love Tom Brady, what can I say?

So the menu is going to be nothing but finger foods and appetizers that will kill your diet ~ Country Style ribs in the crock pot, homemade guacamole and queso, homemade chicken nuggets, Italian deli-style sandwiches on thick bread with provolone, tortilla chips, champagne punch, and of course the always needed cheese tray with sausage.

Ok. I'm hungry. I am always hungry because all I do is EAT. And yes I stay thin...because I EAT - little meals all day, I don't suffer.

Damn it, I am hungry.

See ya.

Childish Woes

So today was a hell of a day.

It was about 10 degrees here in Chicago and my son refuses to wear a heavy coat. So I have been a recluse during the day, darting out at night to grab something from the store before it closed....getting errands done after he went to bed. And I was beyond tired of it.

So I decided to allow him to wear the flimsy Spring coat and freeze. But then I came to my senses and realized that was a fucking stupid move and put the heavy coat on him.

Holy hell.

It was like a WWE smackdown.

And I was losing.

He screamed, thrashed, kicked, cried and begged. And he is a big 4 year old, almost like a 6 year old (big men run in my family, my uncle was damn near 6'9"). But I kept on, I have errands to run, it is supposed to snow Friday, I need to get the fuck out of the house before I go completely insane. After a while he calmed down....even kept it on so we could run errands. I was out of breath...completely taxed.

I hope, hope, hope we don;t have to go through this tomorrow.

Because frankly he is strong and can almost beat me. ;)

I am exhausted but duty calls and I have way too much to do.

See ya.

Operation Be My Valentine

My Wishlist:   http://amzn.com/w/XUSOWSNKA8HP

I am female, I am usually broke, I would love it. 

Hurt

Soooo...the other day I decided to wallow in my self pity and I had about three too many. While I didn't wake up on the bathroom floor (which, yes...I have before), I woke up with a headache from the unholiest pit of hell and my stomach screaming for mercy.

After I swore I would never do that again (haha!!) I made myself a spartan breakfast and reflected a bit on how I can be so self-destructive when I am upset....a pattern I have always done.

And I don't fucking get it.

I know that people see me and make an assumption. I know that I am judged right off the bat. I know that I get stereotyped.

But I know who I am. What I am about. And I know that the ammo people will use to try to hurt me is usually related to my physical appearance and/or my past...or any weaknesses I may have shared.

For example....I LOVE how people throw shit in each other faces. I don't really love it, I am being sarcastic. LOL (Like dude, I told you that in confidence...now you use it against me? How truly un-fucking-fair!)

It's like when people are mad they forget why they even gave a damn about the other person in the first place. Yes, you don't have to like them....you don't have to want to know them....but why tear them down and leave them so raw and wounded? What is it about human nature that makes us want to rise above others by making them feel so low?

I am guilty of all that. I try now, as an empathetic adult, to not be so childish and catty. I know now to THINK before I SPEAK. That hurtful words can damage so much more than a serious crack to the jaw. That I would rather be whipped by a cat o' nine than have someone say something negative....but hell, if we are talking about a bit of S&M then I am getting WAY off the subject.....because there is always a little bit of pleasure with a little bit of pain...(Ms. Madonna?).

Damn it, now I am so off base.

I just don't get it. John Lennon had it when he sang "All You Need is Love..."....a little more kindness and love and tact in this world would make a huge bit of difference. Why go around life acting like a jag off? Why not find a bit of happiness in the first snow of winter...or the first smell of spring...the burn of that first shot of whiskey...or the smell of a newborns head....the feeling when you buy something you have wanted for months....the love your family gives you....that heat you feel when talking to someone special....

And how about a cleavage pic to mellow the mood?

See ya.

Damn. Forgot to Add ~~~

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I am so effing TIRED of always taking the blame.

And I TAKE it. The path of least resistance. The path of the moron. The path of the peacekeepers and all the other idiots that need a lesson in aggressiveness.

Just like the fatties that want to get rid of McDonald's....personal responsibility people!!! Be it your kids...your life...your damn dog.

Take care of yours.

What in the hell is WRONG with people??

Same sue happy jerks are saying their coffee is too hot....the hairdresser couldn't take their black as pitch hair to Marilyn Platinum without a bit of damage....my childhood sucked - that's why I treat you like shit....I'm stressed...I'm tired....I'm underpaid.....

You know what? Get real and get over it.

I am sick of dealing with adults who just cannot give it up - live your life how you want NO MATTER what has been dealt to you....or suffer like the idiot you can be.

Be strong or be weak.

Rise ABOVE or sink BELOW.

I get emotional. I cry (shhhhh don't tell!!). I get lonely. I get sad. My father was a douche. My ex-husband treated me badly. I feel weak. I feel afraid. I feel desperate. I feel low.

But I still have that something in me....that is going to make it. Make it okay, make it in life, just basically rise from those goddamn ashes and say...."REALLY? WHAT ELSE??" and add "BRING IT ON...I GOT THIS...I GOT THIS!"

Call me Phoenix.

From Chicago.

(working in Tulsa)

Ok, the last part you may not get but hey....I'm fired up.

Wow can I certainly change from minutes ago!! LOL. Am I woman or am I Bipolar woman? ;)

See ya.

~WOW...Really??? What ELSE???!~

So.

~ My son decided to have a temper tantrum that lasted nearly 5 hours.

~ A bird shit on my cheek as I walked in a store. <---- (lol, that's funny now actually)

~ My best friend decided that they don't want to talk to me anymore.

~ I can't make my stupid credit card payment because THEIR system is messed up....however I still get charged the fees for it.

~ My iPod Touch was working badly so I decided to do a restore and my computer overheated in the middle of it. Now I am scrambling trying to fix it but to no avail.

~ My windshield wiper broke off when I tapped it to try to clear some old snow.

~ I stubbed my toe on my deep freezer.

~ I tripped over Mr. Potato Head.

~ I burned the brownies (just the edge, but still....)

~ I had this great idea to clean out the crawlspace and LITERALLY ran into a mouse.

~ I'm tired but I cannot go to bed because I am trying to fix this stupid fucking iPod because without it I am lost....I need my music and my Words With Friends!!!

This ALL happened today.

And I am pouring a second glass of Pinot, hoping above all hope that tomorrow can be slightly better.

But I am doubting it.

Just feeling a bit picked on and lonely. I need some shopping. Wait...I am sure my card will be frozen in the morning....LOL...ok...well window shopping and wish lists!! Hahahahaha!!

See ya.

Arachnophobia ~~ (I spell that right??)

Yuck.

Tried to go to bed but a spider decided to land near my eye. Must have JUST closed my eyes. I am so grossed out! I flipped and flung him off somewhere but now I can't find him.

I don't care how they kill mosquitoes (it's winter anyway) or perform all these fabulous acts of kindness to the world....they are gross, they have too many legs, and I really hate the see-through ones....and the ones with the "thick legs". I hate them all actually but some are easier to squish.

Ew, ew, ew.

I am going to watch some "Wife Swap" reruns and hope he shows up so I can smash his disgusting body to bits.

Spider, that's what ya get for landing on me.

(soooooo grossed out!!!)

~Survived the Holidays (Somewhat) Intact~

Things are finally settling down in my household after a completely insane holiday season. I don't know what it is about the time from Thanksgiving until New Years Day that makes me so anxious and borderline insane.

I went out shopping on Black Friday at midnight, braved the crowds with a coffee in hand, and had a blast ~ no panic, not even low grade anxiety. But a two weeks ago I went to the grocery store during the day and had such a bad panic attack that I literally left my half-full cart in the middle of the dairy aisle and booked it out of there, with my son in tow. I was so embarrassed at the time. Obviously I am over it now (and I have decided to never fucking go there again haha).

Hopefully now I can breathe a bit better, but I will say I was at Target yesterday and I felt a bit uneasy. Maybe because I was over thinking things...maybe just because it's January and the weather in Illinois is so dreadful....maybe because my anxiety is just going a bit unchecked. Whatever it is...I wouldn't wish a panic attack upon my worst enemy. It makes me wish for a Clonazepam drip and a double shot of Ciroc.

Panic attacks are just horrible. Winter usually makes them worse - nothing like all that summer sun to keep the wickedness of anxiety at bay! But I have to get through the badass January and the even worse February before a hint of Speing comes along.

I find solace in listening to music and writing. I just started writing again recently, as I was busy doing DIY renovations in my basement (that is a whole 'nother story). Now that things are settling down and I find myself with a bit of free time I can chill a bit. It's nice but what I wouldn't do for a goddamned massage and room service and my own remote and 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Some people really take moms (single or not) for granted. It isn't some easy gig where you turn on the TV and eat and relax all day. It is hit-the-ground-running....constant care....never get a moments peace because even if they are sleeping you are worrying and checking and cleaning.

(Hypomania much?)

Fuck the massage. Send me some Pinot Grigio and the complete set of 'ER'. That will cure what ails me. ;)

xoxo

Still Here ~~~

Busy gal tonight. Well lately.

Not much to scream about publicly.

Just fucking depressed a bit, staying above water. I don't come here much anymore and I know I should....but l have been tired lately....but still the biggest bitch I would care to know.

I'll be back in full force shortly ~~~

Rebel Night Owl ~~

So beyond sick of people that won't shut up, move on, go away. I spend my days chasing a toddler and my nights fighting for whatever the fuck I am fighting for and it is getting so...tired.

It's just TIRED.

Emails to Hushmail, Yahoo, whatever needs to be....whoever needs to know...same shit...different decade.

No matter what you do.

No matter who you are.

No matter who is in your bed, your head, your email, you phone, your website, your blog, your car, your soul, your veins, your closet...that should never matter...as a person you do not deserve to be treated with disrespect. No matter what. You don't deserve harassment, threats, slander, libel, abuse, being mind-fucked, being stalked, brushed-off, put away, on the goddamn back burner.

I am a fighter but damn....this girl is sooooo tired. I won't give up. Period. Ever.

Chicago is mine. Wisconsin is mine. This world is FUCKING MINE. No one can kick me out of any place. You cannot expect me to go away or leave or hang myself just because you asked. Because you threaten me or because you tell me.

Three in the morning and I am done but jacked up from pure adrenaline and just annoyance. Came all this way and they think I am gonna check out because of them.

Get over yourself. You ain't that important. You aren't worth a traffic ticket.

Karam is a bitch....but I am off the charts.

(so sick of this shit!!!)

Things are going to change. Something needs to be done. Seriously.

However...I look fab with my 3 pound weight loss from stress. (so I thank you)

Signing off for now....better things to come....for me anyway.

See ya.